Editor's Note: No more girls, sorry guys. Strong language warning and all that.
WARNING: This post was written by one of The Falcoholics
talented readers. It does not reflect the views of The Falcoholic. Because The Falcoholic wouldn't spend a couple hours putting together a fanpost including, and not limited to, obscene language and girls that look this>>>>>>>
Well.. I was going to put a picture of a girl here, but I don't want somebody to be at work clicking on my fanpost link right when their boss walks up. Because that's awkward. Awkward if you don't know what to do! I'll tell you from first hand experience. Just act like that's what you're supposed to be doing - take the "you're not nervous because you're not doing anything wrong" approach.
At least that worked with my boss who walked by as I was researching halloween costumes to recommend to a cute colleague of mine. [made a risky move and emailed those suggestions.. her reply? something like "that was wildly inappropriate but really funny"]
And look at that, there's suddenly enough text on the screen to push that photo down.
I've got a few things on my chest.. perhaps a couple thousand words worth of bullshit...
Everyone has been reading recaps about the trade deadline and people see that the Falcons did a whole lot of nothing. But every single article has been absolutely wrong. Or lying - I'm not quite sure yet. But we did make a trade. A great fucking trade.
Right about now you think I'm a big idiot. And chances are, many of you will just begin to outright hate me. And if you ever saw something that somebody posing as me wrote/photoshopped and placed on The Falcoholic as recently as last season you'll go "oh why the fuck didn't he just stay away." It's not my fault - I was talked into it. But more on that in greater detail later on (here's your voice: "there's a later on? he hasn't even fuckingfinished what he began to talk about."
Sure I did- Sure I will - The Falcons made a great fucking trade.
We took all of the Falcons' "fans" that still wear red michael vick jerseys and traded them to the inside of a volcano for their tickets so that real Falcons fans could show up to support their team wearing jerseys of current Falcons players or jerseys of retired Falcons players.
But come on, man - and women who don't understand the true intentions of the pink breasts October month. Which is thankfully over.
You don't rock the jersey of that guy who fucked your team over and whom is now sitting on the bench hurt for another team.
Do these people get that?
Oh, you think I'm wrong right now? I bet you wore your red michael vick underwear today, didn't you? Don't start crying, your mom might think she has to wake up to change you.
I apologize to those of you who actually do agree with me... you know I'm not wrong - I'm 100% right. Like I always am. That's why I know I'm not wrong.
Let's break it down:
1) vick is not retired
2) vick is on another team right now
3) vick is a dick
4) if vick was literally a dick he'd be a broken dick who could only get up/stay up for 20% of the sexy fun time because we all know how durable the guy is.
Reread the first 3 reasons.. and answer me this - Why do so many Falcons "fans" wear that? What is it about the red seven that I don't understand? Please, I'm begging you - fill me in.
Maybe I am wrong.
No.. no, no no. I'm not. But please let me know why someone thinks it's okay to rock that jersey. Because it's not. There's no justification for it right meow. Next game I go to I hope I don't see any of them. They make me shake my head and say things like "if I see one more michael vick jersey I'm going to write about it on The Falcoholic."
10, 20, or 75 seconds later I see another unique idiot stuck in 2005 wearing that bullshit.
"and there you go."
But that's not why I decided to stretch my fingers out for old time's sake. That was just what I thought after debating the pro's and con's of breaking one of my own little rules I won't explain - You can thank blood_talon for talking me into it enough to think about it.
Thanks blood_talon. Some of us know him as ______ _______ but don't fuckingf tag him in any photos or else he'll kick your ass as well as mine.
And please - STOP wearing that red seven. It's NOT cool. It's completely UNCOOL and not socially acceptable at all. We have a new quarterback now.
Go catch the Falcons on the road and you'll be rudely or politely greeted by the home fans. Or you're in Glendale, AZ and the fans barely even look at you let alone decide to engage you in a bit of friendly trash talk.
None of the people I was with at the game reported any signs of cardinal fan life prior to kickoff. Why not? Nothing wrong with telling some visiting fans corny things like (pronounced in a corny "I'm a cardinals fan" voice) "you guys are going down!" and "uh-oh, we have a few birds of the wrong breed in town!".
But nope - nothing. Does that make them nice? No - it makes them too nice, in a creepy-when-are-they-all-going-to-try-to-make-me-join-the-cult-just-in-time-for-the-mass-fake-fan-suicide kind of nice. A little friendly trash talk is all in good fun and part of the game. Oh and you know what else is part of the game? Arriving in time for the game and not shuffling into your home team's stadium in the second quarter. YES, SO many people arrived in the second quarter.. I saw a couple of guys come in with approximately 2:48 left in the first half.
