Look who is here on time to add sprinkles to the cupcake. The cupcake is the new orleans' NFL franchise. The sprinkles are whatever the hell I ate earlier that just ended up being pissed out of my anus.
Ooh ooh ooh, I'll pee on you. Drip, drip, drip.
Oh! I almost forgot the warning nonsense I always post on here!
Warning! This post does not contain any curse words (I think), hot girls that get paid to play (some of them do make it look like hard work) nor any good sportsmanship. Because I'm a fan. An angry, angry fan. Know why? The freaking (OMG HE JUST SAID FREAKING INSTEAD OF MOTHER-@$@%@%@^@^@^ AND DAVE JUST LET OUT ONE MANLY TEAR) Falcons are playing against the saints. I'm pissed off. You're pissed off. Every Falcoholic is pissed off when the saints are on tap. And if the saints really were on tap, the bartender would be pouring us all a putrid, stinky, goopy mix of aids with heroin. You have to be on heroin to like the saints. And if you like the saints, you might as well have aids.
Oh, back to that warning.
Despite using my inside voice and not cursing like a sailor, not posting pictures of girls that all straight guys and lesbians can enjoy, I will still be a little bit... hmm... inappropriate.
So if you're a youngin that owns an ipad far too early in your life that you're sure has been far too long already, well put that blasted ipad down and go play outside. Get some exercise gosh nabbit. I hate kids, but fat kids are worse. And it's not their fault, it's the parents. I don't have children, never wanted them since before I turned 14 and I was still a stupid kid, but I promise if I ever did have an accident that couldn't be rectified with an accidental bat to the stomach (That red X in the top right corner just got many-a-clicks) than I would certainly feed my kid(s)(hopefully not twins and I could lose that s after the word kid) real food that isn't difficult to burn off while they're playing some sort of manly-man sport.
Don't you worry Dave, I have a hard enough time following whatever the heck (heck, so cute of a word) I'm writing so I seriously doubt the new generation of geniuses that are being raised like a bunch of little pussy's understand anything I'm saying. Know why they don't? It's because they're all geared towards the windows-8 garbage layout (see: old Falcoholic layout vs. new Falcoholic layout) - that is, images and videos only, please. So Blood_Talon is correct: lose the porn, we're good to go! Oh and don't worry about saint, panther, or buc fans - I think the new generation of idiots are a bit smarter.
Off track and out of line again. Oh well. I'm angry.
So yea, if you can't handle the previous paragraphs, please do not read on. According to Mr. Rael, Dave drinks a lot. And we don't need to add more drinks to his tab. And if I ever meet Dave in a bar I will shamelessly add three double-Jack & Cokes to his tab, like a boss. But I'm actually a pretty nice guy so I'll cover a couple of his drinks as well.
Speaking of a man buying drinks for another man... I forgot to write about the gay dude in Phoenix, AZ who thought he was going to have an intimate intercourse session with me. I only have those kind of sessions with females, because I was born a perv and I knew in first grade that I loved women and I will not back that up with a story of what I was doing to the girl on the basketball court.
With that said, I have nothing against guys who decide that another guy needs to be inside of their body. That awkward walk of shame into work the next day after the company holiday party is on them.
I do, however, have a problem with a gay guy trying to trick a straight guy into bed by promising the aforementioned straight-as-heck guy a couple of girls while that same straight guy is down and out, and in need of some rough love making with a random girl in a strange city. Because sometimes a straight man has to be a man-whore.
Seriously long story short here>>> This dude thought he'd get me so drunk I'd pass out and wake up cuddling with him. Unfortunately for him, he met a straight guy that can freaking drink. Fortunately for me, I'm that straight guy that can freaking drink. Unless I'm not eating that much, or I'm with Kevin in downtown LA and I can't finish my own shot I just ordered nor can I remember what happened once I left the bar. All I remember is "waking up" and stumbling home the last couple of miles. Oh and Fatburger... nothing beats a drunken Fatburger meal. Bomb.
So if you're a gay dude, stick with gay dudes. You don't see me hitting on lesbians, even if I am a lesbian. Because I know they don't want me. What they want is hard and made out of plastic. Seriously, I don't get the strap-on.
Let's get back to football... I have some Anti-Awards I'd like to hand out this week. And after you're done reading this garbage and you killed some time at work, you'll have a chance to vote on something more realistic than which of the two babes you'll bang first.
In 2005 a wonderful natural disaster happened. Okay, okay, fine - it wasn't that wonderful back then. But in hindsight, it put new orleans football on the map. The press loves an easy story they can sell to the casual fans and wives of fans. So this big hurricane unfortunately only nearly wipes out the city of new orleans, and the poor, poor football team has to play in another stadium because their not-so-super stuper dome needed repairs. The media gobbled it up and spit out this "saints against the world" type of fiction novel. And they still talk about that stupid hurricane and how the saints saved the city from it.
