The Bear Woods Award for Most Valuable Name - 2013 Edition

With the NFL Draft in the rear view mirror, now is the time where every armchair coach gives his thoughts, opinions and grades on the newest crop of talent. Fans opine on the Day One impact, the ceiling, floor, risk, reward and all manner of intangibles of the newest additons to their rosters.

And to those people I say good day. We're here to hand out some real grades; grades that mean something, grades that will really determine how good Dimitroff's roster truly is. We're here to grade the names of the 2013 Atlanta Falcons.


The Falcons have always been blessed with some great names. From oddly pronounced syllables (Ovie Mughelli), to the extremely coincidental (looking at you Chad Faulcon), we are a truly historic franchise in this department. Last year was no exception.

Jacquizz Rodgers:

Arguably a top 5 name in the whole NFL, Jacquizz Rodgers is the clear team captain of the great name brigade. With several of the least utilised letters in the first name alone, you'd be hard pressed to lead with a better name in NFL Scrabble. J, Q and two Z's? Yes please.

Grade: A

Quintorris Lopez Jones:

We know Julio Jones as the athletic freak on the outside of our formations, pulling down jump balls and intercepting Hail Mary's like it aint no thang. His mama knows him as Quintorris Lopez Jones. What more needs to be said, that's just sheer poetry.

Grade: B+

Phillipkeith Manley:

He has two first his first name. And his surname is Manley. Why am I even explaining this?

Grade: A-

New Recruits:

Levine Toilolo:

The man they call 'Levine Machine' has more vowels in his surname than the Falcons have exciting and promising seasons which get cut tragically short by post seasons no shows. Ok maybe I'm the only one who calls him Levine Machine, and maybe that was a tad bitter. Either way, Toilolo's name is like a rollercoaster for your mouth, and has to be one of the more fun words I've ever encountered in the English language.

Grade: B- (hurt by having an actual real person's first name. Disappointing.)

Stansly Maponga:

Dear. God. Where to begin?

His name sounds like a giant Game of Thrones reference. Maponga sounds like something I'd drink too much of in Hawaii and then feel sick whenever I ever even smelled it again. His first name sounds like his parents opted for Stan but then accidently dropped a monocle on their baby and decided he looked dang fine, so they made his name slightly fancier. I hope this pick works out, so I can convince the future Mrs TheBurner that he played a vital role in shaping my life and pass the name down to my no doubt soon to be bullied son. God bless Stansly Maponga.

Grade: A+++++++++++

So there you go, while the rest of the world is throwing around draft grades, I hope you enjoyed my look into the real rankings that will stand the test of time. Vote below for the best name on the Falcons roster.

PS: The Falcoholic has an excellent tradition of user suggested nicknames. From Chris Rojohombre, to W.A.R., from Waffle House to Joey Joe Joe Shabadoo and everything in between, user nicknames always make the gameday threads just that little bit more fun. Feel free to suggest any nicknames for the new batch of draftees below.

Go Falcons.

<em>This FanPost was written by one of The Falcoholic's talented readers. It does not necessarily reflect the views of The Falcoholic.</em>

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