Super Bowl 52 Drunkcap: A Falcons fan drinks his way through his worst nightmare

I’ll admit after the Falcons had the worst loss in NFL history, there was a part of me hoping they would battle back and right the wrongs that ruined Super Bowl 51. With the New England Patriots expected back because the AFC is garbage, we’d see a rematch.

It wasn’t the Falcons, but another team gets a shot at giving their fans their first Super Bowl win. Was it the Lions? The long-suffering Minnesota Vikings fans? No, it was the Philadelphia Eagles with the worst fans in all of sports. They don’t deserve a win. Neither do the Patriots.

Lets drink through this.

Drink One

Lets get this started. Maybe there will be some good commercials? At the very least I can drink through every 28-3 mention we are bound to hear tonight. How much booze can you pour in a drink before it’s just considered a giant shot?

The Eagles looked strong on offense before they hit the red zone. Same with the Patriots. I’m bored and still angry at 3-3.

Alshon Jeffrey pulled in a 34-yard touchdown from Nick Foles (still sounds weird). Instead of getting a decent lead, they botched the extra point. 9-3. After blowing out the Minnesota Vikings and maybe beating the Patriots, does this mean the Falcons were one red zone toss to Terron Ward away from lifting a Lombardi?

As long as we are asking stupid questions, did anyone know the winter Olympics start this week?

I’ve tried to block most of last year’s Super Bowl from my memory, but seeing some amazing plays by Danny Amendola and James White has got me triggered.

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Drink Two

We are averaging one drink per quarter, which will make the fourth quarter the best writing I’ve ever produced.

If you remember Brandin Cooks from the Saints, he’s a very short but speedy wide receiver. On a third-and-two, he tried doing this.

This leads to the Patriots missing a 26-yard field goal right off the post! Where was this last year?

The Patriots are left with three points. Boy, I sure hope they don’t turn it on halfway through the third quarter. To add insult to literal injury, on the next possession Cooks tries going backwards after catching a pass and gets clobbered by Malcolm Jenkins. Regrettably, he’s pretty clearly concussed and should be out of the game if the Carolina Panthers aren’t running the show.

Tom Brady was for some reason sent out as a wide receiver and badly missed a catch. As of this point, the only thing that could make this game great is if Brady forgot to drink enough water and got severe burns from the field lights.

Jeffrey has been making plays all game. Remember when Lane Kiffin told him he’d be pumping gas if he went to University of South Carolina? Speaking of poor decisions, LeGarrette Blount just Marshawn Lynched his way into the end zone. He made it look easy.

The Eagles decided to go for two, ensuring the Patriots will still be within the scoring range we all know they are capable of. 15-3 most of the way through the half.

Bill Belichick has made a “coaching decision” to not start Malcolm Butler, and he has zero snaps so far. Everything about football is terrible.

Rex Burkhead catches a screen for 47 yards because nothing in the world is fair. Brady still looks off, but again, we’ve seen that before. I won’t believe this game is over until next Thursday.

Cris Collinsworth is a pox on society. How did this man ever get a single commentary job? The Patriots finish up with a field goal. They get the ball back after Jeffrey makes a poor decision to bobble up a potential catch in the end zone, creating an easy pick. The Patriots pull in the touchdown and MISS THE EXTRA POINT. This team is supposed to do all the easy things well and they are messing them up.

Philly’s third down back (Clementine?) had a monster play in space, then rushed for some hard yardage up the middle. The cameras cut to Brady looking dejected, as if Robert Alford just ran back one of his passes for six. The Eagles go for it on fourth-and-one, call a time out to see New England’s defense, then embarrasses the dynasty by directly snapping it to the third down back (Clooney?), who hands off to Zach Ertz, who throws a touchdown pass to Nick Foles.

I swear, I’m not even that drunk. That happened. The Eagles are up 22-12. A pretty decent lead but I’ve seen better. Speaking of better, Foles has been better than Brady. Then they gave it back to Brady with time... and things went poorly. A screen to Amendola predictably didn’t create 50 yards, ending the half.

