If finding a competent backup was like a game show...
Host: Welcome to this week's edition of The Quarterbachelor Show, where new Falcons coach Bobby Petrino attempts to find a backup quarterback who is right for him. Let's meet our contestants. Quarterbachelor number one, what is your name?
Byron Leftwich: Hi, I'm Byron Leftwich. I enjoy standing in one spot and throwing things across a field.
Host: Sounds like a romantic time to me. Quarterbachelor number two, tell us a little about yourself.
Andrew Walter: My name is Andrew Walter. I played with the Raiders for two years and have more or less lost my will to live. Please don't make me go back to that horrible place.
Host: Well, sounds like someone's desperate!
Laughter from the studio audience
Host: Quarterbachelor number three, what is your name?
Cristobal Rojohombre: Mi nombre es Cristobal Rojohombre. In no way am I Chris Redman.
Host: You look awfully familiar despite that oversized mustache and sombrero. Why is that?
Rojohombre: No se, senor.
Host: Anyway, let's get this show kicked off! Bobby Petrino, if you would do the honors?
Petrino: Quarterbachelor number one, pretend I'm a receiver streaking across your field of vision. What would you do to me?
Leftwich: I'd pretty much just stand there and throw the ball to you. I'd also hope you were more talented than Reggie Williams.
Petrino: Oh, I am. *winks at the camera*
Bachelor number two, same question!
Walter: I would probably get hit by oncoming linebackers and fumble. Then I would cry and beg you to trade for me.
Please trade for me.
Petrino: What a kidder you are! Bachelor number three, what would you do?
Rojohombre: First I would ride up to you on my snow white stallion, then I would rescue you from the dark forces which attempt to cover you. You would be so grateful that you would start me over Joey Harrington.
Petrino: That sounds very romantic...wait, what?
Rojohombre: Que?
Leftwich and Walter staring oddly at Rojohombre, who adjusts his giant mustache awkwardly
Petrino: Well, uh, moving along. Quarterbachelor number one, if I was your playbook, what would you do to me?
Leftwich: I would study you while not moving. I would probably not move for any reason at all, actually. If I dropped you, I'd throw footballs at you until you got close enough for me to pick up with my feet.
Petrino: I like your immobility. Quarterbachelor number two, how about you?
Walter: I'd give anything to study your playbook, Petrino. Art Shell's was just Cheez Whiz stains and ink doodles on a piece of toilet paper.
Petrino: Coming on a bit strong there, number two.
Walter: hangs head in shame
Petrino: Quarterbachelor number three, same question.
Rojohombre: As a former insurance salesman in Guadalajara, I already would know your playbook. I make love to playbooks, finding each of their sweet secrets and turning them into sexy plays on the field. My Latin blood boils at the thought of what Joey Harrington is doing to your playbook.
Petrino: Wait a minute, I recognize that voice. Chris Redman, is that you?
*silence*
Rojohombre: El no?
Petrino: Damnit, Chris. You're already on the team! You don't even need to be here!
Rojohombre: Aw, c'mon, coach. I would be much better than these clowns.
Leftwich: If I could move, I would kick your ass.
Walter: Back off, bitch! He's mine!
Slap fight ensues between Redman and Walter
Host: Well folks, that's all the time we have! Tune in next week as we greet special guests David Green, Jeff Smoker and Christophe Rougehomme!