FanPost

The Atlanta Falcons 2014 Draft Retrospective: What Really Happened in the Falcons Draft Room – Part II (Parody)

The following is Part II of an account of the detailed happenings that took place on the evening of Thursday, May 8, 2014 in the Atlanta Falcons Draft Room during the 1st round of the 2014 NFL Draft. Part I can be found here.

Draft Room

Atlanta Falcons Draft Room, Flowery Branch, Georgia, May 8, 2014 8:23 p.m.

[Thomas Dimitroff puts caller Jaguars GM David Caldwell on speaker-phone]

THOMAS DIMITROFF: Hey Dave, buddy. Good to hear from you. What’s up?

DAVID CALDWELL [voice coming through speaker-phone, panicked]: What do you know? What do you know?

THOMAS DIMITROFF [confused]: About what?

DAVID CALDWELL: About this! I thought you were going to trade up to 1 for Clowney but you didn’t. The Rams took my guy Greg Robinson. Everything’s out of whack, man.

THOMAS DIMITROFF: Look Dave, just calm down. [looks around room to curious, stunned onlookers]

DAVID CALDWELL: Jesus, the clock.

THOMAS DIMITROFF: Hey, look Dave, maybe do you want to -- I don’t know -- make a trade? You guys could get out of the 3rd spot and, um, take a breath and figure things out?

DAVID CALDWELL [still panicked]: I don’t know, I don’t know. [Pauses] Alright, you might be onto something. [Pauses] How about you give us…your 2nd round pick this year,…your 2nd round pick next year,…and your 2nd round pick the year after that.

THOMAS DIMITROFF [after long pause, smiling]: So what you’re saying is you want to trade the 3rd pick in the draft to us…for 3 2nd round picks? [Dimitroff gazes around the room. Scouts and coaches are quietly jumping up and down, exchanging high-fives. Mike Smith and Arthur Blank are locked in a tight embrace.]

DAVID CALDWELL: Yeah, man. We’re just totally freaked out over here.

THOMAS DIMITROFF: Hey, Dave, we’ve all been there man. Like remember in ’08 when we panicked and traded up for Sam Baker?

DAVID CALDWELL: That’s what I’m saying. I don’t want to make some rash decision that will haunt my franchise for 7 years. We just need to regroup over here and take a night to relax. Whaddaya say?

THOMAS DIMITROFF [smiling, cockily]: Well, Dave, I think you have yourself a de--

DAVID CALDWELL [cackling] Hahahahahahahaha! You just got totally punked, Dummytroff! You fell for the panicked Jaguars GM bit from Draft Day! Oh man, this was basically the greatest thing that has ever happened in the history of the Jacksonville Jaguars.

THOMAS DIMITROFF [furious]: Damn it, Caldwell!

[Groans throughout the Falcons draft room]

DAVID CALDWELL [still laughing]: Oh, you’ll be fine. Just do some yoga or eat a vegan brownie or something. As for me, I’m about to resurrect the Jaguars forever. BLAKE BORTLES TIME BABY! JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS TO THE SUPER BOOOO--

[Dimitroff hangs up phone]

THOMAS DIMITROFF: I’m getting too old for this crap.

ARTHUR BLANK [trying to cheer Dimitroff up]: Hey, remember when you were a young GM selecting a franchise QB with the 3rd pick in the draft?

MIKE SMITH: You know, guys, I said it then and I’ll say it now: we should have taken Glenn Dorsey with that pick six years ago. Can you imagine a defensive line featuring Paul Soliai, Tyson Jackson, and Glenn Dorsey? That there’s one tough, physical, championship-caliber Atlanta Falcons defensive line, fellas.

SCOTT PIOLI: Glenn Dorsey played for the Chiefs, right? Then yes, he’s awesome. You should go get him, Thomas.

SCOTT FROM THE FALCONS: Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear you guys talking about Matt Ryan just now and, um, I was just wondering -- is Matt Ryan elite?

