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April 1st News Roundup

The big news today, of course, is Michael Vick's brain transplant.

Coach Bobby Petrino confided to assistants that his prediction of a 65% completion rate for the inaccurate quarterback was likely to come back and bite him squarely in his butt. After wracking his brains to come up with a solution, he hit upon one he thinks will work for everyone.

"Well, we had talked about signing Jeff George, and I was just thinking the other day how nice it would be to have a pocket passer. But rather than go through all that trouble, we just switched his brain with Mike's. I think you'll see the difference," Petrino said.

The move came as a surprise to some team members.

"Mike was really the life of the party, a fun guy to be around most of the time. But the new Mike...Jeff...whatever he is, he's pretty dull. Dude just sits there, crossing names off a list, cackling and muttering 'I'll show them all!'" said defensive back Allen Rossum. "Kinda creepy, now that I think about it."

The move is designed to give Vick a true pocket passer's mentality. Despite his tendency to lumber slowly around the field and wear a jersey branded with "Whitlock" and a cartoon heart instead of a number, the new Vick has impressed people with his ability to actually get the ball to receivers, who promptly drop it.

"I'm really going to have to start taking the blame on myself now," Roddy White said while bobbling a ball along the sidelines. "This sucks."

Repeated calls to the George residence were not returned. The troubled combination of Vick's brain and George's body was last seen slowly juking turnstiles at Miami International Airport while clutching a bag full of water bottles.

For Petrino, watching his new quarterback cause problems in the locker room and stand rigid and immobile in the pocket is a cause for celebration.

"I think we made the right choice," he said.

Name Change: The newly renamed MC Shockley said his new moniker is befitting his career choices.

"Well, at first I was depressed when I realized I'm probably going to be the #3 quarterback behind Chris Redman, because he more or less sucks. But I decided to vent that anger into something productive: rapping," Shockley said.

Shockley's as of yet untitled first CD will drop in May, featuring the hit single "Chris Redman Is Number Two (Because He's Shitty)".

DeAngelo Hall Keeps Talking: For the sixth straight day, DeAngelo Hall kept talking, asserting that he is the league's best cornerback, that he will travel back in time to cover any receiver, and that turkey is delicious. Hall's verbal calisthenics have not escaped teammates' notice.

"How the ** is he still breathing?" asked an incredulous Alge Crumpler.

Grady Jackson Keeps Suing: Grady Jackson filed his fifteenth lawsuit against the Falcons yesterday. In the latest suit, Jackson charges that rookie running back Jerious Norwood would often poke him in the stomach and ask "would you like some pork, fatty fat fat fat?"

Norwood could not be reached for comment. Jackson is seeking eleventy billion dollars in damages.

Happy April Fool's!