As the Falcons prepare to face the Saints on Thanksgiving, we’re doing very important journalism here at the Falcoholic. Look, someone has to ask the tough questions, and we’re not cutting anyone any breaks just because it’s a holiday.
From our family here at The Falcoholic to yours, happy Thanksgiving. As we all gear up to stuff our faces with delicious food, let’s dig into a very important question. Which Thanksgiving dish best represents the Atlanta Falcons?
They’re a bunch of turkeys
This team was strutting around the barnyard, as proud as can be after taking out the Saints and the Panthers. But you can’t deny that they played like a bunch of turkeys against the Buccaneers. Let’s hope they don’t decide to acknowledge Thanksgiving by playing like a bunch of turkeys against the Saints, too. - Jeanna Thomas
They are fruitcake
It’s the dish that only comes around once a year. When it’s not the season for it, you sometimes think about it and wonder if it’s actually better than you remember. Then, the season gets here and someone whips out the fruitcake and you remember how much it sucked and you wish it would just go away. Yeah. That’s my Falcons. - David Walker
That weird dish your aunt makes that contains raisins or something
I think most families have at least one person who voluntarily decides to not eat dairy, gluten, or something else, not due to a medical condition, but because they have seen one too many blogs on the dangers posted on Facebook. My family has about a dozen of these people and they eat garbage food. Inevitably, they will cook up a standard Thanksgiving food item and ruin it. This might be a wheat-free stuffing with raisins for “pizzaz” or something. They are guaranteed to say something like “you can’t tell there’s no sugar in it” or “it’s even better than the normal kind.” These are bold-faced lies. It will be disgusting.
Ultimately, the Falcons are more often than not this disaster dish. Ignoring what successful teams do, the Falcons find cute new ways to destroy the right way to do something. No one asked for it and certainly no one wants it. Vic Beasley as the team’s top pass rusher is crammed down our throats year after year like a dairy-free mac and cheese. Or a new bad idea, like adding two bad guards who do not fit the blocking scheme, will ruin desert. These bad ideas can ruin the meal and an entire season. - Matt Chambers
Sure, dinner rolls can be great at times, but what purpose do they serve? It’s just bread that ends up taking up space in your stomach and not allowing you to enjoy other delicious side dishes. It’s Thanksgiving, why eat bread when there is plenty of other nights throughout the year to consume the rolls? That’s basically the Falcons. They just exist for the point of being close to the table but nobody is fighting for the rolls. They’ll sit there all night, and sure some will be eaten, but chances are by the end of the evening, the rolls will remain and be thrown away. – Evan Birchfield
I love the idea of cranberry sauce more than I love cranberry sauce itself. Every year I wax nostalgic for the stuff, and I’m ready to take down a whole can (or pot of fresh-prepared stuff, I’m not picky) until it actually hits my plate. It’s something you eat and enjoy, to an extent, but it never quite lives up to your expectations and is dwarfed by the many delicious things around it.
Anyways, what about the Falcons? -Dave Choate