Buccaneers sign rapper/cryotherapy enthusiast/suspended wide receiver Antonio Brown

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers, theoretically a rival of the Atlanta Falcons, went bold this offseason. They signed whatever is left of both Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski, but with only a one-game lead in the NFC South, needed something to put them over the top.

What could put them over the top?

What about the artist behind the hit track Whole Lotta Money? The same guy who got frostbite on his feet from cryotherapy gone wrong? Then threatened to retire because he couldn’t wear an old helmet? Then was fined for missing practice and suspended for threatening to fight his new boss? Then apologized then demanded his release? Then was cut, signed, sued for alleged sexual assault, then sent threatening texts to a woman who alleged sexual misconduct and was cut again? Then stated he was retiring? Then days later changed his mind? Then retired again? Then unretired again? Then allegedly beat up some delivery driver? Then cussed out his children’s mom and police? Then was suspended for 8 games?

That’s right, Antonio Brown was definitely the missing piece. If he can be as busy on the field as he has off of it in the last 15 months, he’s almost guaranteed to be named MVP. Now he’s with the Bucs for 8 games, which I am certain he will play all of because what could possibly go wrong.

I haven’t been this concerned about a Buccaneers addition since Albert Haynesworth. The Bucs could have listened to head coach Bruce Arians, who said Brown was “not a fit” for the team, but this move will definitely work out perfectly.

Brown, who is still suspended, will theoretically play the final 8 games of the season. He should hypothetically battle Mike Evans and Calvin Ridley for the second-best wide receiver in the NFC South. Brown should, on paper, be a big asset for the team for what is certain to be a great decision.