Pre-Super Bowl sacrifice: the lake of fire burns for good luck

Dan Quinn now knows that all too well. He’s made a sacrifice every week to the maniacal bird god every week this season. No one can say he didn’t give this season everything he’s got.

Two short years ago he found it odd Arthur Blank and Thomas Dimitroff asked repeatedly if he would do anything to win. Then demanded it in writing. Then asked if he could keep a deep, dark, all consuming secret.

That should have tipped him off. The Jets just asked about football. Rich McKay asked Quinn if he subscribed the teachings of the ancient Egyptian deity Horus. “Does Todd Bowles have to sacrifice players to an omnipotent plane?” Quinn thought for way too long if that was even possible. After each sacrifice, can Bowles use the jet? That feels unfair to Quinn, because he has not been allowed to ride the giant metal bird.

“Maybe it’s even because he’s stuck with Ryan Fitzpatrick,” thinks Quinn to himself. The bird was quick to take charge. It squawked mottos that paid tribute to its own blood thirsty ways. Soon Quinn was saying “fired up” every other sentence as an homage to the lake of fire. As a nod to the bird’s bloodlust, Quinn had to start telling everyone to “arrive violently.”

Quinn made it to the big dance, and he had one more sacrifice left for the season. He tried to get Tom Brady out to Flowery Branch as a sacrifice, but his texts went unanswered and calls went directly to voicemail. “Must have broken this phone, too,” Quinn muttered to himself, wondering why the New England Patriots were under investigation yet again.

Quinn knows it has to be someone on his staff. When he kicked in the refs, or even former head coach Mike Smith, the results were poor. He went back to the game film. Every player had a stellar game. But one put in a terrible performance on one, single, solitary play.

“This is the least fast and physical play I’ve seen all year,” says Quinn, as he sends a text to one of his players.

Alford had a great game, but look at this JV level flop.

That’s your effort in the NFC Championship game? Gotta arrive violently on the sidelines just like you do on the field. For his play on the field, Alford, and the rest of the secondary, earned the week’s MVP award because we just can’t give it to Matt Ryan and Julio Jones every week.

Here’s my notes on the Legion of Boom Jr.

No one would have said two months ago that the secondary could become a strength without Desmond Trufant, but the young players have come together and created an intimidating group. They will have a tougher task with New England’s healthy wide receivers, but these guys can hit and make plays.