The people who did show up in time might as well have been lightly clapping at a golf event since they weren't too loud at all while their players were being introduced before the football game. What a bunch of lames.
So we have the nice lameos... and then there's the assholes that go to games and are out of line which is another story. Which shall be told.
These creepily nice brainwashed human beings wearing the wrong bird on their sleeves slowly morphed into a big disgusting bullfuck fest of mangina discharge. And we had to slip around in it. It truly was pathetic.
So imagine sitting in a game and hearing nothing bad about your team, when before you know it your team is down 14-6 in the 2nd, and finally - FINALLY - somebody talks some shit to you. They really fucking waited until that score to even say the word "Falcon" or "Atlanta". And when they did open their mouths it seemed like half the time I was too confounded at what I just heard or saw to really take them too seriously. One stupid teenager behind us says, after Matt Ryan throws his first interception, "Yea! Matt Ryan is a interception machine!" (3 picks later, for that game sure, but did anyone see that coming? no)
Matt Ryan the interception machine, huh? What would that make carson palmer? An interception army? Does this kid watch his own team play? Blood_talon asked him after correcting him... the kid was stopped in his tracks, but not completely finished. Later on, john abraham did something dumb I can't remember and the teenager goes "john abraham sucks!" But that's not true, abraham has been one of their better defensive players.. Cue one of the best lines ever: blood_talon turns to this punk and says "you must need a pillow cause you're tired of being wrong". Yea, that was great. And that little punk was out for the count.
The fact that I began the asshole stories with the correction of a teenager is just pathetic - where were the grown men with their big boy pants on to talk some trash to us?
Well apparently they existed but we actually weren't lucky enough to sit next to the adults being really big fucking assholes but if that was you then please weigh in below. We got this lame teenager.. oh and we had this guy who was sitting a few rows up - he said something stupid to us I can't remember right now and it was so fucking stupid I didn't even want to waste my energy to turn my neck and get a look at who just said it. So instead I just stuck my hand back behind my head and opened my hand and then closed my hand to signify I wanted him to shut the fuck up. And it worked. Not one last peep from him. Only had to see him smiling at us when the game was over. I'm glad I didn't turn around to look at him. He looked like the kind of guy who was ready to hook up with his panther fan homeboys to go pick up some school children with his fake ice cream truck. Poor kids.
Wish we could have gotten the guys who were better at being big fucking assholes... more fun to correct/force to shut the fuck up. But nope.. our section allowed us few Falcons fans to be louder than everyone else in our section put together. That should never happen.
And home fans shouldn't leave the game with seven minutes on the clock. That's fucking stupid. The traffic beat us.
And Falcons fans in attendance of a blowout loss shouldn't abandon the team. So we stayed to the end.
After the game, I kept recycling my comeback for the handful of cardinal fans who hesitantly talked some shit. Because the fact is, their team is also getting third place in their division and their team is also not making the playoffs. So why hesitantly try to bully two visiting fans AFTER your team won? What a bunch of manginas.
I could see the hesitation in their eyes.. It was as if these fans drove to the game thinking "ok, gotta make sure I say something cool to any Falcons fans I see so that after the game I can tell my friends I really let them have it!" And then the game was over, and people were leaving, and these lame fans hadn't said anything to anyone yet, and "oh shit gotta hurry up and find a Falcons fan to bully. here comes two of them.. fuck they don't look like chumps and they're bigger than me.. what kind of bully picks on someone their own size or bigger? [this bully]
It gets worse. I saw the biggest pussy I've ever seen. Imagine being in the parking lot after the game, drinking a much needed beer. You're with a group of Falcons fans, and a group of cardinal fans are walking by. Now keep your eyes on the cardinal fan group walking by.. right now they're 5 feet away, headed eastbound. You notice a big pussy that keeps turning its head to look at your group.. but keeps walking. Then turns its head around again... buuut keeps on walking. Then, that group is at least 50 feet away, and finally - FINALLY - the big pussy gets the balls to yell something out: aksjfkja atlanta skajdf askld;jf aksl;jal; - you couldn't hear him. Because he was too fucking far away already. If only that big pussy got brave enough while he was 5 feet away... would have heard what he said. You think to yourself "that guy has a big fucking mangina". And you shake your head.
He was the kind of mangina that would walk into this room and then leave, crying- deeply offended by the audacity of the girls for demanding that he stay-
cardinal fans.. still shaking my head.. so pathetic. Fuck them.
