Dan Quinn was running out of options. He had gotten through his first major hurdle and brought the Atlanta Falcons to the playoffs. Playoffs and a first round bye. The fans were happy, but Quinn wasn’t.
Thanks to a mysterious being that lives underneath the Atlanta Falcons, Quinn has been left with only two options: kick the team’s weakest link into the ancient bird’s pit of fire, or enrage it and have the bird’s mystical powers force losses.
Quinn told fans he would bring them a Super Bowl, and he’s giving everything he’s got to give. Countless hours watching film. Working with undrafted free agents on hand placement. Kicking friends and coworkers into a pit of fire while a vengeful demigod screeches in laughter.
Quinn can’t even close his eyes without seeing the bird. Other things just aren’t right. Freddie Falcon has been following him around. He stopped shaving his head months ago but nothing grows. Every time he goes to his car, it’s covered in hundreds of falcons that never break eye contact with Quinn. He might be cursed.
Maybe he has a third option. Quinn could go directly to the source of all of this nonsense. Save his best players for the playoffs. And Ricardo Allen sure has been jumpy after getting sacrificed multiple times.
Quinn pulls out his phone and sends a few messages.
“Sorry it took so long to get your message, DQ. I get terrible reception at the Falcoholic headquarters, mainly because it’s in my mom’s basement.”
“No problem. I’d love to give you a tour of our awesome indoor facility. Ignore the fire and Richard Smith’s bones and that weird smell of sulfur and sound of a 42-foot tall bird demanding a blood sacrifice.”
“En ole edes amerikkalainen. Mikä hätänä kanssa?”
Both myself and graphics guy Terenius are going into the pit of fire. Terenius is an avid Heath Evans supporter, predicted the Falcons would have 7 wins, makes the worst photoshops every week, and I’m not even joking here, he lives in Europe or something. That’s nuts, folks.
I think I had the Falcons at 6 wins. That’s pretty far off, but I should probably be sacrificed for this “Shanahan is a QB killer” that proved to be
temporarily incorrect not as correct as possible wrong. Whoops. I did not see Atlanta’s prolific offense happening. The change has been dramatic, and I gotta say I was super wrong. I was starting to question Quinn after his decision to keep Shanahan, but Quinn was right. He’s had the right personality to make this team a winner, and we’ve seen countless rookies and undrafted players step up as contributors.
What else have I been getting wrong? I questioned moving Raheem Morris to wide receiver coach, only to see Atlanta’s wide receivers look deeper than I can ever remember seeing it. How did that happen? I advocated for Ben Jones over Alex Mack because he’d be half the cost. Jones had a very good year, but Mack was able to step in and be a difference maker from game one. He gets an honorable mention here.
Where was I right but it made everyone mad? Well, this isn’t really the time for that. Who wins the weekly award? Atlanta’s very own MVP.
Thanks to Matt Ryan for a great regular season.