And unfortunately for Falcons fans, the saints beat us in their first game back in their swamp dome.
People of new orleans, fans of saints: The players didn't give a flying #Cursewordhere about your flooded house... Like many other rich people, they had other "problems" that they have to deal with in their life. Anything that any saint player did that appeared charitable was done for the image of the saints and the NFL.. they really didn't care. And neither does anyone else. It's the same concept as the NFL trying to break through to female fans by pretending to care about big, hot, juicy breasts because, and I'll quote my sister, "I like it when they wear pink". It's marketing. It's pathetic.
If a big storm hit Atlanta in 2005 and the Falcons were displaced and had to play their home games somewhere else, the media would pick that story up and you'd hear about how the Falcons really helped the city of Atlanta recover from the giant turd I laid on visiting saint fans... or some other type of natural disaster. You get the point. Or you're a saints fan, and you're still processing what I wrote in my first paragraph.
I'm not complaining that the Falcons don't get any media love - forget the love, give us a Lombardi - I'm just saying it's ridiculous that in every saints broadcast I see (two a year) there's something said/shown about the hurricane that unfortunately only nearly wiped out the smelly city of new orleans.
This award is handed out because the hurricane was a blessing in disguise for fans of the saints... because if it wasn't for that hurricane, the saints would get as much love as falcons.
I hate the saints for more than one reason. First reason is obvious enough.. but what about the other reasons? Well I've wrote on here before that I don't like it when a team chases records in games that are all but over already. Know what team does that, and does it every stinking chance they get? Yup... the damn saints.
The most recent case of this unsportsmanlike conduct came against the cowboys. Late in the fourth quarter, Up a million points to negative sixty, the saints decided to go for the first down record on 4th and 5. And the cowgirls couldn't stop it from happening. Are you kidding me?!
Who here, that's not a visiting pro-saint idiot, thinks that's acceptable? If you're looking for an organization with class we already knew to pass up the saints. We all know about their paid bounty hunters program.
The football gods don't appreciate that record setting crap. And Falcoholics don't appreciate saints setting any records against us.
So Atlanta Falcons players PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I'm begging you.. if you don't win this game PLEASE do not let the saints break any records against us. They'll throw for 800 yards and 10 touchdowns if we let them. They'd have no shame in running up the score even if the score was already 77-3 and it was the two minute warning in the 4th.
DON'T LET THEM BREAK ANY RECORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And while I'm on the subject of breaking stuff, why doesn't drew brees take the field Thursday and break a leg. You know I don't mean that cliche'd saying... you know me better than that. I mean, send a third stringer out there and break brees' leg. Nobody wants to see his stupid smirk right before he starts making out with sean peyton on the sidelines. They take that whole butt slapping thing to another level.
I'm not going to sit here on the internet and pretend that I'll feel bad if brees suffered a career-ending injury Thursday night. And I won't sit in a bar and pretend either. Pretending is for two year olds. And any smart two year old would refuse to wear a saints jersey to begin with, because that's up there with sticking a fork into an electrical socket - "Actually mom, I'll take the fork, please."
Honestly, I'm not ashamed to wish that drew brees suffered a career ending injury. There's only one other athlete I wouldn't mind seeing that happen to - lebron james.
I'm talking nasty - thigh bone coming out through his jersey pants nasty... we saw him crying this week about the hit he took that he thought wasn't a flag, how hard do you think he'd cry if he was looking at a bloody bone that he owns? I'd be at the bar, slamming my fists down, knocking over a saints fan's drink "by mistake", laughing hysterically.
Not going to cover it up - I'd be laughing. How would that be for sportsmanship? Who is dat man who doesn't give a F%@$?! Me, dat who.
In lieu of brees playing his last game on Thursday I will happily accept Alcon, The Mother Fing Falcon Hero, dismembering brees. Come on, Botchelism!
Ah, rex ryan, it has been a while, hasn't it? For most of you who don't know, this little special award always went to the player or coach or "expert" who said something so ridiculous it had to be trashed - somewhere - even if that somewhere was my little "blog" on the internet that gets about 12 hits.
So let's recap the 49ers/saints game: 49ers should have won but the saints were given two big calls that cost the niners the game. I hate the niners too, but I'll take any team that is playing the saints. My order of favorite NFL teams is like FALCONS > ANY TEAM > saints
We all saw that play, right? The one that we all wished would be brees' last? So he gets hit pretty hard, which happens - because it's FOOTBALL - and a flag is thrown.. first down handed to saints. Matt Ryan takes some licks, and I think I've seen a roughing-the-passer flag thrown twice. And I can't even remember the 2nd time, I'm just trying to pad the stats in favor of the NFL.
