We are still mired in the NFL offseason.
That means there is very little actual football happening. As such, you will notice the many different quarterback rankings, tiered fantasy previews and other such lists that continually appear during these summer months.
You may have even seen the rankings produced by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution in recent days, which name the top 25 players in the Falcons organization and have Mike Johnson listed higher than Peter Konz (obviously - I mean, just look at all of Johnson's tape and game experience).
But while we here at The Falcoholic respect Mr. Ledbetter and his rankings, we believe in a very different approach when it comes to accurately quantifying large men that tackle each other on a football field. And this is how the ULTIMATE Atlanta Falcons Power Rankings were born. The criteria:
1) Does the player have IT? Never mind what IT is - does he have it, or does he not? It's usually obvious.
2) How many Superbowl rings does he have on display at home or in his pocket?
3) I am infallible, and the placement of any player on this list may not be argued by anyone ever.
And so, adhering to the words of
Wheelchair Jimmy Drake, we're gonna start from the bottom and work our way up through these very serious power rankings:
No. Dead Last - QB Matt Ryan
First off, examine Ryan's hands. One thing you'll notice about his very finely manicured fingers is that there are NO RINGS on them. Well, maybe a wedding ring. But we don't care about those because these are POWER rankings and marriage is all about relinquishing power to someone else. Boo!
Also, he drives a Ford pickup truck on game day - a very clear sign that he does not possess IT. At least follow Roddy White's example and go for the Spanish Gold Chrysler 300C.
Lastly, Ryan is just boring. No high-profile relationships. No criminal activity. Not even an entertaining Buick commercial. And his nickname "Matty Ice" is associated with quite literally the worst beer ever concocted on this Earth. I can only imagine cases upon cases of the stuff taking up entire rooms in the Ryan home.
Winning is fine, but it's nothing without all that other stuff. It's like eating ice cream cake without the ice cream. Which Ryan is most certainly doing right now.
No. Next To Dead Last - TE Tony Gonzalez
Gonzalez gets points for being a tight end and not committing murder... yet.
At the same time, he's like 37 years old. He's washed up and now tiptoeing on Brett Favre territory as far as retirement decisions go. Is it 95% or 100%? Or maybe just 97.5%? Hopefully Gonzalez or his agent at least got all of those emails I sent telling him "DON'T TEXT THAT CUTE SIDELINE REPORTER PICTURES OF YOUR JUNK."
And if Gonzalez is really as good as everyone says he is, why did it take him 14 years to even win a playoff game? Checkmate, Gonzo fans.
No. 39 - RB Steven Jackson
Jackson has played almost his entire pro career as a member of the St. Louis Rams, a very strong repellent of anything IT-related. No Superbowls to his name, either. And what I wanna know is: how can you fail to win a championship with Marc Bulger as your starting quarterback? Seems pretty difficult.
No. 10 - C Joe Hawley
Like Mike Johnson, Hawley is clearly superior to Peter Konz. And if Smitty is worth his weight in silver hair, then Hawley will be the team's starting center this fall.
What, you think the Falcons drafted arguably the best center in the 2012 rookie class with the idea that he would actually play center? Good one.
No. 5 - LB Joplo Bartu
Bartu may or may not be from this planet. I also cannot guarantee that he is even real, because there is a strong chance he is a character from one of those J.K. Rowling wizarding-thingy books (apologies in advance, but I don't read anything besides POWER rankings because I'm a man).
But if Bartu was real, he definitely just used the mind-control spell and forced me to rank him highly on this list.
10 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR.
No. 4 - DT Peria Jerry
His name is Peria, therefore he obviously has IT. I advocate we use a first-round pick on him!
We already did, you say? Awesome. Nothing but smooth sailing ahead here, yezzir.
No. 3 - OL Phillipkeith Manley, now down to 500 pounds this offseason
"ME CRUSH, ME SMASH," says Manley.
Indeed. In just a short time with the team, Manley has shown that he has what it takes to get bigger and probably stronger than everyone else in the league. That's dedication.
Wait... it appears that we may have misread a text, and that Manley is in fact not 500 pounds. Awkward. Well, let's just pretend this whole bit never happened.
No. 2 - OL Mike Johnson
With all due respect, Johnson's No. 20 AJC ranking was a slap in the face to all he has accomplished during his illustrious pro career. How could we forget the countless instances that involved Johnson putting the team on his back and singlehandedly winning the game for Atlanta?
There are so many times he did that, I don't even remember any of them. That's staying power, and that is IT.
Some say that 2013 could be a breakout year for Johnson. We say Johnson's meteoric rise to Anthony Munoz status is nothing short of an absolute inevitability.
No. 1 - TE Chase Coffman
You might say Coffman is one of the best tight ends in the league.
Well, you're wrong: he is THE best. He's younger than Gonzalez. He also made a really sick catch that one time. That's pretty much it.
Oh, and he was a third-round pick a few years back. That has to count for something. No. 1 it is!
**Disclaimer: If it wasn't obvious, these rankings are not serious in the slightest.**