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‘Christmas Vacation’, Falcons edition

Happy holidays from our Falcoholic family to yours.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year — the time of year where my fiancé and I curl up on the couch each night to enjoy our favorite holiday movies. It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, Die Hard — we love them all.

But the one we never miss is always Christmas Vacation. We’ve watched it three times this holiday season already, and it got me thinking about some similarities between its characters and the 2019 Falcons.

Clark Griswold: Matt Ryan

Extended family shows up unexpectedly? Got trapped in the attic when everyone left to go shopping? Spent hours decorating the house, only to have the whole dang thing not turn on? Shelled out bonus money for a backyard pool, but there’s no bonus money coming? Clark Griswold makes the best of it, just like Matt Ryan, bouncing up and moving on despite hit after hit.

Griswold and Ryan both make some bad decisions, too. For Ryan, it usually ends in interceptions. For Clark, it ends with his family car being dragged along under a lumber truck. But because of their respective resilience, it all works out OK.

Ellen Griswold: Dan Quinn

There’s no question that the Griswold family Christmas is mostly an unmitigated disaster. The port in the storm is Ellen, Clark’s wife. She remains upbeat, loving, and kind while things are (sometimes quite literally) on fire around her. Everyone in the family loves her, and that’s another thing she’s got in common with Quinn.

Cousin Eddie: Thomas Dimitroff

Imagine an RV (with a bike attached to the back, obviously) pulls up outside your house on Christmas Eve. Out tumble a bunch of expensive free agents and draft picks who don’t play positions of need and aren’t necessarily the best scheme fits, but they do have elite athleticism and cost the team a bunch of money. These aren’t the guests you were wanting or expecting, but here’s Thomas Dimitroff, showing up with them in tow regardless. He is Cousin Eddie. I’m sure he pays someone to empty the shitter for him, though.

Uncle Louis: Arthur Blank

Just look at this Photoshop. We had to do it.

Aunt Bethany: Dirk Koetter

Koetter has exceptional talent at his disposal on offense, but his play calling makes about as much sense as cat food in a jello mold.

Todd and Margo Chester: Saints fans

Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Nicholas Guest play the tiresome couple who live next door to the Griswolds. There is a 100 percent chance these people would file a bunch of lawsuits and completely fall apart for several months about a blown call. I’d be shocked if Saints fandom isn’t part of their characters’ backstories.

Lady at the lingerie counter: Chase Young

Much like Matt Ryan, who had some pretty ugly turnovers this year, Clark Griswold isn’t perfect. There is that one scene where Clark hits on a lady working at a department store lingerie counter, which is gross and is also my least favorite part of the movie. Clark had no shot at her. The Falcons have no shot at Chase Young now, either.

Jelly of the Month club: the Falcons’ 2019 season

We were expecting something much, much better than this, but here we are.

Unfortunately, we don’t have the option of having Cousin Eddie rolling off in his RV to kidnap someone to force a better outcome. We’ll just have to look forward to next year.