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Dan Quinn sends Sunday’s worst performer to a new pit of unending fire

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The omnipotent falcon demigod may be moving to his new home, but that doesn’t mean he can take an off week on blood sacrifices.

Last season, Dan Quinn was haunted. He came to Atlanta to help the Falcons win a Super Bowl. There was a quarterback. A Hall of Fame wide receiver. A new stadium on the way. A multi-million dollar deal. Power over the roster. It all felt too good to be true.

There was a small catch. Developing the roster was a responsibility split between himself and Thomas Dimitroff. Arthur Blank, of course, was above the two of them. Quinn had no idea there was someone above Blank. Or something. That thing was an ancient metal bird with seemingly endless power. Power it uses to... influence football games.

Each former coach has been the recipient of the bad or good influence, all depending on their sacrifice. The bird, known as Samuel L. Falcon, demands a blood sacrifice. It must be the team’s weakest link. Coach. Player. Training staff. They all go into the pit of unending fire for judgement. Sometimes they get escape. Others are never heard from again, like Jonathan Massaquoi.

Last year, Quinn couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t eat. The whole process shook him to his core. He just wanted to coach football. It felt like he was slowly dying. But all of that paled in comparison to the Super Bowl loss, so he’s really embraced the lake of fire in 2017.

New season. New Dan Quinn.

“WES SCHWEITZER, HOW ABOUT YOU BLOCK YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS PIT OF FIRE.”

Samuel L. Falcons’ eyes burned in approval. Schweitzer won the guard battle, only to channel his inner Peter Konz. Konz, of course, never made it out of fire pit. The bird is moving into its new digs, but for now has setup shop 500 feet underneath the new stadium.