Flowery Branch, GA: After releasing the news that back-up Left Tackle Will Svitek is going to miss all of the 2012 season due to an upper arm injury, Atlanta Falcons Head Coach Mike Smith addressed the media. With blood shot eyes, he tried to pull his trademark safari style hat down some. He then asked if anyone could dim the lights.
When asked if there should be concern about depth at the Left Tackle position, Smith quickly avoided eye contact and stated “We have and always will have the upmost confidence in Sam Baker as a starter. He has only had several surgeries on the part of his body that houses his central nervous system and provides his upper body with suppot. Why should this be a concern?” Smith then pulled a trashcan from under the podium and vomited into it. After being helped off the stage by Defensive Coordinator Mike Nolan and Offensive Coordinator Dirk Koetter, Koetter reportedly said “We got this, don’t worry.”
Falcons Quarterback Matt Ryan was also in attendance and quickly took the podium. He stood his ground and answered questions as best he could, showing great poise and microphone awareness, when Sam Baker inexplicably backed into Ryan while being pushed back by a member of the custodial staff that was sweeping, unaware of the press conference. Baker did put up a mighty struggle against the custodian and his broom, but was no match for Phil who is 5’10” and 150lbs. Ryan was taken off the premises via golf cart.
Sam Baker, current starting Left Tackle for the Falcons then took the podium. After several minutes of assuring the press corp. that he was 100% healthy, he then stepped away from the podium and did several jumping jacks to prove his point. At the end of the demonstration, a reporter pointed out that his “fly was down”. Baker clearly embarrassed, asked the closest reporter to pull it up for him as he could not reach that far down.
Lamar Holmes was sought out for comment, but he was not available as he doesn’t really exist.
As of press time, the severity of the injury to Ryan is not known. Backup Quarterback Chris Redman stated he was ready to step up in case Ryan was going to miss any games. Redman would get started preparing for the next preseason game after he finished filling out his Medicare paperwork and he needed to change out his colostomy bag.Shortly before this report was filed, Coach Mike Smith was seen topless, wearing reflective gold “hammer” pants held up by suspenders, running south on 985 yelling, “TO LEGIT…. TO LEGIT TO QUIT!!!!”