Steve Sarkisian was stuck in a pit of fire for days. Probably an entire week. There’s no days or nights in the pit, so it’s really hard to say for sure. There’s only a few ways to know how to tell time. The best he could tell, the underground volcano spews fire and smoke every hour. And Freddie Falcon shows up about every 24 hours.
But Freddie shows up to hunt.
Sarkisian had to take a minute. It feels like just yesterday he was in his office drawing up offensive game plans. What random player was he going to needlessly pepper with targets this week? Taylor Gabriel? Austin Hooper? Justin Hardy? The answer is never Julio Jones, we all know that. Dan Quinn said he wanted to chat, so like normal they hit the elevator, Quinn used a special key on the elevator panel, the lights turned red, and they took a 17 minute ride down to their game planning area. Before he knew it, he was kicked into a giant fire pit in the presence of a gigantic metal bird.
This was, undoubtably, almost as weird as his time coaching with Nick Saban. Something was seriously wrong there. This is just weird.
Sarkisian heard the distinct screech. It was Freddie Falcon. The hair on his neck stood up. He could only be lucky so many times. He had a flashback to seeing Jalen Collins, still imprisoned near the base of the volcano under the watchful eye of Samuel L. Falcon.
“If you see Freddie, you have to run right through him. There’s no protection to outrun him.” It made so much sense, but at the same time, had Freddie gotten to Jalen? Don’t birds have hollow bones? Maybe Sarkisian could man up and play and go one-on-one with Freddie.
Sarkisian knew exactly where Freddie would be: 51 Hang Over Bridge. Collins told Sarkisian that it was the only path to escape. He would literally need to cross that bridge to survive, and Freddie would be right in the middle of it.
Sarkisian slowly scaled Toughness Crusades Ledge, and saw Freddie waiting on the bridge. His shirt was off, exposing hundreds of battle scars. Officially licensed NFL trident in hand now available in your team colors. Cold, dead eyes scanning the landscape for Sarkisian.
It was time to put up or shut up. If he couldn’t do it now, he would never cross this bridge. Sarkisian got fired up and charged. It was his only chance. He was going to go right up the middle.
Then he had a thought.
He could sweep around Freddie and simply jump to freedom. Freddie would never see it coming. Genius. He leapt from the bridge and tried extending to freedom.
It wasn’t close.
Sarkisian fell deep into the pit of Falcons Fan Despair, a particularly dark place inside the pit of fire, filled with thousands of crushed dreams. Sarkisian isn’t escaping any time soon, and now has an even more uphill battle to freedom.