We’ve got some big news coming out of Flowery Branch today. Any time the team calls a press conference this early on Monday morning, you know it has to be pretty important. We’ve known that the Falcons weren’t done making moves this offseason, but none of us could’ve expected something of this magnitude—particularly with how little cap space Atlanta has left.
Get excited, folks: The Falcons are trading for Los Angeles Rams RB and University of Georgia legend Todd Gurley. It appears that the team will finally fix one of the most grievous mistakes in Atlanta draft history, as the compensation is reportedly a straight-up trade for EDGE Vic Beasley. The Falcons will at last get their hands on the BPA after all.
Dan Quinn announced the trade flanked by Falcons’ owner Arthur Blank and, suspiciously, Georgia Bulldogs mascot “Uga”—who had taken over the seat normally occupied by GM Thomas Dimitroff.
“We’re excited to announce the addition of University of Georgia great Todd Gurley,” Quinn said, casting nervous glances towards the conspicuous bulldog sitting only a few feet away. “Todd is a great competitor and I’m so fired up to start working with him.”
When asked about the departure of Vic Beasley, Quinn became tearful. “Vic? He’s...in a better place now,” Quinn said, once again looking uncomfortably towards Uga. The bulldog glared back, his eyes seeming to take on a red sheen. For a moment, Quinn froze, his pupils becoming the shape of a “G”.
“Besides,” Quinn continued after a short pause, “who needs pass rushers when you have the best Georgia running back of all time?”
Suddenly, Arthur Blank disappeared. In his place sat another bulldog who looked suspiciously similar to Uga.
At this point, the press corps became noticeably uncomfortable, but Quinn went on with his interview as if nothing had changed.
“We’re also excited to announce a new draft strategy for the Falcons that we’ll begin to implement immediately. In consultation with my general manager,” Quinn motioned towards the Uga in Dimitroff’s seat, “and the team owner,” Quinn said, motioning to the Uga in Blank’s seat, “we’ve decided to call it ‘BGPA’”.
Quinn seemed to lose concentration momentarily before the Dimitroff Uga jumped out of his chair and walked menacingly to Quinn’s side.
When asked what “BGPA” meant, Quinn returned to his calm state. “Oh, well ‘Best Georgia Player Available’, of course,” Quinn said. “We’ve unfortunately...neglected our scouting and drafting of players from the great University of Georgia. Clearly, this was a terrible mistake, as players from UGA are naturally superior to all others. Going forward, we’ll simply take the ‘BGPA’ in every round.”
As the press corps looked around, visibly confused, the Blank Uga jumped up onto the table. Its eyes began glowing a hideous shade of red, engulfing the entire media room. Quinn had to avert his own gaze for a moment, as the reddish light rose to blinding levels.
When the room returned to normal, the press corps was gone. In their chairs sat what appeared to be Uga versions of themselves. There was a DLed Uga, still wearing a bowtie. A few seats over sat a Jeanna Thomas Uga, wearing a collar that clearly said “Unbossable”. Even the camera operators had turned into Ugas, still wearing their headphones and carrying their A/V equipment.
Quinn looked out upon the scene, apparently still not noticing what had transpired. “Fans can expect to see all their favorite Georgia players in Falcons uniforms!” Quinn exclaimed, blissfully. “Our draft board consists of Deandre Baker, Terry Godwin, Isaac Nauta, Elijah Holyfield, D’Andre Walker, and Jonathan Ledbetter! Rest assured, we’ll find a way to get the BGPA in every round.”
The various Ugas exchanged glances with one another. Quinn was the only human left in the media room. He continued on for several minutes, remarking about how the Falcons were also trying to trade for some of the greatest Georgia players in the NFL. There was a line about getting an “All-UGA” RB corps consisting of Gurley, Nick Chubb, and Sony Michel.
Quinn suddenly realized he was alone in the media room. How long had he been there? What had happened to all the Ugas? Was it all just a dream? He searched around the complex for any signs of the bulldogs. Players were working out in the weight room—mercifully still human. Dimitroff’s office was empty. Quinn spoke with several assistant coaches, who claimed to have noticed nothing strange was going on.
He breathed a sigh of relief and began to walk back towards his office. Quinn reached the door, which was unlocked and partially open. Nervousness surrounded him as he reached through the doorway and flipped the light switch.
There was nothing in the room. His chair sat in its usual spot. Quinn exhaled and chuckled. All these strange dreams and visions were probably just the Great Metal Falcon God, Samuel L. Falcon, playing tricks with his mind again. Quinn had begun to build up some immunity to the Great Falcon’s usual mind games, but Samuel L. Falcon had started to become more...creative.
Quinn sat down in his chair and reached into the mini-fridge below his desk, producing a Fired Up! Sports Drink. It was Quinn’s proprietary sports beverage, custom-brewed only for himself and those he deemed worthy. He enjoyed its tasty sweetness for a moment as he pondered the strange day he’d had.
Quinn’s relaxation was broken as he heard his door shut. He could hear something walking towards him, but the floor in front of his desk was obscured. Quinn waited in silence for a few moments as the footsteps continued to approach.
Suddenly, the form of a bulldog jumped onto Quinn’s desk. Quinn recoiled in horror as he recognized the unmistakable form of Uga staring into his very soul. The dog’s mouth formed a wicked smile as it panted.
Quinn tried to back away, but it was too late. Uga’s eyes began to glow with an eerily familiar red light, and Quinn was once again under its control.