This article is a parody, and none of the quotes contained within are real and factual. In addition, Matt Schaub has never indicated he likes yoga.
Falcons backup quarterback Kurt Benkert saw his 2019 season come to an end before it started. The former University of Virginia passer looked great in the Hall of Fame game, tossing up 185 yards and one touchdown before suffering a severe turf toe injury.
The team’s other backup quarterback, Matt Schaub, is no longer feeling the pressure for his roster spot without the young Benkert breathing down his neck.
“You know, football is a dangerous sport,” said Schaub. “Benkert is a great player but ultimately was brought down by an unsuspicious injury. We can all agree there is no reason for anyone to look further into this perfectly normal injury and that his cleats were definitely not altered or modified in any way at all. The fans really just want to move on with me as [Matt] Ryan’s backup.”
Schaub had a down Hall of Fame game, but looked rejuvenated against the Miami Dolphins. He easily outperformed recently signed Matt Simms on his way to completing 63 percent of his passes for 172 yards despite the offense missing Devonta Freeman, Julio Jones, Mohamed Sanu, and Calvin Ridley.
”Crazy how he just slipped like that in that random divot,” Schaub said while placing his jersey in front of multiple dirty shovels in his locker. “All I can do is show up every day and give it 110 percent. I can’t control who the team signs or who gets injured. I mean, it’d be a great time for Dominique Davis to really step up except he went mysteriously missing one night and was never heard from again,” Schaub said, pretending not to notice the roll of duct tape falling from his gym bag.
Schaub has made quite the career as a backup quarterback, with a long history of quarterback battles ending prematurely due to injuries or other mysterious circumstances. We caught up with him the other day to ask him if he lent any credence to the idea that he had been helped by suspiciously timed injuries over the years.
“That’s quite the conspiracy theory, guy who is following me everywhere for some reason. I mean, some have even accused me of using leeches to drain the life from John Parker Wilson’s arm in anticipation of my return to the Falcons,” he said, removing his scuba mask as he emerged from Lake Lanier with a writhing bag of mystery creatures. “As if someone could be so brilliant.”
Schaub told reporters he’s still ready to put in the work even at 38.
“Being a backup is hard work. Sure, the two-year, $3.8 million deal is nice, but I still have to get to the games early and stretch like everyone else. I’m not just sitting on the bench... even though sitting on the bench is like 90 percent of my job. It’s still dangerous. Like when that guy they never caught hit Sean Renfree’s knee with a baseball bat during that failed mugging in the parking lot. Such a shame they never found the perp and I made almost $10 million since,” said Schaub, packing up a black ski mask on a 100 degree day while remarking that he intended to “hit the slopes” over the weekend.
“You really have to focus on your health and everything you eat to make it in this league. That’s been a definite key to my longevity in the NFL. Look at T.J. Yates. He was eating a bunch of junk food and some of it contained polonium-210. He was never the same after ingesting the untraceable, radioactive material you can find for sale on the dark web. That’s why I only eat organic, non-GMO foods. Also yoga. Yoga is great.”
Schaub said his favorite thing about working with the Falcons is the people. “It really is a brotherhood around here. I love everyone on this team and have made some great friendships. In fact, I’m taking Matt Simms out on my boat for some deep sea fishing. Hopefully the weather is good enough to do some shark diving. I think Simms would get a lot out of going face-to-face with a great white.”
Simms was signed after Benkert’s injury. The Falcons reportedly reached out to Garrett Grayson first who decided to remain retired rather than return to battle with Schaub. Schaub was suddenly a bit more tight-lipped about Grayson.
“Garrett doesn’t want to come back because he can’t take a joke. Not because of me. Everyone who has seen Hard Knocks know the new guys get hazed a little bit. Carrying pads, buying dinners, singing competitions, cut brake lines, and bumping into me carrying a gas can outside your house when you unexpectedly take out the trash. It happens everywhere. He really showed he can’t hack it in the NFL by calling the cops.”
When asked how he has been able to stay in the NFL for so long, he took a long pause while putting his cleats on a pile of zip ties next to a large bottle marked ether. “What are you, some sort of detective? You should send these questions to my attorney, because I plead the fifth.”
Schaub has three more games to solidify his backup job, starting with the New York Jets next Thursday. With starter Ryan likely only playing one or two series, Schaub will get another chance to shine for Falcons coaches. If history is any indication, he’ll do...hey, who are you? Get out of my house! Oh no!
This article is a parody and we have no evidence suggesting Matt Schaub injures or murders his direct competition... yet. If you have evidence tying Schaub to any unsolved crimes, please email the Falcoholic.