The Falcoholic is dedicated to bringing you the most in-depth and analytical football news you simply cannot find elsewhere. Each week, we ask the most professional and relevant questions possible, bringing readers to an almost otherworldly understanding of their upcoming opponent.
Since the Jaguars are both irrelevant and uninteresting, we don’t actually know anything about them. For those reasons, we reached out to Ryan Day of Big Cat Country of the mighty SB Nation to get the skinny on the Jaguars, Jacksonville, and fighting a primate in space.
1. Former EVP Tom Coughlin ends a disastrous time with the Jaguars, highlighted by illegally excessive fines and paying Nick Foles $88 million. As we all know, Tom Coughlin is just an anagram for “much looting.” I guess my question is if Coughlin is, in reality, just a Ponzi scheme?
He is not. Ponzi schemes require a certain amount of letting go of control as well as at least a basic understanding of inviting middle school friends to your latest Facebook Business Page, neither of which are Tom Coughlin’s cup of tea. I like your anagram, but I think a better would be “much tooling”. Coughlin couldn’t get out of his own way and meddled in places where he was not only uninvited but literally asked not to go. He overstepped his bounds countless times with head coach Doug Marrone. He was egregiously shitting to current and former players. He had no respect for the NFL Players Association. He put in place a bunch of petty rules like turning all the clocks ahead five minutes or fining players for sitting and then threw up his hands when morale was low. He’s a psychopath boomer who put this team at a competitive disadvantage time and time again. He has ruined this franchise twice now. People can say his legacy isn’t tarnished, but those people have their collective heads in the sand. He sucks, plain and simple.
2. Nick Foles, the benched $88 million man, seemingly continues to land in top positions despite no clear talent or abilities. He also wears the number 9. The Nine Unknown was a 1923 novel about a secret society dating back hundreds of years, seemingly inspired by the Illuminati. Is Foles giving a nod to the highly-secretive group who put him in these top positions in the same way they place politicians and CEOs to consolidate power and influence?
Unfortunately, it looks like Foles came clean before joining the Jaguars because he wears number 7 here. [D’oh! - Ed.] I would absolutely take a blood-guzzling, flesh-eating, Baal-worshiping quarterback who could win us a couple of rings over Foles’ current iteration which is somewhere between impotent step-father and youth pastor intern.
3. Does Jacksonville exist? I have never seen one piece of hard evidence proving its existence. The Jaguars are just another false flag.
Jacksonville is absolutely real. It’s the city Morten Andersen missed a chip shot field goal in 1996 to send this team to the AFC Wild Card playoff game. It would stand to be the biggest choke job for the Falcons until 28-*gets hit in the face with a White Claw*
4. Gardner Minshew II has been a bit of a revelation filling in before being named the starter. Is he the long-term answer or will the Jaguars be looking for a new starter again in 2020?
I don’t know. I really don’t. His ceiling could be high-caliber backup or he could grow into something great next season. He has some glaring weaknesses -- bad ball control in the pocket, a propensity for fumbles, and more come to mind. But he’s the best quarterback this team has had since David Garrard. REMEMBER THAT GUY? Personally, I’d build around Minshew with the draft and free agency and see what he’s got with an offseason centered around him and 16 full games.
5. The Falcons face the Jaguars and there’s literally nothing at stake, at least to the uninitiated sheep. With that being said, can we even trust the league’s refs knowing they drink water with mind-controlling fluoride?
Nothing at stake? NOTHING AT STAKE? Brother, I know the Falcons haven’t been in this position as much as the Jaguars over the past decade, but there is everything to play for! Don’t you want to know if Why Is That White Guy Playing Free Safety is worth a look next season? What about Random Guy Who Sucks At Pass Blocking filling in at right tackle? I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’ll be paying attention to how Tall Guy From Division II looks at wide receiver.
6. Numbers are a social construct imposed on us by the bourgeoisie. Did you ever wonder why we have five questions every week? Six questions are for free thinkers. There’s no question a chimpanzee would win in a fight on Earth with your standard gravity, but could you beat a chimp in a physical battle on the moon?
I would not be able to beat a chimp in a physical battle on the moon. I don’t think I’d stand a chance here on Earth. In terms of jumping, pushing, pulling and lifting, humans are indeed weaker than most primates. The only reason we’re at the top of the food chain is because humans exploit their old, young, poor, and vulnerable. You don’t see chimps with that kind of fortitude to be the best! However, in hand-to-hand combat, the chimp would absolutely tear my head clean off.