Shanahan’s stolen playbook: “Nothing to see here, go Pats!” says mustachioed security guard

We covered late night’s news that Kyle Shanahan’s backpack, with his extensive playbook, concerningly went missing last night. While many have worried that the New England Patriots pulled another trick out their sleeve, security has confirmed it was just an honest mistake.

At some point during media day, Shanahan’s backpack mysteriously went missing for about 30 minutes. There were countless conspiracy theories, as the Patriots have been accused of watching Super Bowl walkthroughs, videotaping defensive signals, deflating footballs, pulling fire alarms at team hotels, and never having a working radio for their opponents’ in Foxborough to talk between coaches and players, among other things I’ve probably forgotten because the list is getting pretty long.

However, the reporter in question denied any connection with the Patriots.

Hey, I’m not a spy. You’re a spy! This is nothing like the movie Oceans 11, which was wicked awesome, and I know security will confirm I’m a real reportah. I’m just heah to cover the greatest quarterback to ever live. He’s got like a billion Super Bowl wins. How do you like them apples, kid?

The reporter, who said his name was “none of your business, wise guy,” then adjusted his oversized mustache. A security guard, also with an oversized mustache and sipping lustily out of a bottle of Samuel Adams, confirmed the reporter’s story.

I’m NFL securahty, in charge of prahtecting Tahm and maybe Ahmendola and everyone else can get lahst.

He’s right on all counts, bud. He’s a real reportah and not Matt Damon, stah of wicked awesome films like Oceans 11. Tah steal a playbook would take even bettah planning than that movie, which desahved multiple Oscahs! And Bill Belichick is a genius and has nevah, evah cheated. If you don’t believe me, come down to the garage with me, I’d be happy to convince you with my boys.

The boys are my fists, guy.

The security guard gave the reporter an extended wink and nod, and both mouthed “go Pats.” Immediately a mustached police officer comes in to calm the crowd with a thick, Boston accent.

Calm down everyone! Security guard Mahk, you are the biggest inspiration to people in Bahstahn, outside of Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. There’s nothing to see heah! Their stories check out like a sixah of Bud from a Price Choppah! They definitely ain’t spies, and the Patriots are definitely the greatest team in history. NO ONE IS SAYING OTHAHWISE!

This is as clear cut as the brilli Oceans 11, which the three of us definitely didn’t watch last night.

The reporter then removed a USB drive from Shanahan’s laptop, and all three ran out of the media room screaming “Yankees suck!”

Now that Shanahan’s laptop has been found safe and sound, there’s no need to worry about the Patriots doing anything questionable this week.