[Chaos erupts in the draft room. Everyone screams at the top of their lungs to voice their opinion on whether Matt Ryan is elite. Mike Tice tackles Rich McKay. Bryan Cox puts Terry Robiskie in a head-lock. Scott from the Falcons puts on a helmet and hides under a table.]

THOMAS DIMITROFF [Standing on table, shouting]: Guys! Guys! Enough! [Everyone stops what they’re doing, except for the medical staff treating unconscious Terry Robiskie.] Ok, you know what? I think now is as good a time as any to answer this Is-Matt-Ryan-elite question once and for all. [Turns off cell phone.] Scott from the Falcons: hold all my calls, we’re going to settle this right here, right now. [Rolls up sleeves]

[12 minutes later…]

8:41 p.m.

THOMAS DIMITROFF: …and in conclusion, gentlemen, that definitively answers the question of whether Matt Ryan is elite.

[Room erupts in a standing ovation and applause. Tears stream down Arthur Blank’s face and he throws flowers in Dimitroff’s direction.]

ARTHUR BLANK [sobbing]: Thomas, that was absolutely beautiful.

THOMAS DIMITROFF: Now that that’s out of the way, where were we? [Turns on phone.] Oh my god: 12 missed calls and 30 text messages? Wait – are we on the clock?

LIONEL VITAL: Looks like it, boss. The Raiders just took Khalil Mack.

THOMAS DIMITROFF [checking phone]: Oh man, it looks like Reggie McKenzie from the Raiders wanted to swap 1st round picks with us and only wanted Peria Jerry in return. Who could have ever predicted that a Matt Ryan eliteness debate could be so franchise-crippling?

MIKE SMITH: They wanted Peria Jerry? Psh. Guys, you don’t know Peria like I do. Let me tell you something: when you sit with Peria Jerry alone in a room, awkwardly, you get a true sense of the toughness and never-quit attitude that Peria is all about. Honestly, there’s no one on our roster who epitomizes the physical toughness we’re going for more than that son of a gun. If there’s one thing I know and that I’d be willing to stake my entire coaching career on, it’s that Peria Jerry is going to come to camp ready to give the Atlanta Falcons everything he’s got. No way could we ever fathom trading Jerry, no-sir-ee.

SCOTT PIOLI: I don’t know why you like Peria so much. He’s no Tyson Jackson. [swoons] Say, have you guys ever gotten one of Tyson’s shiatsu massages? There’s no better feeling than having those big bear paws on your back, mmmm [closes eyes, continues swooning]

THOMAS DIMITROFF: Um, well, turning to our draft board, it looks like our top-ranked player is Odell Beckham, Jr. I realize that our roster is pretty much set at wide receiver, but can you imagine that guy paired with Julio? This offense would be unstoppable.

MIKE SMITH: Thomas, Thomas. You’re always out there preaching "urgent athleticism" and "playmaking ability" and "high-powered," blah blah blah. But it's like I always try to tell you guys, Falcons football is not about running up the score and winning blowouts. It’s about tight, competitive games with big guys knocking heads together and where the outcome of the game is in doubt until the very end. That’s when you leave the game in the coach’s hands to make that final game-deciding decision. This is what football is all about.

THOMAS DIMITROFF: Is Dirk around? I’m curious what he thinks.

MIKE SMITH: Oh, Koetter’s probably just busy designing some more exotic screen passes for Julio and Harry. This Beckham guy probably wouldn’t even see the field in Dirk’s offense.

LIONEL VITAL: Beckham’s hands, though. That guy never drops a ball.

MIKE SMITH: Oh come on, our guys don’t drop balls either. Please, Roddy? Hester? Toilolo? They’ve got hands like stick-em.

THOMAS DIMITROFF: Well, there’s also Anthony Barr high up there on our board --

MIKE SMITH: Anthony Barr who decided not to play for us at the Senior Bowl? I just don’t think he has the brand of toughness that we need on this team. And I just don’t see how he’s going to get any 3rd down snaps when we’ve already got Osi and Kroy set to pin their ears back on 3rd downs this season.

