Dan Quinn appeases the falcon deity with another sacrifice

Quinn was breaking down film in his office. He was watching the breakdown of the Falcons triumphant win over the struggling 49ers. Rewind. Replay. Writes down notes. He moved to film on Carolina Panthers. Picking up tendencies on Cam Newton and their struggling offense.

The rings underneath his eyes grew deeper. His notes were now over 100 pages, and went from distressed English handwriting to something that may be Latin interspersed between ancient hieroglyphs.

Quinn blinks repeatedly and realizes he’s been breaking down film of historical bird gods. He’s so surprised he coughs for what feels like hours. He thinks he coughed up a mixture of black bile and smoke, but is too preoccupied realizing the windows are dark.

“What time is it,” he thinks to himself. Quinn rubs his eyes before realizing he doesn’t know what day it is. When did he last eat? He can’t remember when that last happened. Days? Weeks? Maybe months.

It was never like this in Seattle. Pete Carroll never had to sacrifice players and coaches to an evil, blood-thirsty bird god. Carroll was definitely never cursed, slowly fading away throughout the season thanks to this falcon living in Flowery Branch’s indoor training facility. Carroll was able to sleep, and didn’t see a bright pool of fire every time he closed his eyes at night.

But Quinn was brought to Atlanta to win. He had the perfect game plan to build a franchise. No stones were left unturned. Player development. Scheme changes. Appeasing the bird god with a blood sacrifice.

The Falcons were 9-5. Third place in the NFC. It was all worth it. He was able to deliver to Atlanta his promise. A winning franchise. But he needs to deliver the all-knowing, all-powerful another sacrifice. If not, Quinn worries the Falcons will collapse and this will all be for nothing.

Quinn sends a quick text: “I’ve got a fast and physical workout for you in the indoor facility. Tell know one loljk but seriously don’t mention this to anyone.”

“Hey Sanu, catch this kick!” Sanu, of course, did not catch this kick, but instead tripped and fell into the lake of fire, rending him as useless as a normal game day.

The $32.5 million man got a rare opportunity: playing as Atlanta’s #1 wide receiver with Julio Jones out. He came in third in receptions, well below Aldrick Robinson, and even Taylor Gabriel who only played part of the game.

We’ve seen this before. Sanu has had a few big games, but they are otherwise few and far between. He’s frequently outperformed by running backs and tight ends, and was again outperformed by a number of much, much, much cheaper players.

If he’s missing from the game, do you really notice? After being sent to the falcon pit, we might find out!

Every week we award a game ball, and this week is Matt Ryan. With this performance against the 49ers, Ryan solidifies his name in the MVP race.

Another effective game from Ryan, who is putting up monumental stats.