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Dimitroff: "Bosher's our new free safety ..."

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Fact: Matt Bosher likes his eggs birthed, matured, killed, defeathered, butchered, coated in flour, and heated in 350 degree oil

Christopher Hanewinckel-US PRESSWIRE

In a move that will shock few and anger no one, Falcons General manager Thomas Dimitroff finally revealed the Falcons' plans for filling Thomas DeCoud's vacancy in 2014. "DeCoud's replacement has been on the team for years!" Dimitroff declared excitedly in a mid-afternoon press conference.

"We firmly believe Bosher has what it takes; he hits, he's got all kinds of football smarts, and let's be honest, he's gotta be better that DeCoud." Dimitroff then discussed how the Falcons will transition Bosher to free safety. "You see," Dimitroff said softly, deliberating drawing in the one bowtied reporter present for the press conference, "Bosher's not just a punter, he's a football player - we like versatility in our guys."

Bosher was apparently tabbed for free safety after DeCoud missed his 1,297th career tackle. And, just as many suspected, Dimitroff simply didn't like DeCoud as a person. "I remember one incident in particular. We were walking down the same hallway at Flowery Branch, and he meowed at me, ya know, like a cat." The Falcons see Bosher as a non-controversial, convenient replacement. "To our knowledge, there are no suggestive pictures of Matt in his college uniform, and we like that."

Asked why the Falcons didn't pursue a big name in free agency, Dimitroff simply replied, "Because I am what I am ..." Then, for reasons unknown, he pulled out a can of spinach, tore it in half with his bare hands, and flexed his freshly tattooed bicep.

This article is satire. All quotes are fictional. Matt Bosher's toughness is no laughing matter.