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Falcons 20, Dolphins 23: Starters thrive, Jalen Collins was roasted alive

Going against 9th string WRs, Collins did not fare well.

NFL: Atlanta Falcons at Miami Dolphins Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports

NFL Football is back my friends (although preseason barely counts). Either way, our Falcons were back in action going against the Miami Cutlers Dolphins. Here’s how things went down in the first game of the preseason.

First Quarter

The Dolphins - with Matt Moore at QB - started the game on offense and took a timeout before even snapping the ball (lol). The Falcons defense looked stout early on, forcing a three and out.

Falcons WR Andre Roberts made a strong case for kick return duties with a great punt return of 39 yards, giving the Falcons offense good starting position. Matt Ryan and the offense took the field and promptly began moving down the field with relative ease. They went for it on fourth and one, successfully converting not only the first down, but a pass that would go for a 14 yard TD to Devonta Freeman.

Falcons 7 - Dolphins 0

The Dolphins took the subsequent kickoff back for a nice gain, before beginning their own offensive drive, with Brandon Doughty at QB for the ‘fins. The Falcons defense didn’t look as stout during this drive, allowing the Dolphins to sustain their drive into field goal range, before forcing them to settle for the field goal.

Falcons 7 - Dolphins 3

The Falcons offense took the field with Matt “All World” Schaub at QB. Tevin Coleman started at RB in this series, with Terron Ward coming in quickly to relieve him. Wes Schweitzer came in at RG in this series, while Ben Garland slid over to Center. Mid-series, Matt Simms came in for Matt Schaub, finally executing on the “MATT MATT MATT” confusion strategy at QB. Stealthily, the Falcons swapped out several players, before the first quarter came to a merciful end.

Falcons 7 - Dolphins 3

Second Quarter

The second quarter opens with Matt $$$$$ Bryant missing a 47 yard field goal. The last time Bryant missed a field goal, Nixon was still President.

The Dolphins prolific offense took over again with De’Vondre Campbell making a freakishly athletic interception on the very first play of the drive. The Falcons offense would take over once again.

The Falcons offense did a good job of shooting itself in the foot repeatedly, with penalties putting them in 3rd and “ridiculously long.” Amazingly, Matt “let me throw it really, really hard” Simms threw a rocket to some french WR for the first down. The intimidating Falcons third string offense stalled out, forcing Matt Bosher to come out and punish the football physically with his punting prowess.

The Dolphins offense took over again, proving that they’re one of the best at going 3 and out. If only my alcohol had lasted long enough for this amazing battle.

The Falcons - led by Matt “I’m not that one, and no not that one” Simms - quickly relinquished the ball as well, proving that preseason football (and the recaps to accompany it) are an exercise in self punishment.

The Dolphins explosive offense went after the Falcons fourth string defense intensely, which strangely featured Ra’Shede Hageman and Brooks Reed. The Dolphins drive would end triumphantly, with CJ Goodwin being beat for a TD. Cue the “start Brandon Doughty” cries in Miami now.

Falcons 7 - Dolphins 10

The Falcons would receive the kick off and please god kill me. The Falcons offense under Matt “MY LAST NAME IS NOT RYAN” Simms at QB came out slinging the ball. This battle of third string offensive juggernauts is almost more than I can handle (without being head swinging drunk). Unfortunately, the Falcons would go three and out - SHOCKINGLY - and be forced to punt the ball.

The Dolphins thrilling quick-strike offense takes the field again, which the 30 Dolphins fans in attendance were thrilled to see. The Falcons defense force an impressive fourth and 19 after a series of things they did to make defensive goodness happen on the field. Dolphins understandably punt.

The Matt Simms - a notable dancing group - come back on the field for the Falcons. Terron “Jeanna misspelled his name Terrible” Ward started the drive with a wiggly, fancy run that shocked everyone, including himself. After a few plays were subsequently stuffed, Terron “it’s spelled with two Rs” Ward took it in for a TD. The Falcons take the lead in this thrilling contest!