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Drink Three

I’d rather rewatch the last 10 minutes of last year’s Super Bowl on repeat than watch this halftime show.

Jimmy Kimmel just introduced Justin Timberlake and I want to live in another dimension. A fair dimension where the Falcons still won the Super Bowl. But this is great. I like a bunch of tracks I barely listened to high school, and a few clips from songs that never caught on. Then there was dancing.

Third quarter starts with tossing solely to Rob Gronkowski. It works pretty well.

It’s suddenly a three point game, 22-19. Do the Falcons actually have a good defense but they were just playing some underrated offenses? Since that hypothetical can’t be disproven, I’m saying yes. Yes, it is.

Foles tossed the most absurd touchdown pass to the third string back (Clancy?), dropping the ball beautifully right behind coverage. Eagles up 29-19 after they make (?) the extra point.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: the Patriots put together an unstoppable drive late in the third quarter. Chris Hogan runs a precision route for a solid touchdown. 29-26.

Brady has now thrown for over 400 yards and it’s not even the 4th. Where the hell is this elite Eagles defense?

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Drink Four

Where was this trash Patriots team last year? Things change quick, and it’s now the 4th quarter. We are still at field goals which is stupid. Eagles up 32-26, so the Patriots can be back in the lead in one drive.

“You have to finish off Tom Brady,” warns Collinsworth. This is my nightmare. It’s like the Patriots offensive line prepares mainly for the fourth quarter, but they are getting over hangovers the first three quarters. They are suddenly dominating this game, and I don’t even recognize Fletcher Cox.

Collinsworth made a point that the Falcons defense wore down, but didn’t expect the Eagles defense to do it. That big idiot was wrong. Gronkowski pulled in a touchdown, and the Patriots have “the first lead for the game” despite it being a tie game and the kicker sucking. Great job, guy making six to seven figures to comment on this game. Kick is shockingly good.

The Eagles have scored more points than the Falcons last year without a defensive touchdown, but Kyle Shanahan is supposed to be great. Yes, I’m very bitter, but this is Nick Foles, and the MVP with Julio Jones and Devonta Freeman managed 21 points against a baaaaaaaaad defense.

Suddenly someone who isn’t an idiot DOESN’T BLOW A GIANT LEAD. We will have more analysis on this soon.

The Falcons held these Eagles to 15 points, who scored 38 points! 38 damn points! This is some damn shenanigans. Eagles have missed an estimated 30 extra point opportunities and still had 10 more points than the Falcons ever had.

Kyle Shanahan is a fraud.

Brady has 2:21 with one timeout. This weak Eagles defense has to stop the ancient Brady. Then Brandon Graham and Derek Barnett simultaneously sack Brady.

Must be nice. Football is terrible. Nick Foles is going to get a Super Bowl win before Matt Ryan. The world is unfair.

The Eagles kick a super long field goal and turn it to an eight point game. There’s just over one minute on the clock. I’ve seen this before, and I’m dipping back into some Tito’s.

The Patriots try tossing the ball backwards in an effort to go home early and miss traffic. They fail. Brady gets the ball back, and misses on first. He misses on second. The MVP misses on third down. Fourth down he connects but has to quickly take a knee with 26 seconds left and zero timeouts.

That’s not great.

He connects with Gronk who runs out to a first down. He tosses to Gronkowski again, just burning up time for underneath passes. Brady failed on a sideline pass to some nobody, then went deep on the last play of the game for an incompletion.

Eagles win, 41-33. Football is stupid. Turns out that not being an idiot in the fourth quarter should result in a win. I can’t relate. Congrats Eagles fans.

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Drink Five

Is this what Patriots fans did after the game last year? Enjoyed some boring television of their owner and head coach giving some nondescript answers to stupid questions? If only the Falcons got the chance. They had more talent on the roster, but regrettably not with some of their coaches.