Prospective Panthers buyers want to keep team on Planet Earth and revolutionize the NFL stadium experience

Rumors are flying left and right as the sale of the Carolina Panthers is coming down to just a handful of prospective owners. The Falcoholic, in our new role as your #1 news site for the Carolina Panthers, and uh, Arizona Cardinals, can confidently report, based on a rumor we just made up, that all of the billionaires bidding on the Carolina Panthers intend to not only build a brand new stadium for the Panthers, but they want to completely change how fans enjoy their gameday experience.

These rumored proposals are coming out in opposition to the fabricated rumors that Elon Musk, the internet rocket billionaire who is not a serious bidder for the Panthers at this time, is considering purchasing the team and moving it to Mars.

The focus, of course, is making sure that fans can afford to enjoy themselves during the game. Each of these benevolent captains of industry is committed to dropping the prices of all concessions well below league average prices. This will ensure that fans no longer have to decide between a hot dog or nachos. No other NFL stadium that anybody has visited has ever made such a bold and fan-centered commitment.

The hope for the team is that this could be as savvy a business move as it is exciting a fan move. The plan is to make up for, and eventually surpass, the lost revenue from overpriced items by selling a much higher volume. However, some potential minority investors are skeptical of this approach. To manage the fears of their investment groups, most of the bidders for the Panthers intend to subsidize this program by cutting costs in other areas of stadium construction. Rumors are they could do this by simply not constructing the pipes used for manufacturing crowd noise during their traditionally disappointing seasons.

Of course, the owners will also make their money back by distracting their fans with cheap drinks so that they won’t complain about paying higher taxes to build the new stadium in the first place. Whether or not this business model will attract enough serious investors to outbid Elon Musk - who, again, is not interested in buying the team at this time - remains to be seen.