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C'mon You Guys, Let's Trade For Maurice Jones-Drew

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Okay. Listen. You guys know Maurice Jones-Drew, right? So he's like, totally unhappy in Jacksonville. I know this because he hasn't reported to Jaguars camp yet, and Mike Mularkey's all like whatever. But you know he's hurting inside.

So here's my proposition: Let's trade for Maurice Jones-Drew. Seriously, let's do it. It's time for this football team to stop pussyfooting around with this whole idea of passing for a lot of yards. I'm not sure Matt Ryan's arm is even attached to his body, given his totally lame deep ball passing ability. Also, Michael Turner? More like Bicycle Learner. Because he's lame.

Trading our first round picks for the next three seasons to pick up Maurice Jones-Drew would solve all of the Falcons' problems. Need a quick yard? MJD can do that, and he'll only cost the team a hojillion dollars and a dozen draft picks. Want a pass-catching back? MJD can do that, and then you don't have to waste time on those other backs on the roster. Shortage of towels in the locker room? MJD will buy them in bulk and personally deliver them to the Georgia Dome from the back of a unicorn, unlike whatever buttmunch is running the facilities right now.

Some people will try to tell you that running backs are the most fungible assets in the NFL, and haven't we wasted enough time pining for players who will never come to Atlanta because they're ridiculous pipe dreams/old as the hills/have literally peed on their teammates? Well, shut up, losers. You can't spell fungible without fun, can you?

It's time we stopped pretending that a brand new coaching staff paired with a promising team is going to be enough to get these Falcons to the playoffs. Clearly, the answer is a different running back than the guy who has helped the Falcons win dozens of games and run for thousands of yards. It's his fault they haven't been Super Bowl champions by now, and MJD will arrive to an angelic fanfare and a ray from heaven itself to deliver us unto the promised land. Totally.

C'mon, you guys.*

*Completely unnecessary and unfunny post mocking unrealistic dreams? Yes. But you knew it was going to come up. Better to ruin it for everyone right now.