But in fact, the NFL and other major sports leagues play favorites - or at least some refs do, while under close supervision of the NFL front office.
I knew brees would have something stupid and anti-award worthy to say. Here's his take on that hit:
"I think anyone that was watching the game real time, live speed, nobody's gonna sit there and say that wasn't a penalty," Brees said. "Now, when you slow it down, it looks like he hits me here, kind of in the chest. But I get up and my mouth was bleeding. So I don't know if you get hit in the chest and your mouth bleeds."
"I can tell you how I felt when I got hit. It felt like I got my head ripped off," Brees added. "And I get up and I've got a mouth full of blood. So there was no doubt in my mind that, 'Hey, it's gonna be a penalty.'"
And there's no doubt in my mind that we're not watching the Football our dad's grew up watching (I'm 27 but didn't get into football until I was 18, so some of you are those dad's I'm referring to but hey I'm not calling you old, most of my friends are older than I am I love old people)
Hey brees... you're playing football.. sometimes you'll get hard. Quit crying like a little pussified and feminized boy child. It's good that you were bleeding, but I'm sad because it wasn't enough blood lost from your tiny little body. And even though my blood type is 0- and I can give to whomever, I wouldn't sell you my blood for a million dollars per pint.
Okay, I'm lying, or else I'd have to give myself this rex ryan award. I'd take the money and then hit you over the head with a baseball bat. And you'd cry for a police officer to throw a flag.
That niner defender guy didn't go for his neck.. brees is so short to begin with, but when I watch that play I see the niner-guy's arm striking brees' shoulder/chest area and as brees' head sways back and forth, niner-guy's arm brushes brees' neck.
F it NFL... just fast forward a couple years already and make linebackers two-hand touch quarterbacks for big, exciting, momentum swinging "sacks" that are less like a real bone-crunching NFL sack and more like a sack of coal I'm using to give brees' a real reason to cry and bleed. Well that doesn't make sense huh? Oh well, NFL's new pussifying rules don't make a lot of sense either. Just makes me so sad to see the country getting softer and softer... Being a mostly white and completely straight guy who was raised by real men to be a real man is going out of style. Well, you can replace the words "mostly white" and add whatever ethnicity you are... you're still going out of style, just like I am.
Hey brees, go play tennis, you big mangina.
Is tim tebow even in the NFL any longer? I want to say no, but I don't follow non-Falcons related happenings 100%. This award was born when the world realized that tebow was not a man, nor a mangina like brees, but instead a king. Not just any king or a made up king like king james (didn't he give himself that title?) but the mother-fing Dolphin King... that could do anything.
Or so the media thought. Damn, thought we'd never hear the end of those slippery and slobbery gagging noises coming from behind the booth when tebow was handed the microphone.
brees is all hype. No talent whatsoever. I'd take tebow over brees in a hindsight-draft.
Why? Because F@%$ drew brees, that's why.
Unfortunately, we stink this year. Case in point:
1) Atlanta Falcons, 2-8: We just got blown out by the bucs. We're all pissed at this year. BUT DON'T THINK FOR ONE SECOND I'LL TOLERATE any Falcons "fans" jumping ship. If you do, stay off.. I'll never forget the "fan" who posted the five things he'd rather watch than Falcons right now. Pro tip: Don't celebrate a championship if you can't deal with the first bad season in a few years.. Longtime fans have dealt with worse for longer. If you only like a team when they're winning well your closet must be rainbow friendly since you're that guy who matches his shoes and hat with the latest/greatest thing to happen at that moment in sports (see: people who actually bought tebow jerseys and other kids who survived the fork accident)
I lost heart after #1. Blame me much?
As promised, let's vote on something and get out of this fanpost. I'm ending this abruptly and will probably remember that I forgot to write about bla bla bla like I do after I hit the publish button and after Dave chokes on his beer, having saw his latest tweeter alert: "New fanpost on Falcoholic by reader Kashberry"
Dave, if you have to spend thirty minutes refining my hatred for the saints then I promise you're paying for ten of my drinks sometime during this lifetime - seriously, you hurt the feelings of all those pervy whore lovers out there - and I'm an okay person to be around in real life, just ask the 7 other people in the timeshare in Phoenix. Just hide your trashcan if you don't want me to piss in it once all the alcohol and lack of sleep catches up to me.
Here's a remedy... you like good bands.. heard of the Arctic Monkeys yet? If not, you should.. maybe start with their 2nd album as it's much better than their 1st and perhaps the best out of their five (I have to listen to their new album still.
It's listen-ability is high, in my opinion. But I'm willing to bet 2 of those drinks you owe me that you've heard of that band.
Oh, yea, the poll... no more babes.. but I thought I'd make this easy for ya'll