Perhaps you have just emerged, blinking, from a filthy cave where you have spent the last football season. Your reasons for going into that cave are your own, but they are not germane to our problem. Our problem is this: The Seattle Seahawks and Denver Broncos are in the Super Bowl, but how did they get there? What are their stories?
As a veteran writer and a grizzled watcher of many Super Bowl media weeks, I am uniquely equipped to tell you what the major story lines will be leading up to this big game. Behold, my wisdom.
For the Broncos...
- Peyton Manning is one of the all-time great quarterbacks if he wins this game, but if he loses this game he's going to be an all-time choker who probably spends too much time advertising for Papa John's and not enough time being a champion.
- Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady. What if they were in the Super Bowl together? I mean, can you imagine?
- Peyton Manning has had four neck surgeries. Does he have his old arm strength? Let's turn to Jaws for his breakdown of this, and also why Colin Kaepernick compares favorably to Manning when he's not wearing his hat sideways.
- They call Julius Thomas "Orange Julius." Did you know this? I bet you didn't know this.
- Wes Welker may be short, but he's not short on heart.
- This defense has a lot of big, nasty guys on it. That's it. That's the extent of the analysis. Thank you.
- Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning? Peyton Manning.
For The Seahawks...
- Russell Wilson, are you the best fourth round pick in NFL history? Russell, do you feel like other teams were foolish to pass on you? Russell, are you aware that you are shorter than the average NFL quarterback? Russell, are you a robot fueled by humility? Russell, do you have the heart of a lion?
- Marshawn Lynch sure does like Skittles!
- Doug Baldwin sure is proving those critics wrong!
- This defense...you know, what else can you say about this defense? It's really good.
- Richard Sherman claims to be the best cornerback in the NFL. Instead of doing a deep dive on film or statistics to determine whether that claim has merit, let us talk about how he yelled in Erin Andrews' ear and disrespected Michael Crabtree, he may or may not be joking about this and it may be an act but maybe he's just fired up and also he went to Stanford.
- Pete Carroll is just so laid-back. Were you aware he once coached for New England, the team Tom Brady currently plays for? Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning was a fun story.
- Marshawn Lynch REALLY likes Skittles!
What Is Not Important
- Anything that pertains to the actual football game, the relative merits of these two football teams, fresh looks into how these two teams fared this season against high-powered offenses or shutdown defenses. Anything that might be insightful instead of insipid, useless and easily shared on social media.