FanPost

Eight Ways to Fix the Falcons' Offensive Line, In Descending Order of Sanity

# 1 - Cautious Optimism Until the Bye Week

Help Holmes et al. as much as possible through scheme and play calling through the next four games, while also keeping eye around league for trade options and free agents, and coaching Schraeder and Trueblood as replacements. If there is no improvement by the MNF game against the Jets, use the bye week to execute whatever Plan B is and move on.

# 2 - One Last Chance

Holmes gets this Sunday's game against the Rams to prove he can be better; if not, publicly announce Schraeder or Trueblood will take over after next critical error. When he inevitably does have an issue in the Miami game, bring in the replacement and see what happens. Holmes, confidence destroyed, begins writing beat poetry and posting a ton on his Tumblr.

# 3 - Trade!

Trade Harry Douglas to a receiver-needy team (Vikings? Texans?), or Snelling/Draft Pick to a running back-needy team for either an okay starting tackle or decent backup tackle. The sudden loss of a reliable, team-first player and friend for a non-guaranteed solution angers most of the offensive players except for Tony Gonzalez, who through a strict diet of kale, garbanzo beans, and koala meat lost the ability to feel true emotion years ago.

# 4 - Boogie Nights

Lamar Holmes steals John Holmes' identity, resulting in a massive surge in confidence for himself and intimidation for opposing players. Most defensive ends opt to just gawk at him or shake his hand in awe rather than actually trying to rush past him.

# 5 - Subterfuge

For the remainder of the season, quietly tranquilize the head referee before each game begins and replace him with Falcons Vice President of Communications Reggie Roberts. Mr. Roberts, a strapping African-American male with a lovely speaking voice, will be accepted as an official referee by players, coaches, and announcing crews due to the fact that he's not Ed Hochuli and therefore who the hell knows any other refs by name. Roberts calls personal foul penalties on any defensive player that beats Holmes around the edge.

# 6 - The Tanooki Suit

Lamar Holmes dresses up like a giant raccoon every game day and uses his massive bushy tail to bludgeon defensive ends and tackles who dare approach Matt Ryan's right side. When Pro Football Talk launches an investigation to determine how this strategy is even legal, Holmes claims that he has ADHD and that the Tanooki suit is covered under an official NFL medical waiver. Roger Goodell, too busy dancing on the grave of Dave Duerson to pay attention, confirms the story.

# 7 - Battlestar Galactica

The team swaps out Lamar Holmes with a cybernetic replacement, gaining robotic super strength and intellect. The plan works perfectly until Week 16 against the 49ers, when the constant fog short circuits Holmes' transistors, causing his head to explode and his arms to fly off of his body at near the speed of sound. The severed robot arms eventually gain sentience and start an organic co-op in the Sonoma Valley. They are wed two years later when California passes Proposition 45, legalizing the ability for two severed robot arms of the same original body to marry. The robot Holmes' torso and legs are in attendance.

# 8 - Adamantium

After getting really high and watching a ton of X-Men cartoons on Netflix, Matt Ryan contacts Dr. James Andrews and elects to undergo a risky surgical procedure that adheres molten titanium alloy to his bones, rendering him indestructible. Dr. Andrews, too busy writing sonnets about Robert Griffin III's left patellar tendon to have time to deal with Ryan's request, turns him down. Ryan, desperate, decides to perform the procedure himself, despite his heavily medicated state and complete lack of medical training. The next day at player introductions, a confident Ryan bursts through the tunnel, wrapped head to toe in aluminum foil. Unable to bend his limbs, he is sacked on the first twelve plays from scrimmage. Lamar Holmes is benched because IT'S ALL HIS FAULT.

<em>This FanPost was written by one of The Falcoholic's talented readers. It does not necessarily reflect the views of The Falcoholic.</em>

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