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Falcoholic Festivus: The airing of grievances

I’ve got a lot of problems with you people! (By ‘you people,’ I mean the Falcons).

NFL: London Games-Atlanta Falcons at Jacksonville Jaguars Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

We’re nearly at the end of the 2023 NFL season, and this Falcons team has been all over the place. On any given Sunday, this team could pull off a surprise win or look ho-ho-horrible.

That’s left us with a lot of grievances against this team, so in honor of the late, great Jerry Stiller who played the iconic Frank Costanza on Seinfeld, we’re celebrating Festivus here at the Falcoholic.

If you’re unfamiliar, Festivus is a secular holiday observed on Dec. 23 that became popular thanks to Seinfeld. The occasion is marked by a Festivus dinner, an undecorated aluminum Festivus pole, feats of strength, and of course, the airing of grievances. Join in by airing your grievances in the comments.

The Arthur Smith “mustache” campaign was ridiculous

There’s a lot I could’ve chosen from here grievance-wise, but I’m going to complain about one specific thing that annoyed me this year and sound like a crazy person. The Arthur Smith “mustache” campaign was the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen this team promote in quite some time. I know the Falcons aren’t exciting, and they have to somehow try and energize the fanbase, but I found that whole wannabe Ted Lasso stunt annoying. Then eventually Smith shaved it off once he realized nobody found it funny anymore. I’m tired of this team using gimmicks to try and distract fans from the garbage they put on the field. No more gimmicks, just win. Merry Christmas, everyone! - Evan Birchfield

The Falcons are the Grinch stealing my love of football

I’ve watched this stupid team for well over half of my life. The highlight in that time has been blowing the biggest lead in Super Bowl history. That is this team’s best. I can only hope for another brief flash of competency to save me from EVERYTHING ELSE THIS TEAM DOES.

I legitimately don’t even know where to start with my grievances with this team. You could look at — ANYTHING. Did this team really think Bobby Petrino was their savior? Jamaal Anderson could burst around an edge? Playing 3-4 just meant rushing more than Tyson Jackson, Paul Soliai and Kroy Biermann on third and long? Steven Jackson had so much tread on his tires you don’t need a Plan B? You can just replace Tony Gonzalez with no one? The general manager should make friends with random fans sending team complaints? Paying Vic Beasley nearly $13 million for one year? THAT BULLSHIT TWO POINTS AGAINST THE GIANTS? STEVE SARKISIAN REPLACING KYLE SHANAHAN? THIRD AND 16? PRETENDING A $2 HOT DOG MAKES UP FOR A $25,000 PSL?

You’d think at some point the Falcons would do the right thing on accident. Now in what feels like the 40th winless season without postseason impact, my former passion for football is now as empty and emotionless as the Mercedes Benz Stadium. I wish the Falcons would take inspiration from George Costanza and simply do the complete opposite of everything the team has done. — Matt Chambers

I’m tired of embracing the suck

I became a fan of the Atlanta Falcons shortly after I moved to Georgia, during the 2005 season. Since that time, this team has:

  • Seen its generational talent QB sentenced to 23 months in Leavenworth for operating a dogfighting ring.
  • Replaced that QB with a combination of Chris Redmon, Joey Harrison, and Byron Leftwich.
  • Hired Bobby Petrino, who is, was, and will always be a jackass. He left notes in players’ lockers to announce his departure mid-season for the head coaching job at Arkansas.
  • Scored two total points in a playoff game.
  • Failed to field an effective pass rush.
  • Got rolled by the Packers in the 2010 playoffs as Aaron Rodgers relentlessly lit up Chris Owens for four quarters.
  • Blew the biggest lead in Super Bowl history.
  • Subjected us to years of weird Thomas Dimitroff draft picks.
  • Signed one of the year’s hottest free agents in Ray Edwards, only for Edwards to decide he’s more of an Instagram model than a pass rusher.
  • Ran its franchise QB out of town by very publicly trying to trade for a QB who was way too expensive as well as facing very serious off-field allegations.

And if this is Year 3 of a three-year rebuild, yikes. - Jeanna Kelley

This franchise has gotten too comfortable humiliating its fanbase

Contrary to dumb media narratives, Atlanta is a great sports town and the Falcons fanbase is incredible, I’ve seen it first hand seeing a line of folks stretch nearly a block waiting to get into Flowery Branch to watch this team, which has had 0 recent success, practice at 8:30 am on a Saturday in July.

People will regurgitate dwindling attendance at the Benz points at me in response to this, but maybe the attendance isn’t there because regular folks have been priced out of their season tickets and don’t want to take out a second mortgage to watch a trashy on-field product. I promise you they don’t owe this franchise or this owner anything of the sort.

This franchise has done nothing but embarrass its fanbase at nearly every turn since its inception. I can do nothing but yearn for the older fans who have been there since the beginning or nearly the beginning of this circus, watching this franchise fail at every turn. Right when it looked like the payoff was about to come with a very long awaited Super Bowl title, they pulled off a choke-job of biblical proportions whose ramifications this fanbase will have to deal with until the end of time.

Following that, this team suffered another devastating playoff loss a year later and are now on the cusp of missing the postseason for a sixth consecutive year, during a time period where they chased away the greatest player in franchise history to court an alleged sexual predator. There doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel in what has become an abusive relationship. - Adnan Ikic