(Please note- This was written by one of The Falcoholic's least talented readers. OFFENSIVE and GRAPHIC material will be presented to everyone who continues to read, and also to those who skip the reading because they only give me rec's when I do what I do best, right after driving and assisting select females with their exercise routines. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!)
The replacement refs have been worse than terrible, right? Right! As always in the past and as always in the future, the media picks and chooses whatever stories will be news. I can predict the future.
Replacement cheerleaders- This is important news that won't get any coverage. But in this featured story I will get to the bottom of this crisis- mainly by comparing regular cheerleaders with replacement cheerleaders. Sounds good already, right? Right!
As always, you can count on me to dig up the dirty stories that Caleb AKA PikaCal AKA Ape Man Falcons Fan is too frightened to write about. To be fair, this type of stuff could get him kicked out of school. And maybe his $$$ kicked, as well. Because people are big meanies out there. PikaCal, I have your back. I'll do the dirty work. Then I'll celebrate with the dirty bird.
What nobody, but me, has noticed is that another group of NFL personnel has been locked out- The beloved cheerleaders. Future meetings between the NFL and the NAFHBWNLC (National Association For Hot Babes Who Need Less Clothing) have been officially cancelled. Neither side wants to give in to the other side's demands.
The NAFHBWNLC wants more pay, wants new dressing rooms, and wants to create a new job position. They've approached me with that job offer, should the NFL agree to their terms. Me being me, willing to do whatever I have to do to never receive any government aid in my life, would have the new Cheerleader Equipment Manager position. Unfortunately, I'd have to help the cheerleaders dress and get undressed before and after games. In addition, I would have to watch them shower to ensure they're washing each other's bodies to meet the cleanliness standards of both the NFL and the NAFHBWNLC.
The NFL, on the other less fun and less skilled hand, wants to cut the pay of the cheerleaders and prevent any new job position creations or current job position restructuring. And no new dressing rooms for them!
It's not looking good for the NFL, the NAFHBWNLC, or the fans. Nobody is a winner here.
Hey NFL- is there not enough money to go around? Billions of dollars... more billions coming in the future... and no deal can be reached? All of you rich people have no touch with reality- no idea how good you have it. No idea that there's no difference between an income level of $500k and 1 million dollars.
Children can't eat? Helicopter can only be filled up once a week?
Execs... I hope you don't believe in heaven and hell. Get over yourselves or burn for eternity.
Back on track... And quick!
Since the cheerleaders are locked out, replacement cheerleaders have been brought in.
Unlike the regular cheerleaders, who receive extensive background checks and are held to a strict moral code of conduct, these replacement cheerleaders were hired in a quick flash (sometimes literally) and are out of control!
Let's take a deep look inside these cheerleaders. Since we're playing the San Diego Chargers this weekend I thought it would be appropriate to examine their NAFHBWNLC members.
Here below is our first side by side comparison. You can clearly tell the difference between a regular NFL cheerleader and a replacement cheerleader. The replacement cheerleader clearly has no shame, but the regular cheerleader certainly behaves like a gentlewoman.
Green? That's not proper Charger spirit!
Another side by side comparison. What is this replacement cheerleader thinking?! Has she not been raised properly by two loving parents, as this cheerleader on the left assumably has been?!?!
A third side by side comparison- but this one is a little different. I had to do some extensive research for this comparison. On the left is the most degrading picture of a regular cheerleader that I can find. Nice and homely still, yes? On the right, I found the most degrading picture of a replacement cheerleader that I could find and that I could post on this great website. I still had to sensor it. Despicable!
And what about these two? What is wrong here? This is why that Cheerleader Equipment Manager job needs to be created soon- I'd have to get in there and train the replacement cheerleaders- they obviously don't know how to bathe to meet the cleanliness standards imposed on them by the NFL and NAFHBWNLC. Look at her! She missed a spot!
I think I've made my point perfectly clear. You now understand what I do- we need the regular cheerleaders back on the field and we need them on the field fast!
Both sides are going to be under a lot more pressure and scrutiny really soon- National Breast Cancer Awareness Month is coming up in a couple of weeks. The Falcoholic has historically been known to run feature articles about the cheerleaders and the important message they, along with the players, send to the world by utilizing the power of the color pink throughout their uniforms. The Falcoholic plans on running similiar articles this year. Stay tuned for more.
While you wait for October, you can check out last year's breast cancer awareness posts.
And let's all try to show a little support to these replacement cheerleaders- They are doing a job that they weren't really trained to do. A lot of them spent years being average, run of the mill sluts and now they're suddenly expected to act like modest, professional women? Haven't we learned anything from rap music? Can't turn ho's into housewives.
My name is Kash, and you might have to deal with me in San Diego on Sunday!
LET's GO FALCONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!