THOMAS DIMITROFF: Ok, well, I’ll give you this: if we don’t take a pass-rusher here, we should be fine addressing that need later by trading up for Dee Ford. And if that doesn’t work out, Demarcus Lawrence will definitely be there for us in round 2. So I think we’ll be fine without Barr. I guess that leaves us with some offensive tackle options for this pick.

MIKE TICE: An offensive tackle? I was hoping to give Levine Toilolo some snaps there, but sure, I guess we could use another body.

THOMAS DIMITROFF: We’ve got 2 guys equally graded on our board. Jake Matthews from Texas A&M and Taylor Lewan from Michigan.

SCOTT PIOLI: Has either one ever played for the Kansas City Chiefs? Because that would make this decision much easier for me.

THOMAS DIMITROFF: Um, no Scott. Neither one has played for the Chiefs. Anyway, as we’ve discussed, Jake is clean as a whistle with a great pedigree while Taylor brings a bit of nastiness but has some off-field concerns. So I guess there’s only one way to settle this.

EVERYONE IN ROOM: THE FALCON FILTER!!!!

[6 scouts drag out the "Falcon Filter," which is actually a giant Price-is-Right-style Plinko board with a filter attached to the bottom.]

THOMAS DIMITROFF: Ok, someone hand me the Matthews and Lewan scouting reports.

[Scott from the Falcons pulls the reports out of a binder and hands them to Dimitroff. Dimitroff crumbles each scouting report into a paper ball.]

THOMAS DIMITROFF: Ok, here goes nothing!

[Dimitroff drops the Matthews paper ball and the Lewan paper ball into the Falcon Filter. Both paper balls bounce through the filter, with scouts in the room hollering, placing bets with each other, and throwing money around the room. The paper balls continue to fall and both reach the top of the filter simultaneously. Everyone pauses in excitement. Finally, one scouting report ball falls through the filter and onto the floor. It’s Jake Matthews. The room erupts.]

ARTHUR BLANK: Thomas, I used to be unsure about whether the Falcon Filter was the right approach, but you know what, this thing is the absolute greatest.

THOMAS DIMITROFF: All I know is those big black dots we put in those questionable prospects’ scouting reports are just enough to get trapped in the Filter. Works like a charm.

ARTHUR BLANK: Absolutely. Hey, ya know what, I think I’m going to start selling Falcon Filters at Home Depot. Who wouldn’t pay $99 to have one of these bad boys in their garage?

RICH MCKAY [grumbles to himself]: I miss the days when "Falcon Filter" just meant "Draft whoever Rich McKay feels like drafting."

THOMAS DIMITROFF: Alright, everyone, nice work. I guess it’s time to call the guys in New York to let them know to send in the draft card. Oh, Lionel --

LIONEL VITAL: Yeah, boss?

THOMAS DIMITROFF: Don’t let me forget to tell Peter King some BS that we were talking to the Jaguars earlier about trading up to take Jake Matthews at 3. He’ll totally buy it, that guy believes anything I tell him.

LIONEL VITAL: You got it.

[3 minutes pass.]

8:50 p.m.

[Everyone in the Falcons Draft Room looks toward the television]

ROGER GOODELL [through TV]: With the 6th pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Atlanta Falcons select…Jake Matthews, offensive tackle, Texas A&M.

EVERYONE IN DRAFT ROOM: [Cheers and clapping]

[Ten seconds later, the assembled scouts and coaches wind down their cheering and clapping, but the sound of cheering is still audible. Everyone looks around the room, confused as to where the noise is coming from.]

OTHER RODDY WHITE [in back of room, holding large boombox over his shoulder with a wry smile on his face; he then presses the stop button on the boombox, then stealthily exits the room undetected.]

THE END

<em>This FanPost was written by one of The Falcoholic's talented readers. It does not necessarily reflect the views of The Falcoholic.</em>