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A brief history on the curse of Atlanta sports

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It helps to know how we got here.

Atlanta Falcons v Philadelphia Eagles Photo by Mitchell Leff/Getty Images

With the unfortunate news that the Falcons are now losing Deion Jones for an extended period of time — after having just lost Keanu Neal for the season — it’s understandable that Atlanta Falcons fans would be wondering why this is all happening?

It’s simple: It’s the curse of Atlanta sports.

But how did we get here? Why is this curse haunting us in the year that the Falcons had their best roster ever?

Pull up a chair and let me share with you a tale. A tale of how the curse of Atlanta sports was visited on this city of ours.

The year was 1840. In a city called Terminus, which you now know as Atlanta. Daniel Day Choat was visiting Terminus from the frozen icelands of Canada. The intense heat of the Atlanta winter had disoriented Mr. Choat, who stumbled his way onto a private property just on the outskirts of town. It was there, on that fateful land, that he met a witch named Morph.

Morph: Trespasser! Your very presence on my sacred land has disturbed my life, life, life. For this, you must pay dearly!

Choat: I’m quite sorry. This intense 50 degree heat has me quite disoriented. I was looking for your local mountie.

Morph: A what?

Choat: You know, a handsome fellow on horseback who can help with any of life’s troubles?

Morph: I don’t know what that is.

Choat: That’s too bad, eh?

Morph: I don’t have time for this. A great curse will be visited on your head!

Choat: Does it have to be my head? Do I have some options here?

Morph: What? No one has asked me for options before.

Choat: Well, as they say in my home of Canada, it never hurts to ask.

Morph: I don’t normally offer options.

Choat: It’d be a nice gesture to a visitor, dontcha think?

Morph: Ok. I’ll give you two options!

Choat: That’s not very many.

Morph: Dammit. Stop interrupting me! You only get two for now!

Choat: Ok, then.

Morph: Your first option is this: throughout the rest of time, all the men in your family will go prematurely bald.

Choat: Wow, that’s pretty harsh, eh?

Morph: Shut up! Your second option is this: Throughout the rest of time, all sports teams in your adopted land will be cursed. They will raise your hopes and make you believe, only to crush their fans in the most dramatic and painful ways possible.

Choat: What’s a sport?

Morph: It’s a thing that’ll be big in the future. Leather balls, stuff like that. Lots of cheering.

Choat: Ah, yeah, I’ll definitely go with that option. The balding sounds horrible.

Morph: Are you sure about that? I promise, this sports thing is really going to take off.

Choat: I can’t imagine my progeny without a full head of hair. Yes, I’m positive.

Morph: So be it! From henceforth, your adopted land shall have a sports curse placed on it, only to be lifted when the great chrome falcon god is appeased.

Choat: Haha, ok, whatever that means. I have to go now, my family and I really like it down here. We’re thinking of adopting this city as our own.

Morph: Be gone, you! Be gone from my life, life, life.

That infamous exchange lives on in the very history of Atlanta and all of its sports teams. One stupid Canadian is disoriented by temperatures above freezing and we all have to suffer for it.

The next time you feel hopeful about an Atlanta team, just remember this curse and all that comes with it. It’s why we suffer, especially when things seem the most promising.