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The Falcons are a show about nothing: The Booth

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Join us for our first episode of the Falcons as Seinfeld.

NFL: Atlanta Falcons at Carolina Panthers Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

If you haven’t already guessed it, the Atlanta Falcons seem to embody an episode of Seinfeld with each and every turn. While it’s a bit ad nauseum at this point to make Seinfeld parodies, no one has done so through the lens of Falcons football. So, without further ado, let’s get all nineties out for this episode of FalconSeinfeld.

INT: Dan Quinn’s office – the Monday after the Lions game

Quinn sits at his desk, reading “Even More Powerful Platitudes to Coach With.” Matt Ryan sits across from Quinn and scrolls through his phone.

QUINN

Keep the Engine On. I love it. So, when you’re on the sideline, keep the engine on, so when you go out there again, it’s like a car, right? That’s great. That’s so great. I’m going to email the equipment guys to order 100 “Keep the Engine On” shirts. It can have a Falcon driving a fast car, gritting its teeth or whatever. That’s awesome. What do ya think, Matty?

Ryan fumbles his phone and looks up.

RYAN

Yeah, uh, fast and physical, right.

QUINN

You weren’t even paying attention. I have all these great ideas! Matty!

RYAN

They’re good ideas! We did the one about the car brakes! People liked that one!

QUINN

Aw, you’re just saying that.

RYAN

Yeah, I am, so, let’s talk the Bills?

QUINN

Alright. The Bills. The Bills. So, here’s what I’m thinking. We end up…

Steve Sarkisian walks in to the office and sits down with his note pad.

SARK

Alright, fellas. Let’s talk shop, right?

As soon as Sarkisian sits down, the pungent aroma of his cologne fills the office. Quinn does his best to not gag by coughing, while Ryan just unpleasantly smiles. The meeting carries on, and Sark checks his watch.

SARK

Alright guys, great stuff. I’m off to go meet with the running backs. Gotta get Tevin more involved with the ground game. Really hits me as a between the tackles guy. Alright guys, peace out.

QUINN

Could you get the door? Thanks, Steve.

Sark shuts it, and as soon as he does, the duo begin to rush to open Quinn’s widow, and fan out the room.

QUINN

Jiminy Christmas, what the heck was that?

RYAN

Gosh, that smelled worse than Tyson Clabo after a conditioning exercise! That was atrocious!

QUINN

I think I might die. I’m serious. Is it just me? Have you ever smelled something like that on a person before?

RYAN

Not at all. One time, Mike Smith accidentally tried this awful cologne that was meant for dogs for his anniversary, but he wised up to it soon enough.

QUINN

Sheesh, Matty. What if he wears that on game day? I can’t coach like that, Matty. I can’t do it! I won’t, I tell you, I won’t!

RYAN

Well, maybe he will only do this today, and it won’t stick.

Thomas Dimitroff slams the door open and begins to say something, when he’s suddenly hit with the stench.

DIMITROFF

So fellas, I’m beginning to think this whole thing with the ping pong tables is really a…SHEESH LOUISE WHAT IS THAT?

QUINN

It’s atrocious, Dimitroff! Unfathomable! A nightmare for all occasions!

DIMITROFF

Matt?

RYAN

Yeah, it’s pretty bad.

DIMITROFF

I haven’t smelled something that bad than that time Smitty wore the poochie perfume. Boy, was that awful. One of the worst. But this is close. This. Is. Cloooose.

Scott Pioli walks in. Pioli and Ryan glare at each other.

RYAN

Hello, Pioli.

PIOLI

Why, hello, Matthew! And hello other residents of this festooned working space. Trying out a new cologne, today, Matty?

RYAN

It’s Sark.

QUINN

It’s awful.

RYAN

He’s *your* friend!

QUINN

That doesn’t count!

RYAN

Well, let’s give him a week. See if it tides over.

DIMITROFF

Huh, Tide, his shirts are sure going to need a looooot of Tide.

INT – SIDELINE – FALCONS VS. BILLS

Quinn motions Sark over to him after the first drive. Sark has worn the same cologne.

QUINN

Sark, what are you see-hee-hee, uhm, from the Bills. From Buffalo.

SARK

Well, they are running some looks I didn’t see…

Quinn is trying all sorts of hand motions to cover his mouth while Sark stands there.

SARK

You good, Dan?

QUINN

Yeah, I’m just…you know…well, that’s great, Steve. Keep it up, I’ve got to go talk to, uh, Sharrod, about his, tack…tackling.

SARK

Alright. Well, I’ll be seeing ya.

QUINN

Take care.

Quinn motions Ryan over.

QUINN

Matt! I can’t do this! He smells like what I imagine Dontari Poe’s bathroom smells like.

RYAN

Yes, I know, but just y’know, focus out of it.

Sarks walks by Ryan, who gags, as Quinn slams both of his into the air.

INT – QUINN’S OFFICE – Monday after the Bills loss

Quinn is folding his arms, as Ryan scrolls through his phone.

QUINN

I can’t do it, Matty. I can’t do it anymore. Nope. Nope nope nope. He’s going TO THE BOOTH! TO THE BOOTH!

RYAN

Oh, cammon, Dan. You know he already said he wanted to be on the field.

QUINN

Then he shouldn’t smell like a bucket of old hams!

Dimitroff busts in the door.

DIMITROFF

Well, well, well, ole Stink Sarkisian hasn’t stopped by. What a treat, what a treat.

RYAN

Oh, c’mon, Dimitroff, don’t say that.

DIMITROFF

Well, it’s true!

