clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

"Ignore Any Memories to the Contrary: The Atlanta Falcons Really Won the Super Bowl," Says Elite Team of Football Scientists

New, comments

Extensive scientific research reveals that the Falcons won the Super Bowl

(Photo credit: Onion Sports)

Making an announcement from a secret bunker hidden miles below the National Football League’s Park Avenue headquarters, an elite team of football scientists say that they have determined based on nearly two months of intensive review that the Atlanta Falcons defeated the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LI.

“At first, we couldn’t believe this discovery either,” said lead scientist Dr. Maximilian Gridironbottom IV. “But our extensive research has revealed that a hole in space-time has altered our collective memories since the day of the Super Bowl. This revelation shows that those pre-April 1 memories are false and that the Atlanta Falcons won the Super Bowl by the score of 28 points to 3 points. Any memories, gifs, video clips, news clippings, and merchandise to the contrary cannot and should not be trusted.”

Asked how it could be possible that the memories of hundreds of millions of NFL fans prior to April 1 could be wrong, Dr. Gridironbottom responded “The universe is complicated. Memory is a tricky thing. But I can assure you that we are expert scientists and we’ve studied these matters round-the-clock. I would not be telling you this if I did not believe with 100% certainty that the Atlanta Falcons won the Super Bowl.”

Dr. Gridironbottom continued: “No one is more qualified than me and my team on these matters. We are quantum mechanics experts who have Ph.Ds in what is and what is not a catch. We are the ones who, using advanced calculus and stochastic processes, devise the secret formulas to determine NFL team salary cap figures, compensatory draft pick allocations, when NFL teams should go for 2, and the length of any domestic violence-related suspensions.”

When showed video evidence of the Patriots celebrating after the Super Bowl, the scientists - having analyzed each video clip frame-by-frame - pointed to numerous flaws in the video quality, doctored voices, and other incongruities. “That video clip of the guy stealing Tom Brady’s jersey clued us into the fact that something was up,” said Dr. Gridironbottom. “There’s no chance that highly-trained NFL security officials could ever let something like that happen. That’s when we knew something was wrong here.”

Gridironbottom continued: “It’s all fake news.”

When asked to identify a cause for this anomaly, the scientists pointed to one likely culprit. “Belichick,” said Dr. Gridironbottom. “We thought we had him stopped once and for all when our astrophysicists and pressurologists caught him and Brady modifying those footballs. But there’s only so much we can do from where we sit, miles underground. We do the best we can on our measly $100 million budget. What does Roger Goodell think we are, Albert Haynesworth? Anyway, Belichick is a truly evil genius who’s unfortunately always one step ahead of us.”

“In fact, come tomorrow, April 2nd, Belichick will probably have rewired our collective memories again so that we’ve forgotten all about this and yet again wrongly believe that the Patriots won Super Bowl LI. It’s tragic, really.”

Dr. Gridironbottom was then asked by reporters how it would be possible to alter individual memories. “You’d think it would be very difficult, but I can tell you from personal experience that it isn’t nearly as difficult as it would seem. For example, Kurt Warner thinks that he used to stock and bag groceries. In reality, he was being injected with genetic modifiers and elite quarterback serum in our secret labs that entire time.”

In closing, Dr. Gridironbottom advises that while the universe and space-time are complex, the Atlanta Falcons and their fans should not get bogged down in the details and should instead celebrate the scientists’ April 1st revelation before Bill Belichick re-alters space-time and re-implants false, horrible memories in football fans’ brains.

“We recognize that these poor Falcons fans have been burdened by two months of awful memories of losing a Super Bowl in dramatic, unbelievable fashion,” Dr. Gridironbottom said. “Well, to those fans, I say that today is your day of clarity. Ignore those untrue, painful fake memories that have been weighing you down. Take today to enjoy your Super Bowl victory. No matter what happens, no one can ever take today away from you. Make the most of it and revel in your rightly-earned Super Bowl victory.”