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Falcons get desperate for cap space and put Mercedes-Benz Stadium on Airbnb

The front office embraces the gig economy for some extra spending cash.

Super Bowl LIII - Previews Photo by Justin Heiman/Getty Images

This article is a parody, and none of the quotes contained within are real and factual. If you can’t tell that by the title alone please re-evaluate your life.

The Falcons are officially one of the most cash-strapped teams in the league. A few bad decisions the team had confidence in at the time caught general manager Thomas Dimitroff and head coach Dan Quinn by surprise. The spending spree on the offensive line did not pay off, they have too many underperforming-yet-expensive veterans, their landlords said if they are late on rent again they will be evicted, and those nitro cold brew coffees from Starbucks they have been guzzling are $5 each!

The Braintrust™ is broke. The Falcons have under $5.5 million in available cap space. It is not enough to even sign the rookie class and Austin Hooper, De’Vondre Campbell, and Wes Schweitzer are all heading to free agency. They flipped over cushions and found the only restructuring cash available to even get to this point.

Dimitroff talked about embracing uncommon solutions to get out of cap trouble.

Dimitroff: We looked at every option to make sure we have enough cash to keep everything going. Restructures. Extensions. Texting Arthur Blank a photo of us eating ramen hoping he sends some cash. Cuts. There are no easy answers, but these are the success problems you get when you sign the best wide receiver in the league to an extension and sign Luke Stocker to a $5.5 million deal.

In a big change from past seasons, the Braintrust™ is holding themselves directly accountable for the tight financial situation. After two down seasons, coaching changes and big personnel moves, the results were the same. Accountability starts at the top, per Quinn.

Quinn: Last year, we didn’t play as a team. We’ve tried blocking and stretching and it got us to 7-9. It shows me that we need to help Ms. Thompson move out of her townhouse on Tuesday at 8 a.m. As a team. These guys need to bond by moving her three-bedroom house down the stairs and across town by 4 p.m. And she has to pay cash, because if i have to wait for a check to clear I will not be able to get Taco Bell for myself and Jacob Tuioti-Mariner.

The Braintrust™ got a shock this offseason when talking to the team accountant. Quinn learned a big lesson about finances, especially when Arthur Blank said he was cutting them off after learning about the most recent Ikea buying spree.

Quinn: So the accountant broke things down into essentials, non-essentials, and the biggest category: things that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment, and James Carpenter. Once it was all there in black and white, I said, man, there’s no way we can pay Dante Fowler $100 million. In fact, it was clear we all needed to pick up a second job. Maybe then we can afford some of those new seltzers and re-structure Devonta Freeman.

The duo knew they needed to do something and they needed to do it now. “All these kids nowadays, you know, they’re always talking about Kickstarters,” said Dimitroff. “And their phones. And man, they are wild about the internet. They’re Tik Toking now. And they’re rich. So I asked, ‘Can we get Kickstarters on Tik Tok for some cap space cash?’”

Quinn was excited for their plan, and was already cleaning the back of his gold 2004 Ford Taurus so he could start driving for Lyft. “I’m so fired up about being my own boss,” he exclaimed, while pulling box after box of McDonald’s nuggets from his back seat. “I’m going to get to talk to all sorts of people!”

His counterpart was less enthused.

Dimitroff: “Two stars? How am I going to get more Uber rides with two stars? I need cash and it’s not a big deal for them to sit on the handle bars. It’s almost as fast as some Honda Accord, but there’s plenty of fresh air. I just can’t sell you, Schwinny, I just can’t! We’ve ridden through Flowery Branch so many times!”

The Falcons are doing a lot more to find cap space than just giving out rides. Dimitroff, the perennial salesman, used the latest press conference to talk up how easy it was to walk from Mercedes-Benz Stadium was to great nightlife and downtown events. “You can find the Benz on Airbnb, and bring 70,000 of your closest friends to sleep in the suites, run drag routes on the field, and even thumb through personal items in the locker room. Eat at our Chick-fil-A, or walk to the nearby aquarium, the CNN Center, Centennial Olympic Park, and the Georgia State campus. Some of Atlanta’s best dining is only a short walk from Gate D for only $350 per night.”

The listing has a $500,000 cleaning fee. When asked for comment about the team renting out the stadium for cash, Blank sighed deeply into the phone for 45 seconds and gently hung up.

In a surprising update on team uniforms, Dimitroff confirmed the Falcons will wear throwbacks this season. “The equipment budget is a little tight this season. The good news is we’ll be wearing throwbacks. The bad news is we have to get them from Jessie Tuggle’s house and he can’t find out.”

Quinn was excited about the new opportunity, seeing it as a new challenge. “Look, some things didn’t go right in 2019. Or 2018. Or 2017. Or when you think about it, 2016. Or even 2015. We learn every year. We get better. We get...sorry, hang on a moment, lemme put you on hold. Hi, are you Joe from Craigslist? Yeah, I’ve got the Freddie Falcon costume. You have the $75? Let me pull it out. Like I said, it could use a good cleaning.”

Players were less enthusiastic about the new plans.

“DQ was talking all about teamwork and stuff then sent me out to Marietta to paint a house by myself,” said defensive tackle Grady Jarrett. “I don’t know what lesson I was supposed to learn there. He didn’t even pay for my gas. I think he just posted a bunch of ads on Facebook and he pocketed the cash.”

As of press time, the Braintrust™ had pulled in an extra $30,000, which teams sources indicate is going to be used to pay Tyson Jackson’s fifth consecutive year of dead money. That number is expected to rise after the duo start donating plasma.

This article is a parody, and none of the quotes contained within are real and factual.