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The Falcons Are Clearly A Jar of Almonds

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THESE are the looks of terror you see when you tell them they have to face the Atlanta Almonds.
THESE are the looks of terror you see when you tell them they have to face the Atlanta Almonds.

Here you go, Dave.

That's right, folks. The Falcons are a obviously a jar of almonds. If you haven't been watching this team this team this year you wouldn't have recognized it. The Atlanta Almonds has a nice ring to it with that double letter acronym. AA. Just like that genius Mike Mularkey (MM).

Tall, Skinny Almond

Matt Ryan is the Almondback (AB). He tries so hard to be like all the other almonds, but he's just so skinny and tall he has a hard time delivering an accurate deep almond. We've suggested to him he pound the almond some more, but at the request of Mike Mularkey, we've gone to an Air Almond Attack (AAA).

Beast Mode Almond

Michael Turner is the team's number one Running Almond (RA). He doesn't exactly have legs (he's an almond) but this guy rolls with the best of him. He's particularly round so he rolls with ease up the field. He does not agree with the AAA, and would rather we pound his almond in between the Offensive Almonds (OA) all game long. He averages 82,000 palms (biblical unit of distance) per game, but unfortunately his numbers are a bit down from last year. Running Almonds don't age very well, and Turner has broken through the Almond Age Barrier of 2 as of yesterday. He's probably well on his way to being eaten.

Golden Almond

Recent acquisition $$$$$ Bryant is the world's best Place Almond (PA). The National Almond League (NAL) rules don't have a spot for a Place Almond, really, but he kicks himself through the uprights and demands his team be awarded three almonds. Because he is the lone existing golden almond, people usually cave in to his almonds.

Almonds Don't Have Hands, But Would Catch More Footballs

You guessed correctly, our Wide Almond (WA) corps is one of the best in the league. If an almond is thrown anywhere near them, they do not drop it, instead it is magnetically drawn towards them because they're the best almonds around, enhanced with Almond Uranium (AU), something that is banned, but we're not telling anyone, k?

That One Almond You Really Want To Get Out Of The Container, But You Can't Because It + Your Fingers Won't Fit Through The Hole In The Top Of The Container Because Whoever Designed The Container Is A Moron

That's right, folks, Corey Peters is our Run-Stuffing Almond Tackle (AT). If the opponent wants to pound the almond, they can't because Corey Peters plugs up the hole and he + anything else can't fit through the hole, therefore no almonds can be pounded. The hole Corey Peters plugs is allowing just 500 Palms Per Game (PPG, like the paint company) which is an Almond Record (AR).

And there you have it, Falcoholics, a short profile on the Almonds' Top Almonds (ATA) who have won 7 almonds and lost 5 almonds this year, which means they have two almonds left. Thankfully, they're not like the Indianapolis HorseAlmonds who currently have -12 almonds left, which means their team will be sucked into a black hole for Christmas. The Atlanta Almonds are on pace to make the Almond-offs this year, with an unfortunately slim chance of winning the Almond Bowl (AB). In any case...


Disclaimer: Nothing in this post is serious. That is all.