When last we heard from legendary Southern Miss carouser Brett Favre, Falcons GM Ken Herock had snookered the Packers into dealing a first-round pick for the backup second-year QB. Falcons head coach Jerry Glanville, who knows a thing or two about developing quarterbacks after being a defensive coordinator for 18 years, knew Favre would never be ready to take over for Pro Bowler Chris Miller.
In five dropbacks as a Falcon, Favre threw two picks and two incompletions and was sacked once for 11 yards. Some of his deficiencies as a passer may stem from the fact that he ran a wishbone option offense in high school, though the option likely honed his noteworthy decisiveness.
What's Favre been up to all these years? A timeline:
1992: Upon arriving in Wisconsin, Favre immediately plots a bar crawl from Madison to St. Paul followed by a riverboat gambling spree down the Mississippi and on to Cancun. Wide receiver Sterling Sharpe attempts to stop him, but [freak event involving Shannon Sharpe's accent happens]. While sailing past his hometown of Kiln, a raging Favre accidentally retires.
1993: Favre tries to announce his unretirement on the NFL Network, but the NFL Network doesn't exist yet and never will.
1994: A sober Favre returns to Southern Miss, hoping to earn a Master's degree in international studies.
1995: Favre is kicked out of Southern Miss after stealing a dump truck. He joins Michael Jordan as a member of the Chicago White Sox farm system, retiring from baseball once Jordan retires from baseball to unretire from basketball.
1997: Favre unretires from football and joins the Denver Broncos practice squad. Green Bay quarterback Randall Cunningham leads the Packers to their first playoff trip since 1982.
1998: The Broncos reach the Super Bowl, facing Favre's nemesis: the Falcons, coached by Jerry Glanville. The coincidence is mentioned twice in an Atlanta newspaper's daily public venting section. The night before the game, third-string Favre decides to hang out with Falcons safety Eugene Robinson, convincing Broncos quarterbacks John Elway and Bubby Brister to come along. All of South Beach burns to the ground by 2 A.M., and Favre is the only Broncos quarterback coherent enough to play. The Falcons win their first Super Bowl, with Ray Buchanan taking home MVP honors for his six interception effort.
1999: Favre retires to become mayor of Kiln.
2001: Mayor Favre unretires and joins the new XFL football league founded by WWE maniac Vince McMahon. Favre becomes a post-9/11 New York City hero after leading the New York Hitmen to three straight Million Dollar Game titles.
2004: After being named XFL commissioner for life and given an X-shaped key to Manhattan, Mayor Favre retires from football and from his mayorship of Kiln to run against New York mayor Rudy Giuliani. As New Yorkers can't understand a word he says, Favre wins. [Wranglers jeans joke.]
2005: Mayor Favre is awarded an honorary marine chemistry doctorate from Southern Miss. He considers retiring to become a marine chemist, leaving the entire industry in limbo for several weeks.
2007: Favre retires as New York City mayor to become a marine chemist, then unretires to take over as New York governor after Eliot Spitzer is caught betting against the New York Jetmen, a team spawned by the XFL/NFL merger.
2008: Governor Favre's popularity leads to him appearing as an unlockable Jetmen backup in EA Sports' Summerall 09, an XNFL videogame named after the announcing partner of former Raiders head coach John Madden, who went off the grid in 1997 with Peter King to seek the real America. Orlando Steelers All-X quarterback Kurt Kittner graces the cover of Summerall 09 for the second straight year.
2009: Governor Favre challenges Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura to a [really country-sounding athletic competition]. Favre wins and is crowned king of Minnesota. King Favre immediately installs himself as Twin City Maniax starting quarterback, throwing a critical interception in the eleventh inning of the XNFC $500,000 Game against the Las Vegas Saints.
2010: King Favre is offered a one-day contract to retire as a Georgia Falconbolt. For several weeks he considers instead signing a two-day contract to retire as a member of the Green Bay Packers, a traveling museum exhibit named after the only NFL to team to refuse the XFL merger. He signs with Georgia but retires after only serving 11 hours, hurrying to make it through the line for Heat season tickets. Miami police arrest King Favre for the 1998 disappearance of Bubby Brister.