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The NFL wants a speedier game, so here’s 19 ideas for getting there

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ARE YOU READY FOR SOME [shorter and more efficiently-conducted] FOOTBALL?!?!?

Photo by Dylan Buell/Getty Images

Last week, it was reported that the NFL met with CBS to discuss speeding up football games next season. This follows on the heels of Roger Goodell acknowledging before the Super Bowl that the league is in the process of exploring ways to speed up game action:

“There are a number of things we think we can shorten the management of the game, to focus less on stoppages and more on action,” Goodell said.

Goodell said that, based on early input, the NFL...expects “to see a lot of changes this offseason” in regard to the length of games....

“We are trying to do it with the right balance that can improve the quality for our fans in the stadium and also the quality of the broadcast.”

This is one instance where Goodell is in the right. Just like that other time when he.....well, I can’t remember another time, but he’s right in this particular instance. We can all agree that NFL games go on way too long and that preserving our precious minutes on Sunday afternoons should be a very high priority for the league.

Just think: With an extra 5 or 10 minutes freed up each Sunday afternoon, we could get an earlier head start with our Facebook and Twitter gloating or emoting. With games ending earlier, we could convert inefficient minutes spent watching football games to something way more productive, like watching football highlights. If games were to end earlier, we’d be freed up to spend more time with our families, if by “families” you mean fantasy football teams and by “spend more time with” you mean constantly refresh to see the latest score updates.

The benefits here are as obvious as re-signing Taylor Gabriel. And the drawbacks here are as non-existent as Bene Benwikere’s chances of adequately defending Julio Jones.

Undoubtedly, the NFL’s crack team of time management scientists are at this moment working round the clock in a secret lab beneath the league’s Park Avenue offices, experimenting with all sorts of radical, yet league-approved methods to shorten game action by a few minutes.

Nonetheless, we feel we have something to offer here, especially because we are experts* when it comes to Falcons games (*at turning the TV on and watching). So, without further ado, here are The Official Falcoholic Proposals to the NFL For Shortening Falcons Games for the 2017 season: (Ed. note: Dave Choate and the Falcoholic editorial staff have nothing to do with any of this. So please don’t @ us.)

  • To save time on Falcons field goal attempts, the referee will approach Matt Bryant on the sideline and ask “Matt, you got this?” If “Money” responds “Yup,” the officials will nod at each other before putting their arms up in the air to signal that the field goal attempt is good.
“Yup”
  • All TV commercials will be 25% shorter, so long as everyone agrees that during every commercial, we will not leave the room, we will not talk to anyone, we will not use the restroom, we will not look at our phones, and we will not in any other way avert our attention from the mesmerizing league-sponsored product or service being advertised on our TV screen.
  • Every time that an opposing team gives up a reception to Julio Jones of 30 or more yards, that team forfeits a timeout.
  • To prevent game stoppage for injury timeouts, Mercedes-Benz Stadium will be equipped with trap doors throughout the entire football field. In the event of injury, the injured player will be dropped via trap door to the stadium sub-level where Northside Hospital’s elite team of orthopedists, surgeons, and sports medicine specialists will be standing by to instantly offer the highest-quality medical assistance (including for any further player injury sustained when falling through the trap door).
  • Move the 2-minute warning back 13 minutes and rebrand it as the end of the prior quarter.
  • In order to avoid players stopping the clock by running out of bounds, add bumpers along the sidelines like in bumper bowling.
  • Before breaking the huddle, Matt Ryan must remind his receivers to catch the ball and his receivers must, in turn, remind Ryan not to throw an incomplete pass.
  • There will be a 90-second run-off every time that Tyson Jackson records a sack just because.
  • Lady Gaga Halftime Show will be divided up into 2-minute chunks that play out over 17 weeks.
  • Falcons defenders can prevent a coach’s challenge by tackling the opposing head coach before he throws a challenge flag.
  • Put a Post-It note on Jake Matthews’ locker before each game with a reminder not to commit a holding penalty in any key situations.
  • When a team scores a touchdown, no celebration of any kind will be permitted. The scoring team must quickly and orderly vacate the field immediately following a touchdown. No football spiking, no fist-pumping, no high-fiving, no butt-slapping, and no outward expression of joy of any kind will be tolerated. If the referees catch any player so much as smiling or otherwise conveying self-satisfaction for finishing a successful drive, a 15-yard penalty will be assessed on the kickoff.
  • No celebrations after field goals are allowed either, but that’s just to ensure that no one Gramaticas themselves.
Don’t try this at home, kids
  • The NFL will write a league-wide memo urging teams that have the lead to not call any offensive plays that could cause an easily winnable game to go into overtime rather than end in regulation (otherwise known as the Kyle Shanahan Edict).
  • For instant replay review, instead of proceeding with needlessly time-consuming booth reviews, conduct a hyper-efficient 30-second poll on The Falcoholic dot com so that Falcons fans from across the world can accurately and impartially weigh in with the correct call that benefits the Falcons.
  • If an idiot fan runs onto the field, utilize the Mercedes-Benz Stadium injury trap doors, except in that case, make sure that the personnel below the stadium can also serve as a firing squad.
  • If Jimmy Graham ever attempts to dunk the ball over the goalpost, give him the trap door/firing squad treatment as well.
  • In order to prevent any clock stoppage for incomplete passes, Falcons defenders will do whatever the hell it is they did on that Edelman catch.
  • In the event that the giant Falcon statue in front of Mercedes-Benz Stadium magically comes to life, flies onto the field, and intercepts an opposing team’s pass in its mouth before flying off into the horizon, the game clock will continue to run for however long the reanimated giant Falcon statue remains in the air, up until the end of the fourth quarter.
All of those sacrifices to the Falcon statue were soooooo worth it

Well there you have it! You’re welcome in advance for all of the extra minutes that will be restored to your fall Sundays. If you have any other game-condensing ideas, be sure to add them in the comments below to ensure that they’re seen by Roger Goodell and all of his league office cronies who regularly monitor this website.