clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Full transcript of Kyle Shanahan’s braggadocious press conference after dominant Super Bowl win

New, comments

We have sure had trouble keeping up with the Falcons after they embarrassed the Patriots in the Super Bowl. There have been so many parades, parties, celebrations, and general cheerfulness that we did not get this until April 1st.

The Falcons blew out the dying dynasty in New England in the Super Bowl with an unheard of 35-3 win over Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. There is just still no way to describe how the Falcons could put up such an insurmountable lead.

We really need to give credit to the mastermind behind this prolific season. Atlanta’s true MVP: offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan.

Below is Kyle Shanahan’s full press conference after the historic win over the Patriots.

PR Staff: “Shanahan is coming to speak. Avert your eyes and kneel, swine!”

An overflowing press room falls to their knees. Instead of entering from the side room, Shanahan descends from the ceiling and gracefully floats to the microphone.

Shanahan: “Thanks everyone. Great win tonight.”

The room quickly stands to attention.

Shanahan:You may stand. I know the team demanded I get the game ball, but I have to give credit to Mohamed Sanu. People questioned his contract and his forgettable season, but we were waiting to unleash him. Three touchdowns and a Super Bowl MVP award later, the fans can catch up to where we were in the offseason. Man, he can just get behind a corner and make a move upfield. Electric with the ball in his hands.”

Reporter: “Kyle, that was amazing. We've seen some masterful play calling in the Super Bowl before, but this is on another level. You are a genius. I guess I don't even have a question. I'm just in awe to be speaking to you. You are clearly the smartest person in the history of the world."

Shanahan affirmatively nods while solving a Rubix cube without looking.

Reporter Al: "Kyle, I guess I want to let you know that I’m not worthy to even be in your presence.”

Shanahan smiles and shrugs.

Shanahan: "I'd like to explain how to outsmart Bill Belichick like it's nothing, but it’s just really tough to put it in super simple terms. I guess you could just say that Belichick is playing checkers and I’m playing 4D chess. Next question."

An unknown reporter screams while ripping his shirt off and swings it over his head. Shanahan smirks and winks.

Reporter Jones: "Sir, Mr. Boy Genius, your highness. Is it too soon to call you the greatest 49ers coach in team history yet?"

Shanahan: "I can't stop what people say about me, but they have a really great point. But I don’t want to say I’m already better than Bill Walsh because I’m just such a humble and friendly guy who is more about the team than my own greatness."

Reporter Jones: “What do you have to say about this genius offensive game plan? Every quarterback in the NFL is threatening to hold out if they aren’t traded to the 49ers. San Francisco fans are going nuts. The streets in the bay are littered with empty syrah and malbec bottles. A small one-bedroom home was destroyed, with damage expected to top $45 million. You are awesome and everyone loves you.”

Shanahan: “I’m glad to see the fans are so excited to have me in San Francisco. It’s great to bring this energy from a clearcut, dominant win, thanks in part to that ‘genius offensive game plan.’ But I guess I’d probably call it revolutionary...”

Reporter Jones: “I’m sorry for my insolence, my lord.”

Shanahan: “Either way, sometimes you can be creative. When everyone else in the known world would run the ball, you know the defense isn’t expecting a deep drop back.”

Every member of the press stands up and claps for almost 10 minutes.

Reporter Jones: (Visibly choked up from the beauty, and single, solitary tear strolls down his cheek.) “You are completely right, because who would do that?”

Reporter Ian: "Kyle, I forgot to feed my son’s fish and now it’s dead. Could you..."

Shanahan shrugs his shoulders while nodding, puts his hands on the small fish tank, and the fish bolts to life. Shanahan dusts off his hands.

Reporter Dave: “My liege, how do you not drown in your own genius?”

Shanahan: “It gets tough sometimes.”

Entire crowd: “Awwwwwwwww.”

Shanahan: “Thanks again. I’m glad we could bring this win to Atlanta, but I need to get working on my game plan for week 8 of 2024.”

Shanahan floats away from the press conference. The members of the press shout “KYLE” in unison.

Dan Quinn: “Don’t leave me, you beautiful genius.”