Long, long offseason huh? Are you as tired of reading all of the season projections and projected win-loss articles as me?
Then read this one and take it to the bank, i personally guarantee this one is 100% accurate.
I swear on my autographed Bill Goldberg jersey.
This one is easy. Its week one, how many old people do you know that don't take 2 hours to wake up and get ready? None, the same goes for old man Brees, he won't know which combination of Geritol, Warfarin and vitamin B12 will work best for him until at least week 3. Couple that with the fact that Rob Ryan couldn't do anything with a better defense in Dallas and you have a recipe for defeat.
Falcons win 35-24.
Week 2- Rams at Falcons
Why did President Obama want to send Sam Bradford to Venezuela?
He thought Sam Bradford was the only one that could overthrow Hugo Chavez. Har har har
Steven Jackson visits his old stomping ground pretty early in the season, after this game the city of St. Louis will have as many wins as they do actual Rams: 0. Bold prediction: Samuel, Moore, Decoud and Trufant intercept 6 balls before Bradford is finally benched.
Falcons win 38-17.
Week 3- Falcons at Dolphins
Possible trap game? No, the only trap that could be set this week is when one of the Kardashians sees Julio Jones at the beach and swears she is on birth control. Don't do it Julio.
Falcons win 24-10.
Week 4-Patriots at Falcons
The circus comes to town. By this time in the season, Tim Tebow has taken the starting job and made Tom Brady recite prayers on the sideline, waterboy part 2? No, prayerboy part 1. . I can hear it now, down, set, Moses 42, Psalms 44, sect,sect, hike. I'm going to hell.
Falcons win 35-32
Week 5- Jets at Falcons
Uhhhhhh.........Butt fumble. Enough said.
Falcons win 42-10
Week 7- Bye
Yes, even the greatest have to take some time off every now and then.
Week 8- Buccaneers at Falcons
Revis island or is it Revis bay? We will just call it Krakatoa from now on because the volcano that is Julio Jones is going to be taking it down twice a year. Hopefully by this time of the season the Bucs will be knee deep in a QB controversy, Glennon vs Freeman or better known as Napoleon Dynamite vs Donald Faison with curly hair. Either way, Matt Ryan > Glennon and Freeman combined.
Falcons win 21-17.
Week 8- Falcons at Cardinals
Fun fact: Arizona once had a navy consisting of two boats on the Colorado River. They were used to prevent California from encroaching on Arizona territory. Well no need to call up the reserves when you hear bombs dropping Arizona, its just a guy named Matt Ryan throwing a football, i wouldn't worry to much about those California boys, its a few guys from Atlanta that's doing the encroaching these days.
Falcons win 45-17
Week 9 Falcons at Panthers
The little kids of the division, the Panthers. Not only do they have to deal with Cam "crybaby" Newton throwing dirt-balls to wide open tight ends, they just named their defensive line after a Disney/Pixar movie, embarrassing and cute all at the same time, im sure it will be the butt of many jokes for years to come, but hey they are used to it right?
Falcons win 28-10
Week 10- Seahawks at Falcons
The last time a Sherman came to town Roddy White was the one who did the burning, forget the old dead guy, Atlanta has a new Sherman to hate. Will Seadderal be able to field a team this late in the year? Will everyone on their defense be suspended or will it just be the legion of whom? Only time and many, many drug test will tell.
Falcons win 17-10.
Falcons at Buccaneers
*See week 7 and add a Greg Schiano meltdown of Rutgers proportion.
Falcons win 31-21.
Week 12- Saints at Falcons
Another epic Thursday night game? Maybe, or more like a good mopping of the Georgia Dome turf with the playoff hopes of the Saints. I have a feeling their airport visit will be eggcellent again. Do i sense a new tradition catching on around here? Yes, yes i do.
Falcons win 41-38.
Week 13- Falcons at Bills
Canada, Buffalo its all the same really. It's hard to not like a place that gave us the Buffalo wing. But at the same time its easy to hate people that call soda "pop" so we will call it a draw, unlike this game which will be a blowout of epic proportions, i fully expect to see Dominique Davis coming in to finish the game in the 3rd and fooling some poor team into giving us a 2nd rounder for him. That team may just be Buffalo.
Falcons win 52-17.
Week 14- Falcons at Packers
Not even a cold December night at Lambeau Field can stop Matty Ice and Co. from making Aaron Rodgers discount double check himself before he wrecks himself, the undefeated season continues. Bold Prediction: Clay Matthews begs Matt Ryan to sign his golden locks after the game.
Falcons win 24-17.
Week 15- Redskins at Falcons
RG3 has this game marked on his calendar. Its the game he plans on catching the "flu" and sitting out. You see RG3 hasn't been able to stop having those nightmares of Sean Weatherspoon knocking him into oblivion and he still can't remember what he did from ages 7-15. Bold prediction: Mike Smith and Deangelo Hall go three rounds with Smith winning by KO.
Falcons win 27-14.
Week 16- Falcons at 49ers.
Ahhhh revenge time, a la Giants 2012 game. The Falcons will give us a early Christmas present with a angry beating of the team that, lets say, was helped, to the Super Bowl. Matthews and White will exact their revenge in what should be the last game played at Candlestick, before they move to that ridiculously named Levis Stadium. That's right, make that last game there be an abomination 49ers fans remember forever. Try not to get stabbed in the parking lot if you go.
Falcons win 27-21
Week 17- Panthers at Falcons
Hey Carolina, enjoy watching us in January.
Falcons win 38-10.
There you have it. Undefeated in 2013 and it will end in a Super Bowl victory.