QUINN

He’s going to the booth. I’m not putting us through that anymore. I’m not doing this to Arthur. Poor Arthur. It’s bad enough when we lose. To watch his team lose, with the stench of death around him. It’s not right, Matty. It’s not right!

RYAN

I don’t know if this is going to work, Dan.

QUINN

I’m doing the world a favor! They should put me in the ring for this! The ring of honor!

INT – SIDELINE – FALCONS VS. DOLPHINS

Quinn stands smiling, sniffing the air more so than he ever would. Two players look oddly at him. He waves back. He sees Ryan.

QUINN

Do you smell that, Matty?

RYAN

No, what?

QUINN

That’s the smell of a solution, Matty. That’s the smell of a SOLUTION!

RYAN

We’ve blown a 17-point lead to the Dolphins. The offense is anemic, man.

QUINN

But it does smell nice, Matty. It smells wonderful. Besides, the Dolphins aren’t that bad.

RYAN

Jay Cutler is the quarterback!

QUINN

Yada yada yada, Jay’s fine. Jay’s got an arm. I bet Jay smells nice. Besides, I bet Steve likes the booth. *he looks up* Don’t’cha, Steve! Look at him, he’s having the time of his life. He’s a booth guy. Kyle liked the booth. Kyle didn’t like anybody, but boy, did he like that booth. Steve likes the booth, Steve likes the booth. Poor booth, though.

RYAN

Well, this is gonna go great.

EXT – SIDELINE – FALCONS VS. PATRIOTS

Quinn and Ryan stand after the first quarter.

QUINN

We’re going to do it, Matt. We’re going to stick it to ole Billy B. He’s going to rue the day he crossed Daniel Quinn. Oh man, oh man.

A think fog begins to set in over the stadium.

RYAN

Is that…is that a fog?

QUINN

A what, is that a what?

RYAN

A fog, Dan.

QUINN

Oh, well, uhm, I don’t…yeah, that’s a fog. But we can see through it. It’s fine. It’s fine.

INT – THE BOOTH – FALCONS VS. PATRIOTS

Sarkisian struggles to see what’s going on down on the field, as his monitor is also hazy.

SARK

Can you guys see anything? Guys? There’s like a fog here. I can’t see a thing. Guys? What about you, man?

Random Falcons Assistant Coach Sitting As Far Away As Possible With Shirt Pulled Up On Nose shakes head.

SARK

Alright, fair enough, man, thanks. Hope you get over that head cold, dude. Those sure are nasty, man. Ok, ok, fourth and goal, fourth and goal – I can’t see great, but Turbo’s so fast, man, let’s call a jet sweep. I love it. They’ll never see it coming.

The play fails miserably.

EXT - SIDELINE - FALCONS VS. PATRIOTS

QUINN

Why did he do that? Why did he, Sark! Sark, baby! No, no! Why did you…

Quinn looks up, sees deep fog covering the coaching box. Quinn realizes the situation.

QUINN

Oh, I mean, uhm, good stuff. We’ll, uhm, next time, next time. He can see. He can totally see. Just how it is. Just, uhm, hey Mack! Mack! Doing great baby, doing, uhm, doing great.

INT – QUINN’S OFFICE – Monday after Panthers game

Quinn and Ryan sit opposite of each other.

RYAN

Let him back on the sideline.

QUINN

Nope.

RYAN

Dan

QUINN

Nah-uh.

RYAN

Dan, we’re 4-4.

QUINN

We won a game.

RYAN

Against the Jets.

QUINN

It was raining! He could see then!

RYAN

He didn’t need to! It was the Jets!

QUINN

Hey, they’re alright this year. They’re alright.

RYAN

It was the Jets. You know, the ones from New York? The Jets!

QUINN

Ok! Well him being in the box is…for a reason.

RYAN

We suck now!

QUINN

It’s that dang Super Bowl! I knew it. Kyle just had to show off.

RYAN

Dan...

QUINN

Fine! Let’s get Stinky back on the sideline! We won’t have to worry about losing, because everyone will be too sick to play! Yay for Stinky! Let’s throw Stinky a parade! Expose all of Atlanta to this awful smell. Good for Stinky! Stupid Stinky!

Sarkisian walks in the office.

SARK

*laughs* Who’s Stinky?

QUINN

Oh, he’s, uhm, he’s a, this guy I know. From childhood.

SARK

Ah, wowo, that’s funny, man. Well, I just stopped by to say hello, and…

Ryan glares at Quinn.

QUINN

You’re back on the sideline.

SARK

Ah, really, that’s awesome man! That’s awesome!

QUINN

Yeah, it’s…good. Good, good, good. Well, yeah, that’s, uh, that’s all.

SARK

Sounds great, Dan, sounds great! Really looking forward to it.

Sark exits, Ryan lets out a deep exhale.

RYAN

That’s it! I know the smell! I think that’s the same cologne Mike Smith used! That’s totally it. How do so many people mistake that for human cologne. It’s for dogs! Wet dogs!

QUINN

What have I done.

INT – SIDELINE – FALCONS VS. COWBOYS

The Falcons are up 37-17 on Dallas late in the fourth quarter. Sark comes over to congratulate Quinn.

SARK

Ah, it feels so good to be back down here, Dan! So, so great. You mind if I soak this in with you? What a win, man, what a win.

Quinn, holding his breath, silently nods, as the two stand there and watch the rest of the game.

Fin.

Tune back in next time for another episode of FalconSeinfeld.

Cory is an editor of fellow Falcons site Rise Up Reader, where you can find more Falcons coverage. He is a cohost of the Falcoholic game-recap podcast that airs weekly.