Best Falcons 2013 Mock Draft In The History of Everything

Dimitroff is pretty fly for a white guy. - Denny Medley-US PRESSWIRE

It's time, ladies and gentlemen, for the greatest mock draft of all-time. My mission, should I accept to choose it, will be to devote my entire being into correctly predicting who The Man, The Myth, The Legend Thomas Dimitroff will pick with his all-knowing prowess. Let's rock.

First, Falcoholics, before beginning The Greatest Falcons Mock Draft Of All-Time, you must play this song at full volume. Anything less would be unacceptable.

Now, I mustn't delay your eyes any further with silly musings.

Behold...the Atlanta Falcons first round pick of 2013 is...

Round 1 - Jason Heyward, Athlete, Atlanta, Ga.

That's right, folks, Jason Heyward. He can do it all for the Falcons and he's athletic enough to play defensive end. Listed at 6'5", 240, Jason just needs to add a little bit of muscle and he'll be prime to get after the quarterback. I fully expect him to make a glorious sack on his first defensive snap of his career, then go to have a middling next few years in which we continuously support him because JASON HEYWARD. (Just kidding)

Round 2 - Falcons TRADE!

YES, the Falcons trade, but what do they do with it?

The Falcons trade pick #62 to all 31 teams in return for every pick in 2014's 7th round. When asked about the trade, Dimitroff said, "I'll show these fans what 'value' means, brother!" Dimitroff is predicted to pick 32 defensive ends in next year's 7th.

It is unclear how the 31 teams will settle who makes the pick at 62, but an event titled "Mud Wrestling" was just added to a list of events at the Georgia Dome this summer. Perhaps the teams will send their most scantily clad individuals to the Georgia Dome?

Edit: My sources have just informed me that it will not be mud wrestling, but a "greased pig chase" involving the owners of the 31 teams, which will be broadcast live on the day of the event. Early favorite is Al Davis's Ghost at 7-1.

Round 3 - Paul Blart, Mall Cop

Bradie Ewing's knees can't be trusted after yet another Falcons rookie suffered the dreaded ACL tear. Thankfully, Paul Blart, an underrated mall cop, has been linked with the Falcons thanks to his skillful use of a Segway. Blart cleared the way when a sneaky mall scheme nearly took over his mall.

Blart's courage helped save the mall from-

Actually, you know what, just tell him to visit Krispy Kreme once a day and tell him to hop on his Segway and lead the way for our running back of the future in....

Round 4 - Sebastian Vettel, Freakishly Good F1 Driver, Germany

Germany's had a nice crop of speed the past few years, including people like Michael Schumacher. And what better way to liven up your backfield than to have the guy who is the face of the fastest car humanly possible. Bad run blocking? No problem. Ol' Sebastian can hit the hole in less than half a second with that fancy machine. He might only be 5'9", 128 lbs, but he flies like someone driving a 500 kilogram, 1400 horsepower steel bullet.

Round 5 - An Actual Falcon, Defensive Back, Skies Above

In what could be the steal of the draft, an actual falcon has entered the 2013 NFL Draft.

When questioned at the combine, the falcon could not answer anyone's questions due to the language barrier between bird and man, but it is said that Dimitroff secured some behind the scenes footage of the bird making an open-field tackle, which is more than can be said of many of the human Falcons.

When asked whether or not he, as the original Falcon, was superior, he squawked loudly and flapped his wings, shedding feathers everywhere and prompting an immediate evacuation of the press conference.

Look for the real thing to show the posers who's boss this season.

Round 6 - Dave Choate, Falconer, New England

Our own Dave Choate makes the team this year after his firstborn child fueled his rage so much, he bulked up to 205 and said, "Get me outta here!". He then proceeded to turn an odd shade of green and rampaged through the city of New Orleans.

When questioned at the combine, Dave explained that his outburst was thanks to his latest use of "dietary supplements", but those close to Dave know it was probably one of his latest exotic beers.

The Falcons liked the raw strength of Enraged Dave, and said in a statement, "If all he needs is some beer, well we've got a few guys who will help him feel right at home for that."

New Orleans could not be reached (no, literally, could not be reached. Enraged Dave physically separated New Orleans from Louisiana and they have been unable to locate it in the Gulf of Mexico to this point) for comment.

Round 7 - Millennium Falcon, Battleship, A Galaxy Not Near Here

When Dimitroff talks about value, he wants value. And what better value than to get a whole friggin' ship's crew with one pick? A variety of talent can be found aboard the ship, including rising star DE Chewy, who's listed at 8'3" 400. Chewy elected not to work out at the combine, instead relying on the footage from his pro days.

Chewy's press conference was extremely tense, as no actual reporters showed up, but rather the interns from every news publication. Armed with riot gear and notepads, the interns asked very safe, generic questions, until one intern in particular asked why he thought the rest of the Millennium Falcon crew wasn't graded as highly as him.

That intern received a swift podium to the face, and Chewy was immediately escorted off the premises.

Chewy had a first-round grade until that incident.

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