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Wheel Of Dimitroff: Will The Falcons GM Stay Or Go?

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At this point, who really knows? Let's play a game and find out.

Brett Davis-USA TODAY Sports

It's been over a week since the Falcons parted ways with Mike Smith on "Black Monday" and general manager Thomas Dimitroff's job status surprisingly remains, uh... uncertain.

Will he still be the GM when Atlanta hires its next head coach? Who knows! Dimitroff doesn't, that's for sure. But hey, I'm sure there won't be any conflict of interest when he weighs in on the next coaching hire or begins scoping out the free agent market.

We here at The Falcoholic are a bit more concerned when it comes to the Comrade, so we've devised a little game of chance that should help us determine what will actually happen to Atlanta's GM of the last seven seasons. Because it's not like Arthur Blank is going to stop by in his million-dollar Falconcopter to tell us.

So, without further ado, it's time to play: Wheel. Of. Dimitroff. (MS Paint edition!)



Fed up with the cutthroat nature of working in the NFL, Thomas Dimitroff retires to the woods of rural Washington state to open a sole proprietorship by the name of Comrade's Bike Emporium, where he sells only the finest hand-crafted wooden bicycles.

Dimitroff initially finds moderate commercial success despite the shop's remote location, and it is a joyous time as he spends most of his days happily riding the trails with friends, soaking up the wonders of rural American life, and... like, hey man, what's that smell? And why is your shop covered in Cheetos crumbs?

Ah, but good things rarely last, and before long the business' lack of defense against the natural elements and the local bear population force its closure. Last we heard, the former bike shop owner was training wolves in northern Idaho.


"I'm coming home," he pens in a special essay run by Sports Illustrated.

In a move that both shocks the sports world and sends one long-suffering fan base into fits of joy, Thomas Dimitroff returns to where it all began to finish what he started. That's right: He's leaving the south and returning to Cleveland, where he was first a member of the Browns grounds crew, to win the grass-growing championship he promised fans all those years ago. And to make matters more promising, Scott Pioli follows Dimitroff to Cleveland as his assistant groundskeeper specialist, where his only job is to check for any potential inconsistencies or dangers in the structure of the field.

The frozen grass and permafrost at FirstEnergy Stadium has never looked neater until one fateful day, when a scrambling Johnny Manziel gets his foot caught in a large divot and tears his ACL on the way down. Pioli blames Dimitroff, who is fired. Pioli becomes the Browns GM.


We've spent so long looking outside of Flowery Branch for a new coach that we didn't realize the answer was under our noses the whole time. Despite having zero coaching experience in the NFL, the great and wise search firm Korn Ferry determines that Dimitroff is best-suited to succeed Mike Smith as head coach of the Falcons. Dimitroff promptly decides to retain himself as GM. Josh McDaniels becomes offensive coordinator, Tom Brady retires to become the quarterbacks coach and Dimitroff trades for Julian Edelman. The team's Flowery Branch address is changed to 1 Patriot Way.

With no head coach to keep his tendencies in check, Dimitroff dooms the team to another sub-.500 finish in 2015 by drafting another five undersized cornerbacks. Somehow, he goes on to win three Superbowls in the following four seasons.


Tired of poor front office decisions when it comes to free agency and the draft, Arthur Blank makes the tough call and fires Dimitroff. Soon after, new head coach Rex Ryan is forced to willingly chooses Blank as the next GM.

Ryan guides the Falcons to a 4-12 finish in his first season. Depressed and questioning whether he should even continue to coach, Ryan uses all of the free Home Depot equipment he has recently acquired to build a treehouse in his backyard. Despite much coaxing from Blank, Ryan refuses to come out of the tree and hijinks ensue.


After much plight from head coach Rex Ryan, who hears the feet are "like way better looking, bro" out in California, Arthur Blank relocates the team to Los Angeles and changes the team mascot. Dimitroff wanders into Compton one day, has an ephiphany and soon after leaves football to pursue a rap career under the stage name DJ Tommy D.

The Los Angeles Smog Alerts finish an underwhelming 7-9 after Julio Jones breaks both of his legs in a car accident on the crowded L.A. interstate.


Where do you think Dimitroff ends up, Falcons fans? Will he stick around Flowery Branch?