How the Falcons winning Super Bowl 51 changed everything

We all remember where we were in the closing moments of the Falcons’ epic Super Bowl win over the Patriots. We saw the Falcons up 28-3, improbably, in a game I would’ve thought would’ve ended with a 34-28 Patriots victory. It did not.

Somehow, Atlanta put on one of the most impressive victories in Super Bowl history, vanquishing perhaps the greatest team in league history. The memory is as fresh for me as it was on that wonderful day, and may it ever remain so.

I can’t run down all the ways in which life has changed for the better because of the Super Bowl—this rich, luxurious head of hair that spontaneously grew in mid-February being just one of them—but I will do my best.

• Site traffic is up 1000%. Our servers can’t handle all the jubilant Falcons fans, young and old, who have come to argue about whether Matt Ryan is a minor god or a major one. I’ve posted nothing but positive articles for nearly two full months, and for once, no one is complaining about that
• There isn’t a team in the NFC South that can talk trash about the Falcons anymore, given that two of them also only have one ring, and one of them has none. That means my mentions on Twitter have been blissfully quiet for the first time in years
• Never again (okay, not for a long while, anyways) will my Falcons fandom be a source of ridicule and pity. I have something to lord over all the Patriots fans in my life for a change, instead of the fact that I occasionally leave this frozen hellscape for warmer climes
• Dontari Poe’s decision to take an absurdly cheap one year, $7 million deal to play with the defending Super Bowl champions helps the team navigate their cap crunch a little bit, which helped them keep around a returning Chris Chester and ensure they have a solid starting option at right guard for one more year. That doesn’t necessarily happen if you’re not a Super Bowl winner
• Tom Brady’s decision to quit football in a fit of rage should ensure the Falcons won’t see the Patriots in the Super Bowl again next year, which is a major relief after how close that one was
• No, seriously, all my hair grew back. This is a picture I just took of myself in my home office, which features very soft lighting:

Can you imagine what life would have been like if the Falcons lost the Super Bowl? It would be miserable, filled with taunts from other fans, months of flashbacks to one of the worst losses in sports history. I don’t even want to think about it!