clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Falcons Fanbase versus Michael Turner

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

Fact: this post is absurd - we hope you enjoy it!
Fact: this post is absurd - we hope you enjoy it!

Judge Rael: Welcome back. We hope you enjoyed lunch - Popeye's chicken and biscuits always leaves me satisfied. Again, I'm Judge Rael, and I want to thank you for your service as jurors. Without you, the justice system wouldn't tick. It'd be like a clock that doesn't tick. And that'd be one stupid clock. I'd throw that clock away, or give it to charity.

In any case, before we took our lunch break, the defendant was testifying. It's now the prosecutor's turn to ask him some questions. We call this cross examination. And juror number 6, we did notice you nodding off earlier. Please don't drool on juror number 5, he's diabetic. As a reminder, this case was filed by the Falcons Fanbase. They are claiming that Turner is a talentless hack.

Go ahead counsel.

Prosecutor: Thank you judge. You say your career isn't in decline?

Turner: Well, I am 30, but to answer your question, I don't think "in decline" is the right way to articulate where I'm at. I mean, I'm only costing the team 7.5 million this year. Foster, Jones-Drew, Peterson, Forte, and Rice all represent larger cap hits.

Prosecutor: Let's back up a bit - you're averaging 2.6 yards a carry this year, right?

Turner: Right, but that's Pat Hill's fault!

Prosecutor: Answer the question sir - you're averaging 2.6 yards a carry?

Turner: [insert stare of death] Yes

Prosecutor: And you've only scored one touchdown?

Turner: True

Prosecutor: And that one touchdown, it was a one yard run?

Turner: I believe so

Prosecutor: And your exhibition season numbers, they were pretty bad, huh?

Turner: Look, you're putting words in my mouth, I don't have to take this!

Prosecutor: Sir, no one is putting words in your mouth, please just answer the question - if your exhibition season were an elderly cow, would you put it out to pasture?

Turner: I do enjoy a good cheeseburger.

Prosecutor: No more questions

Judge Rael [to Turner's defense attorney]: Any redirect counsel?

Defense Attorney: Just briefly sir, and may I say, your choice in pocket squares is just fantastic.

Judge Rael: Well thank you counsel, that's very kind.

Defense Attorney: Now Michael, the prosecutor asked you some questions about what you contribute to this team. How'd your 2011 campaign go?

Turner: I rushed for 1,340 yards. Only two running backs outrushed me - MJD and Ray Rice. And I had 301 rushing attempts.

Defense Attorney: How many yards a carry?

Turner: 4.5. Better than Foster.

Defense Attorney: 4.5? Wow! Describe a typical day in your life.

Turner: Alarm goes off at 5. Roll out of bed, or off the jail cot, depending on the day. Stretching and yoga. Chug 12 raw eggs. 40 yard dash. Then I squeeze in a nap.

Defense Attorney: Hmmm

Turner: [insert puzzled look]

Defense Attorney: Let's talk about something else - break many tackles in 2011?

Turner: Sure did. My elusive rating was the third best in the league, caused 62 missed tackles - best in the league! - and earned 900 yards after contact, also best in the league.

Defense Attorney: What's your shoe size?

Prosecutor: Objection! Calls for speculation. The witness can't even reach his feet. Have you seen those thighs?!

Defense Attorney: Erroneous! Erroneous on all accounts!

Judge Rael: Sustained. And bailiff, get me a latte. Immediately!

Defense Attorney: OK, I'll move on. How's your pass blocking?

Turner: Pretty good. In 2011, I was literally second to one. My pass blocking efficiency was 99 percent. In 72 plays where I pass blocked, I was responsible for pressure once. They contemplated putting me at left tackle.

Defense Attorney: Admittedly you're kinda stocky. Ever rush for big gains?

Turner: Last year I had 11 rushes of 20 or more yards; only Forte (12) and Gore (14) had more. I had 4 rushes of 40 or more yards; only Ray Rice (5) had more.

Defense Attorney: Can you catch the ball?

Turner: Sure! Especially when I pretend it's a hot dog. But in all seriousness, I did pull in 17 passes in 2011. Averaged 9.9 yards per reception.

Defense Attorney: Last question - why would you drive 95 in a 65 after sipping the sauce!

Turner: If the glove don't fit, then you must acquit!

Defense Attorney: What glove?

Turner: Ummm nevermind