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Falcons-Bucs Recap: This "Team" Is A Disgrace

Not entirely sure there weren't 5 of these dudes playing on our O-line yesterday.
Not entirely sure there weren't 5 of these dudes playing on our O-line yesterday.

Once again, this team has gotten our hopes up, only to let us down. As seems to be the norm around these parts.

That's all I'm saying before the jump. 1000+ words of team roast comes afterwards. Jump with me.

If the title is any indication, I'm pissed, as I'm sure many of you are.

I sincerely hope every single member of that football team from Arthur Blank down to the person that spit shines Matt Ryan's shoes is embarrassed to call themselves a Falcon.

For months since April, all we have heard is explosive this, explosive that, yet our offense could be more akin to an M-80 than a stick of dynamite.

Listen, I want this team to be successful more than anything, but for all the wins we've accrued in the past three years, this is supposed to be the year where we look like we're worth a crap, and you know what? We have been worth a crap. A literal, flaming, stinky pile of crap. I thought we could use the Eagles game as a jumping point to get the real Falcons going, but to this point, I don't even know what Falcons football is anymore. If this is Falcons football, I don't want to know how this season is going to end up. We could very well lose to Cam Newton and the Panthers.

As infuriated as I am over the total lack of brain matter used by the defense on the 4th and 1 (has a team ever lost a game to being drawn offsides at the end of a game before now?) you can't blame them for the loss. They held a Bucs offense to just 16 points and caused turnovers when they were needed.

That said, they were still freaking terrible. I don't care if LG (not going to try to spell it) Blount is the size of Jared Lorenzen, you're all damn professional football players. There should not be a single running back who can single-handedly out-man one of your LBs. Now when he runs through 5 or 6 of you? That's just sorry. Sorry, and certainly not something you'd expect out of a good defense, and we've been witnessing it for the better part of....a long time.

And how.....HOW?! can you get drawn offsides at the end of the game like that? Freeman was trying to quiet the crowd down. Want to guess why? That's right! SO YOU'D HEAR HIS SNAP COUNT.

Every single fan, I don't care how optimistic you are, should be disappointed at the very least in this team. We really, honestly believed we'd get to see some fireworks from the "much improved" offense this year, and the only person that has seen fireworks has been Matt Ryan because he's been hit so many times. Heck, his brain's probably broken by now, with all the pinballing it's done in his head.

Freak me sideways, I'm mad. Here we go:

The Less Bad:

Everyone on the offense under 265 pounds except for Turner, you get a small sliver of a pass. I'm including Gonzo in the pass.

Matt Bryant, you're the only Falcon who isn't in preseason mode still. Bless you.

The defense, for most of the game, you were pretty solid, except for, you know, most of the time, when you gave up easy first downs to Mike Williams.

The Bad:

Nothing goes here, you know why? Because nothing deserves to be in this category, because most of it belongs in...

The Extra Bad:

Half of Matt Ryan's passes. I know it's a whole different animal when you're on the field, but you had some people open that you decided not to look at. You'll quickly become lost in the "Great QB" conversation if you keep this up.

Roddy White's Hands that one time: Say what you want, but I think that cost us the game. Our All-Pro WR dropped such an easy, open TD, that we deserved to lose if only because of that.

Our luck: Seriously, was anyone thinking we'd win after that stupid tipped into another receiver's hands crap that TB pulled? (I was, for a brief period, if that helps) That reminded me of The Helmet Catch, where a crucial moment in the game is decided by a ludicrous play.

For all of the free passes I gave our receivers, where the heck were you most of the game? I've watched so many NFL games already this year, and  I swear all the good teams find ways to get their receivers wide the freak open on 3rd and long, but we seem to rely on "How can I make my fans' hearts attack this time" plays, which don't cut it. Maybe that's just because our D likes to give up 3rd and long plays.

The offensive game plan: For as good as it was last week, we sure didn't know what to do this week. And boy, that D of theirs thought they were the absolute shiz, too. They should be thankful we played like a high school team.

Matt Bosher: Get this kid out of here. I don't care how many touchbacks he had, his punting is horrendous. I don't even know who we'd bring in, but this is just sad. And to think, we drafted him. I bet he feels like an idiot, now. Draft pick playing his butt off to make the team, only to look like a total pail of suck once he made the actual team.

And that's all for now.

Wait, no it's not, I forgot one very important detail.

The Ultimate Suckwagon Failure McFailwagon Bucket of Ultimate Fail Bad:

Offensive line, I don't know how much booze you consumed this week, but for the love of the word love, you were so abysmally terrible. The lot of you aren't new to this league, and you let a bunch of young pups beat you down. They embarrassed you, and what's better, our pass rush hardly got to their QB, and our rush is supposed to be good! Just imagine how dumb you should feel for being Swiss Fail Cheese to a pass rush whose average age is like 14 and is fresh out of college. Embarrassed yet? You should be. You were disgraceful, and your superstar QB you're paid to "protect" is going to be murdered and the 5 of you will be the ones going to trial for negligence.

Paul Boudreau is one of the best OL coaches in the business (or so they say) and if you guys are still failing despite his coaching, you must be freaking terrible. And before anyone says anything, if I was 6'7" 320, my ass would be in Flower Branch tomorrow waiting for a job interview.

Alright, I'm done roasting the team. I think 1100 words of roast is enough for now.

One thing that makes being a fan so difficult is how truly helpless we are. We're at the mercy of other peoples' decisions and, in some cases, believe we can do better ourselves. Unfortunately, there's not a single thing any of us can do, so we're still watching sometimes-inferior football, despite believing the team should be better than that in every way, but ultimately proves some of the most negative of us right in that we just can't seem to play like a legitimate team. And that might hurt the most. We want this team to be good. We want this team to show the whole world that we belong, but through 3 games, we've shown we belong in a truly miserable place.

Our single win may not have even occurred had Vick's head not exploded, so really, we're close to being 4th in our division. We're tied with the Panthers right now. A 13 team a year ago tied with a 2 win team from a year ago. We have every reason to be upset. Next week will be the quarter-mark of the season, and while I certainly expect us to beat the Seahawks, this team hasn't shown me anything that would suggest we can win an away game against even an average team. We tend to always win at home, but there are only 8 home games in the season, and 8-8 won't get us into the playoffs. Too bad we're not still in the NFCW.

Don't get me wrong, for all the angry roasting I've done, I really, truly hope this team gets its act together and starts playing like they care, but until this team goes out and proves to me that they can play like a championship team against a championship caliber opponent, I'm not going to believe they can do it. I've had my hopes dashed one too many times by sorry performances from a team I've come to expect good things from. Veterans like Abe and Gonzalez deserve better, and in Gonzo's case, his intentions for coming here could go completely unfulfilled, and that, my friends, would be a real disgrace.

Alright, I'm done. 1,500 words of mad. I don't think I'll ever be this mad at this team ever again, so consider this a milestone in my life.

In any case, the rest of my usual recap.

MVP: Matt Bryant, All-Universe Kicker. You're the man.

Image of the Game: My brain doing this for most of the game: This, rather. I can't help but laugh at that picture.

In A Word: Failure.

Next week, the Seahawks. We'd better win by 65.