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Why You Should Become a Falcons Fan

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Here we are, in the epic lull that is pre-draft month. Yes, I know you guys are on the "Spoon train" and it's driving Dave and I bananas. Thankfully, we make a fine banana split, so don't be discouraged. I bring you some brevity on this fine Sunday morn.

I now take this opportunity to address those of you who, for some unfathomable reason, do not squee like school children when Matt Ryan throws a touchdown, Michael Turner runs over two D linemen and a couple of D backs on his way to the promised land, or Kroy Biermann puts the fear of Duffburger in an unsuspecting quarterback. 

If you're still laboring over the illusion of fandom you currently attach to another, lesser NFL team, take a few moments out of your day to ponder the following points. If you find it necessary to convert to Dirty Bird nation, follow the jump, print off the Falcons Fan Pledge letter, and frame it on your wall.

Why YOU Should be a Falcons fan:

  • We have Matt Ryan. Sure, your team may have Manning 2: Electric Boogaloo, Manning 3: My God Not Another One, Fickle Favre, Big Bad Brady, Bankable Brees, or whatever QB the media loves to dote on, but your team doesn't have Matt Ryan. Matt Ryan has "it." Comrade Dimitroff said so. Matt Ryan has a cool nick name ("Matty Ice," like the beer!). Matt Ryan came back from turf toe after only two weeks. I'm pretty sure Matt Ryan once wrestled a bear.
  • Our starting running back has been compared to an Ent. Yes, his legs are that big. Michael Turner was backing up Mr. Lightning himself, and what happened to LT once The Burner became a Red and Black-clad Touchdown Vampire? That's right. He's with the Jets. Let us morn him.
  • One of our DEs can kickoff. Can your team's DE kickoff 60+ yards? Didn't think so.
  • Our Coach once tried to punchout MeAngelo Hall. All in the defense of one of his players. With a coach that loyal, who needs Belichick?
  • Our owner owns Home Depot. Ever wonder why our facilities are always so operationally sound? Bingo.
  • Our logo is cool. Face it, who doesn't like our logo? I mean, it's a falcon shaped like a F with all sorts of straight lines and a mean look. You know you love it.
  • Our uniforms kick butt. I don't care what you think of the color scheme, is there a better dressed NFL team out there? Didn't think so. The rest of the league is still trying to catch up.

If you're ready to accept the awesomeness that is being a Falcons fan, follow the jump for your Falcons Pledge letter.

Falcons Fan Pledge

To all that it may interest,

I, __________________________ , the undersigned, do hereby solemnly swear to devote myself to the Atlanta Falcons football team for the entirety of the remainder of my life. I humbly and willingly accept all responsibilities, duties, and rights befitting a member of the Falcons fandom, up to and including shouting at Saints, bashing the Bucs, and picking on the Panthers.

I will hitherto watch the 1998 NFC Championship game on, at the least, a monthly basis.

I shall embrace, laud, and think back fondly on, whether or not I was alive and/or cognizant of such things, the deeds of the following men: "Mr. Falcon," Rankin Smith Jr, "White Shoes," Claude Humphrey, Mike Kenn, Steve Bartkowski, Deion Sanders, Jamal Anderson, Tim Dwight, Chris Chandler, OJ Santiago, Warrick Dunn, Dan Reeves, and Arthur Blank.

I shall, from this moment henceforth, despise John Elway and the 1998 Denver Broncos.

I shall, in spite of my overall feelings on Brett Favre, forever see him as the "one who got away," and promise to take a moment during each season to ponder "what would have been."

I vow to never mention the name Bobby Petrino without following it with a hideous grimace, regardless of any affiliation I may have with the University of Arkansas.

I will, at least once in my remaining life on this earth, take a journey to the Georgia Dome.

All colors not corresponding or matching with Red, Black, and White shall be henceforth excised from my casual wardrobe.

At least once a year, I shall purchase: an official Atlanta Falcons hat, a replica Falcons jersey.

At least once every five years, I shall purchase: an authentic Falcons jersey.

At least once from this moment until my death, I shall purchase: a game ticket.

If I currently live in Georgia, or may live in Georgia one day, I shall attend: at least one minicamp, at least one game, at least one Training Camp practice.

If I ever find myself with the financial ability to do so, I shall: buy season tickets.

As in all things, I promise to be civil to my opponents, at least until the Falcons are more than seven points ahead.

I swear that I shall, in the event of a touchdown, sing "Here we go, Falcons" with aplomb, regardless of my current location.

And, finally, in the event the Falcons win the Super Bowl, I solemnly swear to break down and cry like a little girl, regardless of my current location.

I promise to adhere to the above from this moment forth. Should I ever waver in my love of the Atlanta Falcons, shall the looming shadow of The Great Nobis haunt me ‘till death finds me.

Signed,

_____________________________

This day, the _________ day of the month of ____________ , the year of ________.