Let’s be honest: This 2018 Falcons team has been hard to watch recently. The five-game skid has eradicated any playoff hopes and the team has actually looked worse with each passing week. This season has been a reminder that death will eventually take us all and that we should enjoy the rare moments of joy, because this sport will sweep in and steal them all away.
Nihilism aside, this is The Falcoholic after all, and if you watch this team without drinking, you’re probably not quite 21 or you’re a much stronger person than me. Perhaps both. So, I’m here today to present some potential drink selections to get you through the next few games. Enjoy!
Cardinals vs Falcons
This Sunday is the last home game for the Falcons and it comes against a team that — on paper — is possibly a worse team than the Falcons. These days though, that doesn’t really mean much, so if you’re banking on a win, you may want to get a head start on these drinks.
My first recommendation? An Old Fashioned. The mix of sugar and whiskey is good, but what really brings this drink home are the bitters. Now, you can mix your bitterness at this season with the bitters in your alcohol. Win-win.
My next recommendation? Just do shots. Lots of shots. Tequila, vodka, whatever. Anything that floods your system so quickly that any memory of this game disappears into a fog of embarrassment and hopelessness.
Falcons vs Panthers
Ah, yes. Our second game against a Panthers team that has been slowly falling apart as well. Once in the driver’s seat for a playoff berth, the kittens seem destined for a mid first-round pick once again. The cure for their ills? Facing a Falcons defense that couldn’t stop a five-year-old kid on a tricycle with rusted-out wheels.
My first recommendation? In the spirit of Christmas, mix some eggnog with your choice of bourbon or rum. Hell, mix both of them in. If you don’t like eggnog, just drink the rum. Or the bourbon. Hell, mix those together and enjoy.
My next recommendation? A Long Island iced tea. Nothing embodies a wicked desire to lose consciousness more than mixing every available alcohol in the cabinet. It’s the perfect drink to cap off this 2018 season. Two tall glasses and the only memory you’ll have of this game will be the massive hangover the next day.
Falcons vs Buccaneers
So, we’ve made it. We’re going to play a Bucs team that has a better record than the Falcons and whose defense has been really good since firing Mike Smith. Shocking, I know. There’s a fairly good chance that Gerald McCoy sacks Matt Ryan so many times that our QB can’t even find the energy to drop the F-bomb on the sideline anymore. As I always say, when your QB hits the ground, it’s the alcohol you should pound. OK, I don’t actually say that, but maybe I should start.
My drink recommendation? You’re going to need something strong. Something that really says “this 2018 season is a nightmare, end it all.” Grab any alcohol you can find — vodka, tequila, gin, whiskey, anything — and mix it with a nice, large glass of battery acid. In lieu of battery acid, you can also use Drain-O, bleach, or my personal favorite, burning hot lava.
Do you have any drinks you prefer when watching the Falcons? Share your ideas in the comments below.