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Rod Coleman: A One Act Play

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THE SCENE: Rod Coleman is on a boat with teammates Jason Webster and Roddy White.

Coleman: Let me tell you guys something, there's nothing better than cold beer and the high seas.
Webster: You got it, man. Roddy, you want a beer?
White: Only if you're not going to throw it to me.
Webster: Catch!
(White bobbles the beer and drops it into the ocean)
White: DAMNIT!
Webster: Awesome.
Coleman: Well, there's a reason I called you guys out here. As my teammates, I thought you should know there's only a couple more years until I retire.
White: Wow. How come?
Coleman: I've done almost everything I can in my career. The only thing left is to tutor Trey Lewis to be the bacon-eating, pass-rushing champion that I was. As long as I don't suffer any tragic boating accidents, I should be fine.
Webster Well, at least the chances of that are pretty...
(The sail swings around and hits Coleman in the face, flipping him over. His right thigh is caught in the beam and he is swung out over the water.)
White: Holy shit! A boating accident! J-Web, you gotta cover this!
Webster: I'm all over it.
(Webster stands still as the sail swings back and forth over the ocean)
Webster: Oh no! I'm useless!
Coleman: My right quadricep! Who could've ever anticipated that I'd even be on a boat, for Christ's sake?  The Colemanity!

Coleman's out for several months. I would advise all other Falcons players to hide in rooms made entirely out of soft, downy quilts until training camp starts. Otherwise I'm pretty sure Jordan Beck is going to be dragged into the woods by a pack of wolves.