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Sign of the Apocalypse: Falcons Draft a Tight End

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Fact: what follows is a completely satire-filled, nonsensical joke; if you take it seriously, then whatever you say in response will be one of the most insanely idiotic things anyone has ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response will you even be close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this thread will be dumber for having read it. I will award you no points, and may Visnu have mercy on your soul.

Casey Sapio-USA TODAY Sports

I was never a believer in the Mayan calendar. And wouldn't you know it? The world didn't end. Put aside that the Mayans didn't even believe the world would end, y'all were scared. I was scared. We were scared. Just admit it. Almost as scared as you are of drafting a tight end in the first round.

Make no mistake, it'd be a world-changing event of epic proportions. We'd miss out on a can't-miss-corner who'd surely replicate Brent Grimes' production after only 8 days in the league. Or [insert gasping noise] we'd miss out on a defensive end who may or may not be Jamaal Anderson!

Truth be told, this conversation always comes back to two men: Tyler Eifert and Chase Coffman. You have to give it to the Coffman supporters, they see something in the Missouri product, something the oft-maligned Bengals just couldn't see. Something the Falcons themselves couldn't see when they initially cut Coffman in favor of Michael "The Second Coming of Gronkowski" Palmer. It's beyond explanation really. Given Coffman's production as an injured and/or practice squad player for the Bengals as well as his brief stint with the tight end stacked Buccaneers, our luck in signing him just boggles the mind. Mind. Officially. Blown.

There's just no reason we should even consider drafting a tight end in the first round. It'd be pure insanity, just like it was pure insanity to pass on Glenn Dorsey in favor of Matt "Luke Warm" Ryan. Sure, Dimitroff has made it very clear he'd consider the option, but what does he know? After all, we're the internet surfing, lactaid-free milk drinking masses. We may work conventional 9-5 jobs, but we know football darnit! They can get paid to watch film and be experts all they want, they're second guessable at every turn. We know Coffman's two career catches as a Falcon - one where he had to reach really really really far - mean something. We know the rest of the league is in for a rude surprise when Coffman picks up right when Tony Gonzalez will eventually leave off.

Simply stated, the Falcons have been hiding Coffman from the rest of the league. He's like that fun sized Snickers you hide in the back of the freezer. You could eat him now, but you won't, you'll wait until you literally have no other choice. You'll wait because you know that college production has to translate into professional success. After all, when doesn't it?!

[insert visual of me throwing up a peace sign] James Rael out!