Falcons 14 - Dolphins 10

Thankfully, the game would crawl to halftime, giving us time to refill our red solo cups.

Third Quarter

Somehow, halftime didn’t seem to last long enough, but alas, here we are.

The Falcons start the second half on offense, led by future Hall of Famer Matt “My Dad is still better than me” Simms at QB. Simms likes croissants, smelly cheese and french wide receivers it seems. Unfortunately, french receivers can’t save the offensive drive, as the Falcons offense quickly stalls out. Matt “I’m earning my entire yearly salary tonight” Bosher comes in for the punt.

The Dolphins offense comes back on the field after a monster punt. The “fast and physicals” did a good job of stifling the “ranked better than the Falcons by ESPN ROFL” Dolphins offense, forcing them into another three and out. IT IS A BATTLE OF THE PUNTERS TONIGHT PEOPLE.

Falcons fifth rounder Brian Hill starts off the next drive with a very hard two yard gain. A fantastic play by WR Reggie Davis was brought back by a hold by rookie TE Eric Saubert. The Falcons drive lasted for a good portion of the third quarter, with Simms getting multiple no-name receivers involved. The drive would stall out, leading to a Mike Meyer 30 yard field goal. Incidentally, he did not murder an entire community of teenagers while wearing a white William Shatner mask.

Falcons 17 - Dolphins 10

The Dolphins brought their offense back on the field under the guidance of QB David Fales. After an offensive pass interference call saved Jalen Collins from being burned alive, the Dolphins drive came to an quick end.

Falcons WR Reggie Davis continued to impress with a nice punt return, which was unfortunately called back by a holding penalty. The Falcons 8th string offense - featuring Gnarly Heebers the hobo at right guard - came back out on the field. After a short drive, Mike Meyer came back in to punch in another field goal.

Falcons 20 - Dolphins 10

The Dolphins offense meanders back on the field, with David Fales attempting to pretend to be a QB who knows what he’s doing. The Falcons 10th string defense - featuring 14 year old Bobby Maldowner at safety - did a good job of stifling the Dolphins offense. Unfortunately, the punt to the Falcons was accidentally touched by a Falcons player with the Dolphins recovering it after.

The Dolphins would get one pass off before the fourth quarter came along to mercifully put us out of our misery.

Fourth Quarter

If you’re still reading this at this point, I applaud you and apologize. The Dolphins offense - convinced that this game still means something - continued their drive down the field. On third and 8, David Fales threw an impressive ball for a TD. Amazingly, the ‘fins go for 2 points, but FALED to convert. I hate myself.

Falcons 20 - Dolphins 16

The Falcons come back onto the field with 13th string QB Alex Trebek, who is a Canadian game show host on the side apparently. Unfortunately, the drive stalls and Matt Bosher is forced to work overtime hours, punting for the 78th time on the evening. Falcons special teams (WR Marvin Hall) downs the ball at the one yard line. Good luck Dolphins.

And probably because I wished them good luck, the Dolphins literally threw a 99 yard touchdown pass on which Jalen Collins was burned alive. Oy vay.

Falcons 20 - Dolphins 23

Falcons WR Marvin Hall takes the kickoff return, and despite his winning strategy of greasing his hands with butter and olive oil, amazingly fumbles the ball, which the Dolphins recover.

The Dolphins 44th string offense takes the field with incredible field position. Rookie CB Jarnor Jones made an incredible play to intercept the ball and kill the Dolphins drive.

The Falcons offense - with QB Alex Targaryen - take to the field again. The 93rd string offense begins moving the ball methodically, thankfully burning down the clock as they go. Unfortunately, the drive is killed by a sack, and Matt Bosher comes in for his 118th punt of the night.

In hopes of being able to mount a comeback, the Falcons 118th string defense tried to stop the offensive juggernaut in front of them. Unfortunately, the Dolphins 233rd string offense was too good to be stopped. The Dolphins mercifully killed the remainder of the clock, to secure the win for the team from Miami that just gave Jay Cutler 10 million dollars.

Final: Falcons 20 - Dolphins 23