(and teal dicks that are shaded out of the picture of that one panther troll's mom that you didn't see because it abruptly vanished like a cardinals fan at a game with seven minutes left on the clock)
So we have the panthers coming up. Last time I wrote on The Falcoholic we had just played the panthers five days ago and we STILL had panther troll riffraff on The Falcoholic. So I put them in their fucking place. And if you're a panther fan reading this, and you want to be put in your place in person.. come get some - I'll be at a panthers game in the future. No, sorry, not this week - carolina trip can't be on my radar this year, but one year.. I'll be there.
Fuck the panthers. Fuck cam newton. Wonder what he's dressing up as tomorrow? Oh I know.. where's that old photo of him that never seems to get old? [Here it is]
The same way ______ _______ doesn't want to be tagged in photos, cam doesn't allow any device with a recording function in his party. Only his closest closet hanger-outters get to see "Real cam". And we're happy about that.
I really don't have much more to say about the panthers... except one of my closest friends (who is a girl and whom is bisexually out of her closet) has a favorite animal. And it happens to be a panther. So she has teal panthers stuff on her walls. But she's not really a fan and so we don't watch the panther-Falcons game together.. and I don't have to make long comics about her.
That must be all the panther crap I have to spew out.. nope- one more time so everyone is clear on what I feel about the panthers - FUCK THE PANTHERS.
Wait, no.. I almost forgot! At the cardinals game, there was a questionable amount of teal/black paraphernalia... it was weird... and easy to spot among the red... What's up with that? How do you drive to the wrong game?
Oh, and what is up with saints fans also showing up at Falcons games? Just to bring the hate? Or maybe that was hollywoodsaint I saw with his kid.. they both had #9 jerseys on.. Just pretending to hate the Falcons but really heading into the game hoping we come out 3-4 vs. 2 and fucking 5? Is that guy still around? Yes?! Hey hollywoodsaint, did you land on a new Pro-Falcons-Oriented screenname yet? No?! Here's one for you, for free - you own it now: hollywoodfalcon
You can tell that didn't take any time to come up with.
Short answer: Not to hate Matt Ryan
(spoken with the tone of a whiny little punk bitch) "oh my gosh we need to trade Matt Ryan because he just had a bad game like all good quarterbacks do and I don't think we should tolerate a bad game from any quarterback let alone a quarterback who has so far put up a career quarterback rating of 91.2, which is good for number eleven on the all time list thus far"
To be fair, tony romo is #4 on the list.. but it's easier to understand that craptacity than you know.. when he's good, he's really good.. but that doesn't last long.. if he's not playing good, he's playing at the level of a third stringer. And somehow he's averaged a 96.1 despite looking like he doesnt belong on a football field half of the time. Do you wish the Falcons traded Matt Ryan for tony romo? Fuck no! What about blaine gabbert? Point is, Matt Ryan is a great quarterback, and I'll keep proudly rocking that jersey to Falcons games - especially when I accidentally forget to pack my vick jersey. Damn me! Ha...
Oh and by the way, 4 time Superbowl champion terry bradshaw is #152 on that list with a 70.9.. right behind #151 Rex Grossman. Wrap your brain around that for a second... Yup... Anti-Award hero Rex Grossman.. Just in time!
Just defended the guy. Now he's winning his second rex grossman award. Because for the 2nd time in the very short Anti-Awards history, ladies and gentlemen: Matt Ryan. But all this really is is a glorified open letter. I used to like writing those.
Dear Matt Ryan,
When you last won this shittyaward I asked you not to have bad game again. Yes, of course I knew you were bound to have a bad game again. But fucking shit, why wait until I'm there live.. why can I honestly say I've been to two of Matt Ryan's bottom ten games and I live in California? That's bullshit, Matt.. you owe me and some other people some gas money. Gas is extra expensive in California and I'm not fucking rich - you are.
That's a pretty selfish reason to hand out such an honor of an award. Let's try a different approach.
I'll never get these two sacks out of my head - when Matt Ryan stepped up in the pocket, did a sudden 180, and ran into two defenders. And how about the one when all he had to do was take a half step backwards to avoid a sack but instead got taken down - wasn't expecting him to fall down there.. it was goofy.
But how would our team be doing if we had a rex grossman on our team? We'd be 0-7 for sure. Anyone will struggle from time to time, especially with our line.
Fuck - our lines are so bad...
That's the only Anti-Award I'm up for.. well honestly, that I have time for- and don't worry - I'm not going to throw up vomit-worthy fanposts often. No reincarnation of that Anti-Awards series.
But for old time's sake, before I end this abruptly and get out of here - let's vote on something. I think I made this battle pretty fair.. gonna be a hard choice.
My name is Kash. I guess I'm here until I get kicked out.