Moore spent years torturing Atlanta secondaries as part of the evil empire before one random August 2016 Friday, the Falcons announced they’d signed him to a one-year deal.
It was really weird for us, and apparently, it was weird for him, too.
Then, like, a few days later, he, well, retired. I’ll let Moore explain why it all went down on a video I found over at the Facebook group Dirty Bird Nation (hey, Dirty Bird Nation!).
Warning: there is some substantial ‘Aints love and Falcons slander in here. Make sure your children aren’t present to hear this disgusting filth.
That’s a bizarre, confusing story, but, hey, good on Moore for realizing he didn’t want to be a part of the team, and letting the spot go to a younger player. Instead of Moore that year, the Falcons had Taylor Gabriel, which worked out, because Gabriel had a breakout season, and, uh, actually wanted to be there.
But, somehow, that’s not even the most fascinating thing here.
Apparently, this story was told on some sort of Saints-themed Carnival cruise, which sounds like the dorkiest assembly Who Dat dorkfaces in human history. Can you imagine being stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean with a bunch of lame Saints fans laughing about 28-3 and that one time they won a Super Bowl 500 years ago? I’d honestly watch reruns of Super Bowl 51 in the freezing rain over stepping foot on that wretched vessel.
The deck parties on those boats are called “Saints Sailgate Sailaways,” which makes me want to punch something very hard. How embarrassing is that? A Saints Sailgate Sailaway.
A group of Saints fans was watching that Minnesota divisional playoff game.
Saints. Sailgate. Sailaway.
OH THE GLORIOUS VISUAL IMAGES OF SAD SAINTS FANS STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN ON A CARNIVAL CRUISE DECKED OUT OUT IN SAINTS GEAR AND SHAME (which are kind of the same thing when you stop and think about it)
I honestly just teared up a little bit.
So, if you ever wanted the inside scoop on why Lance Moore became a Falcon that one time, here’s the closest you’ll get to a 30 for 30.
And, if you wanted to imagine Saints fans being stuck on an inescapable Carnival cruise of embarrassment, well, sometimes, the universe is just cool like that.