Every now and then, an undrafted free agent comes out of nowhere and kicks ass at the NFL level. Like a Clint Eastwood western, they sweep into town from parts unknown, shoot it out with the locals and become a hero, and we all cheer like hell. After all, who doesn't love the underdog?
With that in mind, I'm continuing my tradition of making up finding factual histories of each of the seven undrafted guys the Falcons signed. Kudos to the Official Site for this one.
LB Isaac Brown, Central Michigan: He wasn't born to be a linebacker, this Isaac Brown. The son of a blacksmith and a successful country musician, Brown used to pound out plowshares while singin' about how his baby drove away on his tractor. When a terrifying monster rose from one of the many lakes in Michigan, Brown tackled the serpent--and tackled the hearts of his home state.
P Jimmie Kaylor, Colorado State: Kaylor is actually a lifelike, unfeeling android. When a recruiter noticed him dropkicking neighborhood children over Interstate 70, Kaylor had the opportunity to find his place in a world filled with humans--but could he find true love?
CB Glenn Sharpe, Miami: Sharpe actually won the Brian Piccolo Award for his return from ACL surgery. What they didn't tell you was that Sharpe suffered this injury while saving people and furniture from a burning building, ala Jose Canseco in "Homer at the Bat."
FS D.J. Wolfe, Oklahoma: As you might expect from a man named D.J. Wolfe, this hard-hitting free safety moonlights as a werewolf disc jockey. If his bloodcurdling scream doesn't terrify you, his weekly Avril Lavigne marathons on 92.8 WFXN will certainly do the trick.
DE Brandon Miller, Georgia: Brandon Miller is part of a squad of generically-named super soldiers. Alongside Matt Ryan, Harry Douglas, Sam Baker and a host of others, these snoozeworthy names plan to take over Flowery Branch--and then the world!
RB Jamar Brittingham, Bloomsburg: Brittingham once got two Happy Meal toys at McDonald's.
OT Michael Butterworth, Slippery Rock: Not related to popular maple syrup bottle Mrs. Butterworth, but isn't afraid to capitalize on the Butterworth name. Also attended a fictional college known as "Slippery Rock."
So who has the best chance to make the team?