Dan Quinn introduces new motivational eye mask for watching the Falcons defense

This article is a parody, and none of the quotes or images contained within are real and factual.

Dan Quinn is not ready to give up on the 2019 season. Things are grim but you would never know it if you only heard from Quinn. The Falcons lost two winnable games against shaky competition, allowing two separate quarterbacks to earn Offensive Player of the Week awards, and kissed goodbye any realistic chance at the playoffs.

That might cause another coach to check out. To get unmotivated. To slow down. Not Quinn.

He is as fired up as ever, thinking of new ways to motivate both his players and the fans. We’re liking his latest idea a lot.

Listen, we’re 1-5. There’s not much to do about that. I’ve brought in different shirts to get the team on the same page. We got motivational shirts to get the fans to get behind the team. We might not make the playoffs but we can still show the guys we support them. They’re hurting, the fans are hurting. And I think I know what will help.

Sometimes this team can be tough to watch but you still want to support the team, give us all the noise you’ve got at the stadium and at home. It sucks when it happens and it sucks when you’re going through it, like seeing Tyeler Davison drop into coverage or seeing Will Fuller walk uncovered into the end zone despite dropping eight players into coverage. It’s enough to make you sick. In fact, it has and it has created a real health issue at the stadium. Now you can block out the bad plays completely while supporting the Falcons.

The team announced they will hand out sleep masks to the first 10,000 fans that show up to Sunday’s Los Angeles Rams game. The team will alert fans of Rise Up, Black Out periods, where everyone is encouraged to fully cover both eyes with the mask while screaming as loud as possible.

Quinn explained exactly what he hopes to see on Sunday.

We want everyone to go crazy. Get LOUD. Go nuts. But also save yourself from the physical and mental anguish of watching the team. If there’s a third down, it’s time to Rise Up and Black Out. The stadium speakers will blast white noise at nearly deafening volume until it’s finally safe to look at the field again.

The team released a statement about the newest apparel, their latest effort to improve the fan experience.

The Falcons are dedicated to raising the bar while lowering expectations. In just another step of revolutionizing the professional sports industry, the cutting-edge stadium comes cutting-edge ideas and cutting-edge products. Now fans can eat our award-winning, reduced-cost foods and drinks without losing their lunch because Marcus Mariota looks like a Hall of Famer.

To further enhance the fan experience, MBS will become the first NFL and MLS stadium to implement a complete stadium-wide projectile vomiting station in case a fan accidentally sees a defender try to cover a running back. This will give the diehard fan important flexibility in case their mask slips or risks seeing a lineman try to set the edge on the way to the restroom.

The emergency “Same Old Falcons” stations will be spread out across the stadium, guaranteed to “create a new paradigm of fan experience when you caught a glimpse of Isaiah Oliver covering deep but the restroom lines are too long and you can’t repress your bodily functions.” The press release recommends that to further enhance the experience, fans should clap their wings like a bird and pretend the bucket is actually a baby falcon when using the stations.

This article is a parody and we have no evidence suggesting the Falcons are planning to play soothing white noise throughout Sunday’s game against the Rams, though we would like that a lot.